


Innovations

by Neneithel



Series: The Winchester Pact [4]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-10
Updated: 2020-11-10
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:01:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 80
Words: 85,246
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27490888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Neneithel/pseuds/Neneithel
Summary: Castiel has a birthday and tries a new look.  Sam and Jack come up with a way to deal with the spontaneous mental link troubling Dean and Cas.
Series: The Winchester Pact [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2007640
Kudos: 2





	1. Chapter 1

"What do you get an angel that doesn't want anything?" said Dean, shaking the flask in irritation and an irrational hope that more coffee might magically appear in it.

"I don't think he's expecting anything." said Sam, "He's never had a birthday present from us before."

"You think that makes it better?" said Dean, "You got him something, right?"

"Yeah, just a knife with his initials engraved on the hilt."

"CW?" said Dean.

"Yeah."

"That's a good present. Why didn't I think of something like that?"

"Can we go deal with the vengeful spirit now?" said Sam, "You have until Tuesday."

"Stupid idea, giving angels birthdays." said Dean, throwing the flask onto the back seat.

"Why shouldn't he have a birthday?" said Sam.

"Well, just off the top of my head, he was never born."

"You're the one who wanted him to be more involved with everyone."

"Yeah, whatever." said Dean, "Let's go unhaunt the music store, before our misty friend garottes anyone else with a guitar string."

"Are you a little jealous that Sarah has him celebrating birthdays?" said Sam.

Dean started the engine. "Are you smokin' something you shouldn't?"

Sam smiled. "I just wondered. I suppose you've worked out why he chose the 18th?"

"I assumed it was random." said Dean, pulling out into the Saturday morning traffic.

"I mean, you have reason to celebrate it too."

"I don't celebrate any date." said Dean.

"The day you got out of Hell?" said Sam, "Sarah told me that's why he chose it. Meeting you was when he considers himself to have been reborn."

"Well, that's a load of ... "

"Yeah, the contempt works better without the half-smile." said Sam.

"How's the research going? Do you have anything yet?" The two-way mental communication between him and Cas was awkward for both of them and made keeping strong feelings private very difficult. For someone who liked to keep all his feelings under wraps, having an angel who could feel them with him was disturbing.

"I've found a lot about involuntary prayer and angels picking up on distress signals sent by people who have prayed to them in the past. Nothing anywhere about prayer working both ways and humans picking up angels' thoughts and feelings. I don't think it's ever happened before."

"That's impossible. Of course it's happened before. Angels and humans have coexisted for a long time. Every possible interaction between the two must have happened a million times. Look harder."

"Dean, if you're suggesting I'm not trying ... "

Dean raised a conciliatory hand. "No, I'm not. Sorry, Sam, I just want things back to normal."

"Dean, we were never within spitting distance of normal."

"You know what I mean. I want Cas to be able to be around me without having to lock down his mind and without me having to try to keep mine quiet. My mind doesn't really do quiet."

"You've basically got telepathy and you both want to kill it." said Sam, "Have you even discussed the possible benefits?"

"It's not nice, simple, direct mind speech." said Dean, "It's messy and unpredictable and only seems to work when one or both of us are under a lot of pressure. It would be useful, if I could say, 'Come via the side door, it's lightly guarded. Bring holy water.' But instead, I transmit fear, confusion and anger and he has to work out what it means."

"You could learn to direct your thoughts more precisely." said Sam, "With a little work, it could become a positive advantage."

"You might wanna consider how Cas feels about it." said Dean, "The best birthday present you could give him is to find a way to shut it down."

"I just thought you might both think about other options." said Sam.

"Cas wants it gone. It's going." said Dean.

"Okay. I'll keep looking. I'll get Jack to help." said Sam.

"There has to be something, an amulet, a spell, Enochian tattoos for both of us, anything at all."

Sam chuckled.

"What?" said Dean.

"Sorry. It's just the idea of you two getting matching tattoos."

"Yeah, bite me, bitch."

"Jerk." said Sam.

"Try calling Rowena. Maybe she has something."

"I'm keeping her as Plan Q." said Sam, "Her magic tends to have some dark edges."

"Well, so do I." said Dean, "I don't mind dark edges."

"Cas might feel differently." said Sam.

"Maybe we need an angelologist."

"Yes, but it's hard to find anyone who knows more than the surface stuff. I'd go to the angels, but the only one I trust is Cas."

"Yeah, trusting angels has to be Plan Z." said Dean, "You and Jack will find something. I have faith in you."

"Sarah's making Cas a cake." said Sam.

"What for? He doesn't eat." said Dean.

"You know what's funny?" said Sam.

"Bald guys with pony tails?"

"On Tuesday, you'll be the life and soul of the party. Because however much you pretend to think it's stupid, you love the idea of giving him a party."

"I think it's a stupid idea and if anyone ever tries to throw me a party, I trust you to put a stop to it, but Cas will like it, so we'll do it."

"Oh, Sarah asked if we dance."

"What did you tell her?"

"That I have been known to and you only do it badly and when very drunk."

"Yeah, good. Best to bury any idea of that nature as quickly as possible."

"She said I can teach you." said Sam. His grin was infuriating.

"I'm not dancing. Not in the bunker." said Dean.

"Not in front of witnesses?"

"Exactly."

"Sarah might insist."

"Yeah, so did Zachariah." said Dean.

"He asked you to dance?" said Sam.

"The only reason you're getting away with that is that I don't want blood on the upholstery." said Dean.

"Do you think Cas can dance?" said Sam.

"I doubt it and Jack definitely can't."

"It'll be an interesting party." said Sam, "Most importantly, it'll get everyone celebrating together. They could all use a little fun."

"Yeah, it's a good idea, I guess. I just need to find him a decent present."


	2. Chapter 2

Cas was sitting in the library with Jules. He liked working with Jules. She was intelligent and responsible and she had none of the prejudice against angels that many of the others had. Nobody outside the family knew what he was working on. She thought he was looking for ways to stop Michael and any angels he might be able to bring with him if he got the rift open again. In truth, he was coming up with some useful ideas, but his main priority was to prevent himself from picking up Dean's emotions and sometimes even thoughts. It was causing Dean constant distress and it needed to stop.

Dean was always talking about Jules, always saying how nice she was, how attractive she was and how friendly she was. Cas found that odd, because generally, Dean did not hesitate to make a move, if he felt attraction. He'd even mentioned more than once how approachable she seemed, so his hesitation was bizarre. But perhaps he was reluctant to engage in intimacy while his feelings were so easily transmitted. Another good reason to stop the mental communication as soon as possible.

"Have you considered portable angel warding?" said Jules.

"No, but that's a good idea." said Cas.

"We could draw the wards on tiles, engrave them on something and wear it around our necks, anything like that."

"I like the idea of tiles. We could move them from room to room. Shield a room for as long as it needs to be protected and then remove the protection when it doesn't." A couple of tiles with the right wards on them and Dean could be protected from the incursions of uncontrolled angel minds all night. "Do you like Dean, Jules?" he said.

She nodded. "I like Dean a lot. He's a good hunter. He's got intelligence. He's absolutely reliable. You have Dean Winchester with you on a hunt and you know you're coming out alive." It fell a little short of a declaration of attraction, but it was hopeful.

"I know Dean thinks very highly of you." said Cas, "He's always telling me how great you are. He has a lot of respect for you."

Jules smiled. "I'm glad I've managed to impress him. I respect him a lot too. The things he has achieved, the things he's fought and killed. He's a real hunters' hunter."

"Yes. Excuse me a moment, Jules. I need to find out if we have the tiles."

Cas went to the kitchen, where Jack was having coffee with Mary. "Jack, do we still have those boxes of ceramic tiles?"

"Yes, they're next to the razor wire." said Jack, "Do you want me to get them?" 

"Just bring one box." said Cas, "Jules has had an idea." When Jack had gone, he turned to Mary. "What do you think of Jules?"

"As a hunter?" said Mary.

"In general." said Cas.

She smiled. "Oh, I see. I like her. I like her a lot. She's sincere and she's funny and she's just a good person to be around."

"Yes, I think so too." said Cas, "And so does Dean. He keeps on telling me so."

"Yes, I've noticed he seems to be a fan." said Mary.

Cas smiled. "I feel better knowing you see it too and you approve."

"Of course I approve." said Mary.

"Good. I'm laying the groundwork."

"Taking things slowly is probably a good idea." she said.

"Yes, it's been some time and with the way things are ... "

"I know." said Mary, "But being alone is not so great and we should all try to find a little happiness along the way. And nobody deserves it more. You know, with the party coming up, that could be an excellent opportunity."

"I think so too." said Cas, "Sorry to steal Jack from you. I just need to figure out some kind of warding."

"It really troubles you to have his thoughts in your head, doesn't it?" she said.

"I just need to fix it." said Cas.

Jack arrived with the box of tiles and they took it to the library. Jules had found a Sharpie and immediately started drawing the warding onto it. The first tile she decorated made Cas's head buzz painfully. "Break it!" said Cas.

"Sorry. I had to use one that would work on you to see if it worked." she said, smashing the tile against the table.

"It works." he said. He looked at Jack. "It did nothing to you?"

"Nothing at all." said Jack, "Not much seems to get to me."

"I'm glad you're on our side." said Cas.

"So am I." said Jack. He grinned at Jules and said, "You have cookies."

"Right, if you can't be held off by them, you need to make two like that and give them to Dean. He can place them either side of his bed."

"Are we expecting Michael's angels to attack his bed?" said Jules.

"No," said Cas, "But sleeping, he is vulnerable to attack and the whole point is to remove as much vulnerability as possible. Dean is Michael's most likely target."

"Why?" said Jules.

"Because he is potentially a vessel and definitely a threat to Michael."

"What wards work against archangels?" said Jules.

"Virtually none." said Cas.

"Dealing with the archangel is my job." said Jack.

"Dealing with the archangel will be a group effort." said Cas.

"I'm your best weapon against Michael and you know it." said Jack.

"You're not a weapon." said Cas.

"I am. I'm the best weapon you have. A half-archangel nephilim is more powerful than an archangel."

"Maybe not more powerful than that one."

"You're planning to fight him and you know you wouldn't last two seconds against Michael."

"If almost two seconds buys the others time to kill him ... " said Cas.

"Exactly. You'd die without thinking about it, but I, who have a realistic chance of defeating him, should hide in a corner?"

"Jack, your life is a lot more valuable than mine."

"To whom?" said Jack.

"To everyone." said Cas.

"Cas, I don't want either of you to die." said Jules.

Jack smiled at her, then glanced at Cas. "See? You are only expendable in your own eyes."

"Same goes for you, so you do as you are told." said Cas. He decided he would have to get Dean to talk to Jack. Jack listened to Dean.


	3. Chapter 3

As they walked to the In Harmony music store, Dean pointed at the large harp in the window. "I could get him that."

"Yeah. No. Mind on the case, please." said Sam. Dean was now in an annoyingly cheerful mood, made more annoying by the fact that it was clearly feigned.

"Of course." Dean pushed the door open and led the way inside. "Good morning," he said to a man arranging three guitars on stands, "I'm Special Agent Williams and this is Special Agent Hope." They flashed their ID. 

"We're here about the death of Tom Reeve." said Sam, "Are you the owner of this business?"

"That's right, Dan Reeve. Tom was my nephew. He was a good kid. As I told the cops, he had no enemies. I'd think it was just a robbery gone wrong except ... "

"Except that it happened before?" said Dean.

"Three weeks ago, my previous assistant. Same thing, working late, strangled with a guitar string. The other thing is, no money was taken."

"You haven't been the owner very long, have you?" said Sam.

"I inherited the place from a crazy uncle."

"Crazy in what sense?" said Dean, "Because we meet all flavours of crazy. I mean, we could tell you all kinds of stories ... " His voice tailed off and he looked suddenly troubled.

"Agent?" said Sam.

"Sorry." said Dean, "You were saying, crazy uncle, Mr Reeve?"

"Deranged, actually. When my mother and he were kids, they were close, but then, after years of pickling his brain in cheap vodka, he just became paranoid and crazy and started accusing her of trying to steal his business. He left it to me to spite her, which was nuts, because she never wanted it. She just ran the shop sometimes when he was too drunk to."

Sam half-listened, but Dean was distracted and that meant he was too. "You should check that Steinhardt has that information." said Sam, giving Dean an excuse to step outside if he needed to.

Dean looked at him blankly and then said, "Yeah. I'll send him a text." He sent someone a text then looked at Reeve and said, "What was this uncle's name?" 

"Eric Vesey." said Reeve.

"And when did he die?" said Dean.

"Four months ago."

"A nice, fresh, vengeful spirit." whispered Sam.

"Did you change anything here that he wouldn't have liked?" said Dean.

"My uncle is dead." said Reeve.

"Humour us." said Dean.

I gave Mom a half share in the business. She needs the money and I don't need all of it."

"That would do it." said Dean, "Please tell me he's buried somewhere."

"Well, we didn't file him under 'dead crazy people' and leave him in the office." said Reeve.

"I need a place and a plot number, if you have it." said Dean.

"Why?" said Reeve.

"Because I'm a Special Agent and you're not." said Dean.

"Agent Williams," said Sam, "I'm sure Mr Reeve will cooperate fully if you try to be a little bit more diplomatic. Mr Reeve, we just want to check that he is actually dead."

"I saw the body. That convinced me."

"Great." said Dean, "Then seeing it will convince us too."

"A burial record will do." said Sam, "We just need to check the details."

"Of course, Agent Hope." said Reeve, with a look at Dean. He went out into an office and came back a few moments later with a burial certificate. "I think everything you need is on there. It's a scanned copy. Is that okay?" 

"That's great." said Sam, "Thanks for your time and patience."

"Does your partner have a problem with me?" said Reeve.

"No, my partner just has a problem." said Sam, "You get used to it."

As they got outside, Dean said, "I know what you're gonna say, so let's just say you said it, I responded sarcastically, you rolled your eyes and I decided to sulk for the rest of the day."

"Or we could talk about what happened in there that threw you off your game in the first place."

Dean shook his head. "Nothing."

"Then what was the text?"

"I just wanted to check Jack was okay."

"Why wouldn't he be?" said Sam.

"I felt something."

"From Cas?"

"Yeah. Something about Jack. I don't know more than that and Cas hasn't replied, so I still have no idea. It must be something bad, because Cas worries about Jack all the time and I never felt that before." He looked at his phone. "Okay, now he's replied. He and Jack argued, but it's fine now."

"He and Jack never argue."

"It's about Michael. Has to be. It's the only thing they don't agree on."

"We can sort that out when we get home. Are you focused now?"

"Like a laser." said Dean.

"Are you sure?"

"I'm sure."

"Then let's go toast a ghost, before Mr Reeve gets suspicious."

"We may have missed the window on that one."

"Fortunately for you, my charm saved the day."

"Yeah, lucky me." said Dean.


	4. Chapter 4

Cas went to his room and called Sarah. She answered immediately. She rarely kept him waiting. "Castiel, my dear, how are you?"

"I'm fine." he said, "I argued with Jack and that got me stressed enough that Dean could feel it, so now the shared feelings thing is an issue again and I really miss the days when I felt nothing, but I'm fine."

"Is Dean angry with you?" said Sarah.

"I don't think so. Do you think he will be?"

"No, Castiel. I'm just trying to find out why you're so upset. Is it because you and Jack argued? Because that's normal and natural. Fathers and sons always have a few quarrels."

"We don't." said Cas.

"Then it could be a good sign. To identify so closely with a parent that you never have a disagreement can be an indication that something is very wrong. Young men need to start thinking for themselves and that sometimes means they rebel a little."

"His rebellion involves an intention to fight Michael."

"And you think he's too weak?" she said.

"No, he's stronger than any of us, but he's just a child."

"He doesn't look, think or act like a child. I know he grew up fast, but he's a young man and he won't like being protected."

"He's a young man who could transform the world and I am not going to watch him throw his life away for nothing." said Cas.

"He might easily defeat Michael. You told me nobody knows or can know the extent of his powers."

"Sarah, I love him. How can I let him risk his life to kill Michael?"

He could hear the smile in her voice. "He loves you too, Castiel, so just keep talking to him. Tell him you're not afraid he can't defeat Michael, you just can't bear the thought of him being killed."

"But I am afraid he can't defeat Michael. In our universe, Michael was the strongest of the archangels and the same seems to be true of their Michael. Jack is stronger than Lucifer."

"Don't make Jack feel you think he's too weak." said Sarah, "Above all, don't make him feel he has to prove he isn't. If you want him to let all of you help against Michael, you need to convince him he has nothing to prove to you."

"You're right. You're always right. Thanks."

"You're doing a great job. Jack looks up to you and he wants to make you proud. He'll do the right thing."

"I just want him to do the safe thing." said Cas.

"Now, happier things. Are you excited for the party?"

"I think so. I am a little apprehensive that this time there will be so many people. It's usually just you and me."

"Parties are better with more people." said Sarah, "It's fun to celebrate with the people you love. They've all got so much on their minds, with the Michael problem and everything. It'll be good for everyone to have something happy in their lives."

Cas smiled to himself. "You spread as much happiness as you can, don't you, Sarah?"

"It's the easiest way to make the world a better place and you can't deny, it could use some improvement."

"You've certainly improved mine." he said.

"You saved my life." she said, "And then you took away that terrible loneliness. You gave me a whole new perspective on everything."

"You gave me a place to hide, time to think. You let me spend days at a time staring at your bees."

"Honey production leaps whenever you do that." she said, "The girls love you." There was a long silence, then she said, "Are you happy?"

"Mostly, I am." he said, "I have to be careful not to talk too much about ways in which I'm not, because of Dean and this channel in my head that won't close. I find I can mostly avoid him catching my feelings if I maintain them at a low level."

"It sounds like hard work." she said.

"It is. We're avoiding each other and avoiding anything that could trigger an emotion strong enough for a connection, but his dreams turn up in my head and he felt it when I argued with Jack and every single time, I know he feels like I'm crossing a line, even though he knows it's not by choice."

"If you could learn to control it, to limit what gets sent, it could be very useful to both of you."

"If I even suggested that, Dean would hate the idea and hate me for bringing it up."

"I can't imagine Dean would ever hate you." said Sarah.

"When Dean gets angry, he does it with his whole being." said Cas, "His resentment is intense and lasting. He knows I can't help this, but if he thought for a moment that I wanted it, that I wasn't trying everything in my power to prevent it, he would hate me. I am, by the way, trying everything in my power to prevent it. I even listen to music playing loudly at night to try to distract my mind."

"I never doubted you were doing your best." she said.


	5. Chapter 5

In the corner of a quiet graveyard, Sam watched Dean using all his anxious energy in exhumation. "You dig faster in this mood, anyway." he said.

"I'm not in any kind of mood." said Dean.

"You nearly blew it back at the store." said Sam.

"I apologised, didn't I?" said Dean.

"No, actually, you didn't." said Sam, "But that's not important. This thing where you and Cas avoid each other doesn't seem to be helping either of you. This thought transference thing seems to be set off by one of you needing to contact the other."

"We just need to find a way to slam the door shut."

"Or remove the need for a door." said Sam, "Why not try working together, hunting together? If you're already together, the need shouldn't arise and maybe the communication won't either."

"Is this your way of telling me you don't wanna hunt with me anymore?" said Dean.

"You're not easy to work with in this state, but no, I just think taking Cas with you could help both of you."

"I'll try anything." said Dean.

"Take him on the next hunt. Spend time with him. Talk to him."

"Sam, you're making me nervous."

"I just mean that, if you're communicating deliberately, there won't be any great mass of thoughts or feelings to break through when you don't want them to."

"You mean if we say everything, nothing will say itself in our minds?"

"Yeah, that's exactly what I mean."

"You know me, I have zero problem with this airy-fairy, touchy-feely crap, but there are reasons why there are things between Cas and me that stay unspoken and mostly, unthought."

"What reasons?" said Sam.

"Oh, come on! You know what reasons. He's an angel, I am so not. It's an unbalanced relationship and both of us have a lot to lose."

"Doesn't that make it balanced?" said Sam.

"No, Cas has more to lose."

"You've seen each other's thoughts. He showed you what you mean to him, you showed him what you think of him."

"Yes, and that's how Sarah thinks the whole problem started."

"My point is, what matters, you've already shared. How can you be afraid to talk to a friend who has seen your soul?"

"I'm not afraid. Not of Cas. Not even of what Cas thinks of this mess in my head."

"Then what?" said Sam.

Dean's shovel hit a coffin lid with a dull thunk. "It doesn't matter." he said. He stove in the top of the coffin and looked at the unpleasantly recent corpse. "Salt." he said. 

Sam spread salt across the body and then drenched it in gasoline.

Dean took out his lighter and failed to light it twice.

"And you claim not to be stressed?" said Sam.

"Shut up." said Dean. He tried a third time and it worked. He lit a piece of rag soaked in gasoline and jumped out of the grave as he threw it behind him. The whoomp was impressive. "You'd better go back and tell Reeve whatever it is we're going to tell him." said Dean, "I don't think he liked me much."

"So I have to explain to him that we've probably fixed the ghost he didn't know he had, but maybe not?" said Sam.

"Talking's good, Sam, remember?"

When they got back to the shop, Reeve was at the counter, rubbing at a red wound on his neck.

"When did this happen?" said Dean.

"Soon after you left." said Reeve, "You won't believe it, but my uncle just appeared here and tried to kill me."

"We probably should have left you in a salt circle." said Sam, "How did you escape?"

"Beats me." said Reeve, "One second he was pulling the string around my neck and the next, he caught fire and vanished."

"We did that." said Dean, "We salted and burned him. It usually works."

"It sometimes works." Sam corrected.

"Am I in the Twilight Zone?" said Reeve.

"Yeah," said Dean, "But, great news! You only visited for a while. You don't have to live there. Just say thanks and forget it ever happened."

"A ghost tried to kill me!" said Reeve.

"And failed, because of us." said Dean.

"The FBI hunt ghosts?"

"Secretly, we're not the FBI." said Sam, "But I'm sure you'll forgive us that little deception."

"So what are you?" said Reeve.

Dean sighed. "Sam, I'll be in the car."

When he'd gone, Reeve said, "He really doesn't like me, does he?"

"Don't take it personally." said Sam, "When he's in this kind of mood, he just dislikes everyone in range. It's gonna be a fun ride home."

"You really killed the ghost?"

"It's what we do." said Sam.

"Well, thanks, I guess."

Sam wrote down his number. "You ever have a similar problem, call me."

"Thanks. I'm kinda hoping this is a one-off."

"Me too." said Sam. 

He went out to where they had parked the car. Dean was ready to go. "Get in, Sam. We should head home."

As he got in, Sam said, "I'm not trying to interfere. I know things are complicated with Cas. But I can see that this distance thing is not fixing anything."

"It's cool. We're all fumbling around in the dark and we should try other ways of dealing with it. Maybe taking Cas on a few hunts would work. I'm not afraid to talk to him. I'm just afraid of saying the wrong thing. The guy practically tore his own wings off because he believed in me."

"And you've never been comfortable with anyone believing in you."

"I'm certainly not comfortable with letting him see he was wrong."

"He's seen you at your worst. He still believes. Remember, Cas and I don't see you through your own distorted vision."

"Sam, he saw a dream I had in which I tortured him in Hell."

"Do you often have dreams like that?" said Sam. He wanted more detail. He wanted to know how such a dream had come about and whether Dean and Cas had talked about it, but he knew it was best to keep it simple.

"No, only once." said Dean, "Once was enough."

"If I had any sense, I'd make you tell me everything."

"Sense and some hefty torture implements." said Dean. He smiled. "It's not important. Cas saw the dream and tried to convince me it didn't make me evil. We're still okay. It's not that dream that's the problem. It's this tar pit I have for a brain. I'm used to wading through the toxic stuff, but I don't want Cas to see it without some filtration."

"You don't want Cas to see the real you?"

"No."

"Because the real you is so terrible? Because I've never seen that you either."

"Terrible or not, it's not great. Can we talk about something else now? Anything else? Or nothing. I'm fine with nothing."

Sam heard his brother's growing anxiety and knew he could not do anything except back off. "Have you heard from Sarah recently?"

"I should probably call her." said Dean. The micro glance he shot at his brother was a clear admission that he knew why Sam wanted him to call her.

"Yeah," said Sam, "She'd like that."

"Maybe she'll help me think of a present for Cas."


	6. Chapter 6

On their return home, they headed for the library. Dean was pleased to see Jules working with Castiel and though they were intent on warding work, they were sitting close together and talking comfortably with each other.

"Don't let me interrupt if you're busy." he said, hoping Cas would want to spend more time alone with Jules.

Jules smiled. "No problem. We've nearly finished I think. We've been making portable wards so we can shield areas from angel interference as and when we need to."

"I like that idea. Who thought of it?"

"Jules did." said Cas, "She's coming up with all kinds of great ideas. The advantage of this one is that you can make your room completely off-limits to any angel."

The words, "your room" made him uneasy. He hoped it didn't mean what it sounded like. He wanted Michael's angels to be seen as the enemy, not for Cas to see himself that way. "Any room, presumably." he said.

"Yes." said Jules, "Won't work on archangels or on Jack, but your rank and file angels are out."

"And they shouldn't be able to eavesdrop." said Cas, "In fact, some of the wards would make it hard for them to think."

"So you and Jules have finished for now?" said Dean.

"We've done a lot." said Jules.

"I'm sure you have." said Dean, "Go grab yourself a beer. You earned it."

She grinned. "Okay. See you later!"

Cas smiled at Sam and Dean, "It's a good temporary solution."

"Warding my room against you?" said Dean. He knew he sounded angry. Hell, he was angry. He also knew he had no right to be. He had told Cas they needed a solution. He just hadn't wanted it to be fortifying the bunker against Cas.

"Not just your room. Engrave the ward on metal and hang it around your neck and you have instant personal protection wherever you are. Also her idea. We're lucky to have her."

"Personal protection?" said Dean.

"Dean," said Sam, "Cas is trying to solve the problem."

"How is warding against him like he's a frickin' demon gonna solve anything?" said Dean.

"If it can stop me reading your mind, it solves the whole problem." said Cas, slowly and clearly, as if Dean were incapable of grasping the concept any other way.

"This isn't closing a door." said Dean, "This is building a steel wall. This is the total destruction of our friendship."

"No it isn't." said Cas, "It just means you can shut down all communication between us, which has always been one of your favourite moves."

"Cas," said Sam, "Dean isn't himself today."

"I am completely myself." said Dean, "And I hate this stupid idea."

"You said you liked it." said Cas.

"For Michael's army, not for you, you dumb, stupid angel!"

"Don't argue with Cas." said Sam, "You're on the same side."

"I thought we were, but I never had to ward against my own side before." Dean knew he was being unfair. It was a method that might work and Cas had clearly worked hard to develop the idea with Jules without telling Jules anything awkward, but all kinds of painful thoughts were springing from the realisation that his best friend wanted to be blocked from his presence. Cas wanting to be rejected like that felt like a rejection of him, of their long friendship and although he knew that Cas didn't want that any more than he did, it still hurt as if he did.

"You get total control." said Cas, "Isn't that what you've always wanted in every relationship in your insane, insecure, paranoid life?"

"Is that really what you think of me?" said Dean, knowing that, if it were, it wasn't too wide of the mark.

"No." said Cas, shrinking a little. Dean wished he could rewind and start again. If he had listened to Sam and curbed his anger, they could be talking about the stuff that mattered, not lashing out like wounded animals.

He wanted to apologise, to admit that Sam was right, that he was being completely irrational. Angry words came more easily. They didn't force him to admit that he was afraid. "You don't know me at all, Cas. Maybe you can't know humans. The idea was stupid, so let's forget it."

"The idea would work." said Cas, "I'm just trying to ... "

"It's not gonna happen." said Dean, "Not now, not ever. We'll find another way. Sam has a better idea anyway."

"I wouldn't say better." said Sam.

"At least at night, you could protect your dreams." said Cas.

"I'm not warding against you." said Dean.

"You've angel-proofed whole buildings against me before now." said Cas.

"And do you really want to go back to how things were then?" said Dean, "Because I don't."

"I want to protect you from any intrusion by this useless angel brain." said Cas, "Warding is the gentlest way to do that. At least consider it."

"I've considered it. I hate it. We're not doing it." said Dean.

"You certainly gave that very nearly ten seconds of thought." said Cas.

"Guys, stop this." said Sam, "Getting angry with each other isn't helping anyone."

Cas stood up and said, "Maybe I should go."

"Sit!" said Dean, pointing at the seat Cas had just vacated.

"Dean, stop." said Sam, "Cas, please sit down."

"What's the point?" said Cas, "We can't be in the same room right now."

Dean consciously lowered his hand and tried to look calm. "Cas, I'm sorry. We should talk about Sam's idea."

"But not about our idea?" said Cas.

"Do you really want this to be about warding and angel-proofing and barriers?" said Dean, trying not to let his panic come across as anger.

"No, I don't." said Cas, sitting back down.

"Then let's try my idea." said Sam, "This thing is caused by one or other of you feeling a need to communicate with the other. This communication then happens, whether you consciously want it to or not."

"Sam thinks we should stop avoiding each other and talk." said Dean.

"About what?" said Cas.

"About life." said Dean.

"All of it?" 

"As much of it as possible." said Dean, "Sam thinks endless inane chatter will stop the damn channel from opening up."

"Actually, Sam thinks if you say what needs to be said, it won't need to be said and it won't say itself against your will in each other's minds." said Sam.

"That makes a kind of sense." said Cas, "But I'm not sure it's possible. Neither one of us exactly excels at saying what needs to be said."

"True. Maybe inane chatter is the way to go." said Dean.

"We'll see." said Sam, "But what's happening now is proof that staying away from each other doesn't make the situation any better. You just both become paranoid and miserable."

Dean studied the table in front of him, not glancing at the angel to his side. "Castiel, do you think you could forget all the dumb stuff I just said?"

"Probably not." said Cas, "But I coul try to pretend to forget it."

"That's a start." said Dean.

"If I had any reason to think you didn't mean every word."

"I didn't mean any of it." said Dean, "I'm just sick of being ditched."

"How is giving you control over every part of our communication ditching you?" said Cas.

"How is it not?" said Dean, "Once that damn steel wall is built, neither of us will ever be able to break through it."

"It's a temporary fix." said Cas, "Until we can kill the ability to leech your thoughts."

"If we need it, we have it." said Sam, "But let's try my plan first. You two need more time together, not less. You're going on the next hunt together."

"Yes." said Cas.

"You think Sam's idea will help?" said Dean.

"I don't know," said Cas, "But the one Jules and I came up with doesn't seem to impress you, so we need to try something else."

"Just try not to keep fighting with each other." said Sam.

"He started it." said Cas.

"I know." said Sam.

"If it helps, he's sorry." said Dean.

"So am I." said Cas, "I'm not sure why, when all I did was try to sort out this mess, but I am. I never meant to make you feel ditched. Dean, you're very difficult to talk to sometimes."

Dean nodded. "I know. I wish I could tell you I'd change and be a better person, but I think that ship has sailed. And sunk. Why the hell would you want me as a friend, you stupid angel?"

"Maybe because, no matter what dumb, cruel, heartless things you say, you're always there when I need you."

"Do you even need me?" said Dean, "I'm only human and a pretty crappy human at that."

"Yeah, well, I'm not winning any prizes as an angel either." said Cas.

"No more fighting." said Sam, "This world and Apocalypse World need you both and we need you working as a team."

Cas looked into Dean's eyes and said, "This mind-sharing thing is driving us both crazy, but don't ever think I want distance between us. I just want to stop it from happening."

"Good. I want that too. Obviously, I want that." said Dean.

"I do know you, Dean." said Cas.

"Yeah, I know. My mouth was throwing punches it didn't clear with my head."

"Your mouth fights as well as your fists." said Cas, "Every blow landed."

Dean nodded again. "Yeah. I felt them all too."


	7. Chapter 7

Sam left to find his mother and Dean and Cas remained at the table. Dean stood and walked to the other side of the table. "Okay, Cas, I need to get something clear. There are situations where there is fault on both sides and two people have foolishly allowed emotions to make them say stupid, hurtful things to each other. This is not one of those situations."

Cas watched him, but said nothing.

"I offer no excuse. I screwed up." He sat on the edge of the table. "I'm sorry."

"Thanks." said Cas.

"I know what you were trying to do and I can't explain why I reacted like that."

"You're not really sleeping, these days. You're having your mind invaded on a regular basis. You're waiting for a battle with Michael and everyone around you thinks you're a superhero. Those are some strong contributory factors."

"You're defending me?"

"I think someone has to." said Cas.

"I had no right to say those things to you. I don't know how I begin to make it right, but I will find a way."

"Talk to Jack and we're even." said Cas.

"Not even close." said Dean, "But of course I'll talk to him. What was the argument about?"

"Jack still thinks it's his job to kill Michael. I told him it will be all of us, together and now he thinks I think he's weak. I talked to Sarah about it and she said we have to avoid making him feel he has something to prove. I'm afraid to speak to him in case I mess it up and he goes against Michael alone, just to show me he can. This fatherhood thing is hard."

"Yes, it is. And being a son isn't always easy. I remember when I was a kid, trying to convince my Dad I was old enough to hunt with him. I wasn't. I'd have been monster bait, but every time he told me no, it was like a slap in the face."

"He told me he's our best weapon and I know he's right, but he's not a weapon to me."

"No, he's our kid and I don't care if he could extinguish the sun with a thought, I need to protect him and so do you and Sam."

"At the risk of starting another fight, I still think you should consider some kind of warding, if only at night. The main reason you're not sleeping is that you're afraid I'll spy on your dreams."

"No it isn't." said Dean, "It's that I'm afraid you will have my dreams inflicted on you, because that wasn't good for you last time."

"That dream was trying to make you understand that your time as torturer was part of the torture, not part of some evil in you."

"Or maybe it was telling me how viciously I torture you at every opportunity. Whatever our arguments about the source of my skill, you have admitted before that I have a talent for torture."

"Experience, not talent." said Cas.

"Same thing."

"Not even a little bit." said Cas.

"Do you ever wonder why you bother to be friends with someone who will stab you in the heart every time?" said Dean.

"Yes. Over the years, I've given that a lot of thought."

"Any conclusions?"

"Many." said Cas with a smile, "But you wouldn't like them."

"I'll bet."

"For example, one conclusion is that if someone can only show love by getting angry and irrational when that love seems threatened, maybe he needs someone in his life who can see the love behind the anger."

"That sounds dangerously like a recipe for martyrdom." said Dean.

"Only if the angry one never moves past the anger. Here you are, minutes after all the fury, admitting you were wrong and trying to put it right."

"And tomorrow, I might be yelling at you again. I can't be worth this."

"You're my brother. You're my best friend."

"I suck at being both."

"Sometimes." Cas admitted, "But the other times make up for it. You voluntarily stood at my side when all of Heaven and Hell were against me."

"I don't want to ward against you. It feels wrong."

"How can it be wrong? I am giving you my consent. Frankly, I'm begging you to build that wall, so our friendship can survive."

"Friendship is about trust, not fortification." said Dean.

"Yes, but when trust crumbles, walls are good."

"I trust you."

"Not to read your mind, when I can't help but read it?"

"Not to use what you find there against me." said Dean.

"This leeching of thoughts is a problem. I'm offering you a solution."

"I know and I hate this thing as much as you do, but I'm not putting more barriers between us. It's hard enough being friends with a celestial being."

"Is it?" said Cas.

"Not because of anything you do, but just because of what you are. This friendship isn't supposed to exist. It feels like the whole universe is against it and I know I'm unworthy of it and I know you know that too, whether you admit it or not, but the day it ends, I lose something ... something that I will never willingly let go."

Cas smiled. "That's a lot better than, 'You don't know me.' I know you hate to admit that you feel anything, but we know each other too well not to know that this friendship, whether or not Heaven approves it, is real and forever."

"You could zap me to sleep every night and stop me from dreaming." said Dean.

"I could, but dreams seem to be important for humans."

"Just until we learn to stop the signal." 

"You'd really prefer that to warding?" said Cas.

"Yes. We don't even know the warding will stop the transference."

"Okay. Maybe we could try that. One of us has to keep an open mind."

"Cas, I really am sorry. I wish I could erase everything I said."

"I know you do. I wish I could heal the deep wound in your soul that makes you feel that nobody can ever really love you."

"I'll go talk to Jack. I know how he feels. After that, I think we should follow Sam's advice."

"The argan oil conditioner?" said Cas.

"No, spending more time together."

"Yes, good idea."

"But the conditioner is good too." said Dean.


	8. Chapter 8

Sam found Mary in the armoury, checking ammunition. "How did it go?" she said.

"It was a ghost. We dealt with it." he said.

"But something went wrong?" she said.

"Dean's mind was not on the job. How was Cas?"

"Fine, I think. He and Jules are working together a lot, these days."

"Yeah, Bobby's idea to get him more involved."

"I think he and Jules may definitely be getting more involved. He was asking what I thought."

"And what did you think?" said Sam.

"I think they'd be cute together."

"Dean thinks so too. I'm not so sure."

"You don't like her?" 

"That's not the problem. Cas is just ... well, his romantic adventures don't generally end well. I think he may need a little more time."

"He wants to make a move at the party." she said.

"Oh? Well, maybe he is ready. Mom, Dean and Cas just had an argument and Cas took it badly, so be nice to him, okay?"

"Of course I will. What was it about?" 

"Really, nothing, but some pretty vicious things got said."

"Dean has a real talent for hurting people."

"It's a defensive thing." said Sam.

"I know, but Cas isn't his enemy."

"Neither am I." said Sam, "He does it to me all the time. The problem is, I need them to work together. I think this mind connection happens because they feel a distance between them and their minds just link up to close it. If they're together and communicating, maybe it will stop."

"But now they are together and miscommunicating?"

"I'm hoping they can patch things up. I know it's what they both want." said Sam.

"Do you want me to hang around them more, or give them space?" she asked.

"I trust your judgement. I just wanted you to be aware."

"Is it the mind thing?" she said.

"Yeah. I get that it's weird and Dean is not a huge fan of any sharing of feelings, especially something he can't control, but they both talk like it's the worst thing that could have happened and all I can think is that it could be great. Imagine being able to communicate mind to mind with your best friend. Who wouldn't want that? But every time I suggest that to Dean, he gets angry. He just wants it gone."

"As you said, he's not comfortable with sharing his feelings, especially, I think, with Castiel."

"It's stupid. There's nobody he can trust more, except me."

"There's nobody whose opinion of him matters more, except you."

"So saying things to Cas that hurt him deeply is doubly stupid."

"We need a lot more bullets." she said.

"It's in hand." he said, "You'd tell me if you thought I might be making things worse, right?"

"Sam, you're a natural diplomat, which you didn't get from the Campbell side, I can assure you. There's nobody better able to keep those two on the right track. I really don't understand their relationship at all. In some ways it's so close, but in other ways, it's like they barely trust each other."

"They've just been through a lot, together and separately, that makes it hard for them to trust each other, or anyone. It's made worse by the fact each thinks they are less than the other. I see it as a friendship of equals, but Dean looks at Cas and sees an infinitely powerful angel and thinks of himself as the weakest and worst of men and Cas looks at Dean and sees a hero and thinks of himself as irredeemably flawed."

"What do you see when you look at them?" she said.

"I see my two, wounded, scarred, undefeated brothers. I see the only two people in this world that I would follow anywhere, even if I knew we were going to lose."

"Does Sarah know what's happening?" said Mary.

"I should probably give her a heads up." said Sam, "Dean said he'd call her later."

"She seems to have a way of getting him to do things." she said.

"And nobody knows Cas like she does." he said.

"I'm glad I finally get to meet her on Tuesday."

"I should warn you, she plans to make us all dance."

"Well, luckily, all the Campbells did a lot of dancing." she said.

"Dean is not eager." said Sam.

"Dean just needs to relax. You know, when he was little, he loved to dance. I can remember him dancing all around the house." She sighed. "I wish he could have stayed as lighthearted as he was then. I wish he could have kept that joy."

"Sarah thinks he did, or at least, the capacity for it. She saw him laughing with Jack when they were fixing her car. She thinks he can still find happiness. Of course, first, he has to be convinced that he deserves it."

"I never wanted either of you to have to bear the burdens you do."

Sam hugged her. "If we didn't, someone else would have to, and they might not be as strong as we are."


	9. Chapter 9

Dean saw Jules at the map table, drinking her bottle of beer. "Have you seen Jack?" he said.

"He and Cas had words. I think he went to his room."

"Thanks." said Dean.

"Dean, I know it's none of my business," she said quietly, "And it makes no difference to me at all, but is there something between you and Cas?"

"About a decade of hellfire and human error." he said, "Why do you ask?"

"He just never seems to stop talking about you and how great you are. You're fearless, you're funny, you know more lore than anyone else on the planet. I mean, I in no way disagree with him. I have so much respect for you and your brother, but Cas goes on and on about you, like he's in love."

Dean grinned. "No, it's not that, trust me. Nothing like that. Cas has communication issues. It's an angel thing. Great at the occasional annunciation, fantastic at delivering an ultimatum from the Big Guy, terrible at small talk. He doesn't know many people, so he over-invests conversationally in the few he does know and since you and he both know me, he sees me as something he can talk to you about."

Jules smiled. "That's really sweet."

"Yeah, in a weird kind of way it really is."

"You never think of angels as being awkward."

"No, until you get to know them, you don't." he said, "Don't let it make you think less of him. He's really trying hard to be sociable and Cas is a great friend to have. He's weird, I know, but also profoundly sincere and caring and loyal. He may not be the slickest communicator, but he'll be right beside you when everyone else has run away."

"You don't need to convince me. I really like him. With him and with Jack, there's no point-scoring or game-playing. I like his sense of humour too."

"A lot of people think he hasn't got one."

"Oh, he has one. Very dry, very clever. You know how you just like to be around some people, because they make the day better? He's like that."

"Yes, he is." said Dean.

"And the things he knows ... The lore, the science, the magic ... I just know he and Jack will help us obliterate Michael."

"Yeah, I should find Jack now." he said, "I'll see you later."

"I hope asking about you and Cas didn't imply ... I mean, I hope you weren't embarrassed."

"No. I don't swing that way, but I'm flattered you think that, if I did, I could interest an angel."

She smiled. "You are a good looking guy."

He bowed and left the room. Soon, he was knocking on Jack's door. "Jack, are you in there?" 

Jack opened the door. "Did Castiel send you?"

"Cas wanted me to make sure you're okay, but I wanted to talk to you anyway. We haven't seen much of each other, with the hunts and everything." He walked into the small room.

Jack closed the door sat at the head of the bed. Dean sat at the foot.

"He thinks I'm a kid." he said, "He wants to protect me from Michael."

"And you're not a kid." said Dean, "You're fully grown and every bit as capable of fighting as he is, more capable of fighting Michael. You're really the only one of us who has a chance in a one on one fight with Michael."

"Yes, I am." said Jack.

"And he knows that too."

"He doesn't act like he knows it." said Jack.

"Before you were born, Cas faced me down and told me he would not allow you to be killed, by me or anyone else."

"I remember."

"Just as you chose him as your father, he adopted you as his son. Castiel doesn't know how to limit his love. From then on, you were the most important person in his life and your safety and survival rank way above his own."

"I know."

"What feels to you like a dismissal of your abilities is nothing of the kind. He knows you are more powerful than he is. It's just that he can't handle the thought of you being hurt."

"How does he think I feel about the thought of him being atomised? He thinks he should be between Michael and me. The truth is, if I don't take on Michael at the first opportunity, he will and you know as well as I do that he'll die."

"That's your problem with it?" said Dean.

"Four of us want Michael defeated, not including our weaker friends. Only one of the four can face him in combat and hope to survive. I know you all think I'm the one that needs protection, but I am the one Michael can't kill with a wave of his hand. My almost invulnerable life or you three? Even if I were certain to die, no contest, but I'm not. I'm almost certain to live."

"Objectively, you are absolutely right." said Dean, "But that's not how his mind or ours work. To him, you are his child. To us, you are Jack. We can't see this objectively, because you're our kid and we need to keep you safe. And yes, victory against Michael may require us to risk your life in battle, but we are never gonna be okay with that and the one who will be least okay with it is gonna be Cas."

"You were once ready to kill me. You tried to kill me." said Jack, with no trace of bitterness.

"Yeah and I tried not to get to know you, because I knew, if I did, I'd never be able to kill you. And now I know you and I love you and anyone who wants to kill you will have to kill me first."

"If I go darkside, you know, you will kill me."

"No. I know I will have to kill you. I don't know if I can."

"You can. I have faith in you." said Jack.

"Look, I know how you feel. I wanted to hunt long before Dad thought I was ready. I got frustrated and angry when he treated me like a kid. I will try never to treat you that way, but don't give Cas a hard time for loving you."

"I try not to." said Jack.

"Love like that, it's pretty hard to find. He deserves better than to be knocked down for trying to help."

"I'd never do that."

"No, I know you wouldn't." said Dean, "Just be good to him, okay? Remember that he does everything he does out of love and loyalty."


	10. Chapter 10

Dean went to his room and called Sarah. 

"Dean!" she said, "I was starting to worry about you. You've been a little distant recently."

"Just tired." he said.

"Avoiding dreams by avoiding sleep?" she said.

"It's purely temporary. Just until we shut down this connection."

"It was useful to you that night you were here, when Castiel was able to get into your dream and argue with it."

"Cas could always get into my dreams." said Dean.

"He told me it was easier that time." she said.

"Well, that's the only good thing he's said about it. It's stressing him out, it's damaging our friendship and it's making me even more of an irritable jerk than I usually am. The sooner we kill it, the better."

"You seem very sure of that."

"Cas can't take much more of it." he said.

"Dean, every time we discuss this, you tell me how much Castiel needs it shut down. You never tell me you do."

"I'm not the one getting a headful of someone else's mental chaos."

"Isn't it fair to say that you don't want this shut down, because, for the first time in your life, you don't feel alone?"

"No, that's not fair to say. That's not fair at all. I need to sort this for Cas. Today, he suggested I should ward my room against angels. He's talking like he's some kind of monster."

"He's trying to find a solution."

"He's not the problem I need to solve." he said.

"So what is?" said Sarah, "The first step is defining the problem."

"The connection between us, which is not his fault or his choice. It just happened."

"It happened because you had a deep connection already. What if the only way to shut it down is to lose that connection?"

"Do you think that's the answer?" he said, not wanting even to consider that possibility.

"Would you do it?" she asked.

"If it's what Cas wanted, yes." he said.

"But you don't want to."

"Of course I don't want to."

"In fact, losing his friendship would be one of the worst things that could ever happen to you."

"Yes." he said. There was no point in denying it.

"You'd rather learn to live with the thought-sharing."

"Yes, but I don't know if Cas could bear that." he said.

"What if he came to like having instant communion with you?"

"I can't see that happening. With this thing going on, he can barely make eye contact."

"Can you?"

"Not really." he admitted.

"Have you two really discussed this thing and what you actually want to do about it?"

"At length." he said, "I've said no to the warding thing. If we go that route, we might as well just go our separate ways."

"Have you told him you don't hate the mental link?"

"What makes you think I don't hate it?"

"That you hate having no way to switch it off, I can believe, but that you hate everything about it, that seems unlikely."

"Well, unlikely or not, it's the truth. I hate everything about it. I hate what it does to Cas. I hate the way it damages our friendship. I hate the way it makes me feel. There is nothing good about it."

"How does it make you feel?"

"Naked, exposed, weak, ashamed, afraid and angry."

"That does sound unequivocally bad."

"Yeah, it does, doesn't it?"

"Does Castiel feel the same way?"

"Yes. And add guilty for him, because he blames himself every time."

"And you would do anything to take away everything that's hurting him."

"Of course."

"What's the plan for now, then?"

"We've tried avoiding each other and that was a bad mistake. So Plan B is Sam's idea, that we stop avoiding each other and stay close. With luck, the connection won't happen if we're talking all the time. And at night, he can zap me and stop me dreaming and then he won't have to handle the crapfest that is my nocturnal brain."

"That seems a shame when he was helping you with your dreams."

"It's not forever. Sam will find something in the lore. This has to have happened before."

"I doubt it. Angels and humans don't seem to interact this closely very often. Our Castiel is unique."

Could we talk about his birthday?"

"Yes, I've been meaning to ask. What kind of dancing do you like? Barn, ballroom or disco?"

"I don't dance."

"Ever?"

"Ever." he said.

"So what you're saying is that you're equally unskilled in all forms of dance?"

"Shamefully so." he said.

"So I just have to teach you whichever one we choose." said Sarah.

"I think you misheard me. I don't dance. I just don't. Ever."

"I heard you. Until now, you've never danced. Seems like time to learn." she said.

"Sarah, seriously. It's not my thing."

"Well, my thing is that I always dance with the best looking man at any party and that means you and Sam and Castiel. Are you really planning to disappoint me?"

"You really make it hard to refuse you." he said.

"I know. I'm a very manipulative person, a lot like you."

"I'm not manipulative. I'm just proactive in getting my own way."

"Oh, I like that! I think I'll embroider that on a cushion cover."

He laughed. "Sarah, I like you. I'm not gonna be controlled by you, but I like you. I look forward to seeing you try to teach Castiel to dance."

"What makes you think he can't dance?" she said.

"Are you saying he can?"

"How badly do you want to find out? Enough to dance yourself?"

"No, I'm fine with not knowing. What do I get him as a present?"

"Whatever you get him, he'll love." she said.

"That doesn't help much." he said.

"Get him something he can keep with him, something that can be easily carried around. He won't ever want to leave it behind anywhere."

"Thanks. That at least gives me a place to start."


	11. Chapter 11

Cas was making his way through a dreary Elizabethan tome on angels, searching for anything that might help when Dean came back into the library.

"Are you busy?" Dean asked.

"Not really." said Cas, "Looking for answers, getting nowhere."

"Let's go for a drive, forget everything for a while. Just let me give Sam his homework." He took out his phone and called Sam. "Hey, Sam, I left some stuff on your bed. I need some translations."

Whatever Sam said, it made Dean smile. "Just think of it as me helping you to keep your ancient languages fresh in your mind. Cas and I are taking the car. We'll be back in a few hours. Obviously, call if you need us. Yeah, I always do. See you later." He ended the call and put the phone in his pocket. "Come on, Cas."

Cas put the book away and followed Dean to the garage. "How did it go with Jack?" he said.

"Jack's good." said Dean, "He gets why you were upset and I made sure he knows we know he's not weak or useless. He made a good point. He's the only one of us Michael can't easily kill."

"You didn't agree he could go after Michael alone?" said Cas.

"No, I didn't. I told him why we can't let that happen."

"Sorry, I should have more faith in you."

"After what happened earlier, I'm surprised you have any." said Dean.

They got into the car.

"Let's forget earlier. Things just went wrong."

"You're allowed to be angry about it." said Dean.

"Allowed, but not inclined. We don't need more conflict right now. Besides, it's not your fault you got angry about the wards."

"Do you really think I'm insane, insecure and paranoid?" said Dean.

"No, of course not. We were both on edge. We both spoke without thought. This mind bond thing has us both out of our minds."

"We need something to call it."

"The mind curse?"

"I wish it could be a curse. We know how to fix curses."

"Call Rowena and risk repercussions that could destroy the world?"

"Admittedly, that does make it sound like a bad idea."

They didn't talk again until they were driving along the sunlit September roads, with fields stretching away on either side. Then Dean said, "I talked to Sarah earlier. That woman really wants to see people dance."

"She does enjoy dancing." said Cas.

"She implied you can dance."

"Well, of course I can dance, to a degree. Social dancing, not performance level."

"Why don't I know you can dance?" said Dean.

"Probably because you never asked me if I could."

"You never volunteered the information."

"I suppose it never seemed relevant." said Cas.'

"So what else don't I know? Your series of blockbuster novels? Your work for NASA? Your stripper name?" Dean grinned. "Can I guess at your stripper name?"

"Please don't." said Cas.

"Sorry, man, it's just so weird that I never knew you could dance."

"I never knew you couldn't." said Cas.

"Hey, I can dance. I just don't."

"Why not?" said Cas. 

"Because I have a brother and brothers point and laugh."

"I didn't know you were so sensitive either." said Cas.

"I'm not. I just don't invite ridicule."

"You know, she's going to make you dance."

"I've said no to Michael." said Dean.

"This will be an interesting experiment. Winchester willpower against Sarah's stubbornness."

"No contest." said Dean.

"I agree. Make sure you're wearing footwear you can dance in."

"Why does she care if I dance?" said Dean.

"She doesn't. She cares if you don't dance."

"That's the same thing." said Dean.

"No, it's different. She likes you, Dean. She understands you. She's been through similar losses, used similar tactics to handle the pain. A few years ago, we talked a lot about it."

"Why?"

"Not in connection with you." said Cas quickly, "Although, I recognised the parallels at the time."

"You two have had some deep conversations."

"Yes."

"Whether or not I dance has nothing to do with any losses." said Dean.

"I don't want to make you angry." said Cas.

"I'm not angry." said Dean, "I'm not going to be angry."

The anger building in Dean's mind was suddenly pushing at the edges of Castiel's.

"Play music." said Cas, "Any music, loudly."

"What for?" said Dean.

Cas pushed the play button and turned up the volume. Bon Jovi filled his head, pushing the alien emotions out.

"Cas?" said Dean.

"We need to talk about something else." said Cas.

"Mind curse?" said Dean.

"Mind curse. Is there any subject that isn't going to make you angry?"

"I wasn't angry." said Dean.

"Then can you think of a subject on which you are less passionately indifferent?" said Cas.

"We should stick to the same subject. If we talk, no need for the mind curse to activate."

"You got angry because you don't want to talk about it."

"Just try, okay?"

"Okay, Sarah talks a lot about avoidance of joy, running away from anything that might bring a moment of happiness."

"Well, that's crap, clearly. I seek out moments of happiness. That's why I eat burgers and know what kinds of name strippers use."  
'  
"Empty hedonism isn't happiness." said Cas.

"Oh, try it, before you dismiss it." said Dean.

"Let me ask you something. Why is dancing in front of your family more embarrassing to you than tucking twenty dollars into the thigh-high boots of a stripper?"

"That is the kind of question only an angel would ask."

"And you choose not to answer it." said Cas. He focused on the music, letting the fear he was now feeling from Dean retreat from the ordered notes.

"No." said Dean's voice in his head, "Don't give up on me."

Cas wanted to answer the plea with an assurance, but he knew he should just pretend he hadn't heard it. It was not meant for him to hear.

"Don't decide not to come to the party, just because you don't want to dance." he said instead.

"No, I won't. It's your birthday. I won't miss it."

"Actually, it's not. When I came into existence, dates and calendars didn't exist and I wasn't born and ... "

"I know. It doesn't matter. It's your day, however it got chosen."

"You don't know why I chose it?" said Cas.

"Yeah, I know."

"Do you want me to choose another date? I realise it's your date more than mine and if it brings with it unpleasant associations ... "

"Stop that." said Dean, "Stop acting like you don't matter, like your whole life is instantly editable if it offends me in any way."

"It's just a day." said Cas, "If you want me to change it ... "

"No, I love that you chose that day. I love that you think that day means something."

"Everything." said Cas, "You saved me as I saved you."

Dean smiled at him. "I've dragged you through every kind of Hell."

"Whatever we've been through, I've never regretted meeting you."

"I'm the reason you lost your wings."

"That was Metatron."

"I'm certainly the reason you fell." said Dean.

"You keep saying that."

"Because it's true."

"You set me free." said Cas.

"Freedom isn't so great." said Dean.

"It beats the alternative."


	12. Chapter 12

Sam lay on his bed, reading the long list of bizarre, unrelated phrases Dean wanted translated into Latin. Except for exorcisms and the occasional spell, Dean did not use Latin. He didn't really like Latin and endlessly teased Sam for knowing it.

Sam briefly considered the possibility that Dean wanted the phrases as potential passwords, but that seemed very unlikely. Dean's passwords were pretty strong already, combining words and numbers only connected by the rock geek's odd and confusing mind, obvious to Dean, impenetrable nonsense to anyone else.

His second theory was that Dean wanted one or two of the phrases, but didn't want Sam to know what he was using them for, so threw in the others to make it impossible to work out. Certainly, Sam could see no practical use for "Advance, I follow." for someone who had never followed anyone but John Winchester and never would, but he wrote down, "Perge, sequar." anyway. 

Dean tried to be more open with him these days and could usually be induced to be honest with a little pressure and interrogation, but he still had a default setting of secrecy.

It was the same with the mind merging problem. Getting Dean to say anything about it beyond that he wanted it gone was like pulling teeth and about as painful to Dean. Sam knew his brother. He knew there was nothing simple about the situation and the constant repetition of the need to destroy the connection only told him that Dean was trying to convince himself of the necessity. Dean seemed almost ashamed when he talked about it. In his heart, Sam suspected, Dean was not so eager to remove the connection. Dean had always felt he was alone in some ways and of course he had mixed feelings about having someone to share even the things he could never say.

But he saw it as something that hurt Cas, so he genuinely wanted to end it, however much he might crave that connection for his own sake. Sam wished he could get Dean to discuss it, if only so he could assure him that feeling some regret that it had to end was not selfish or wrong, but human. But Dean did not like to be seen as human. He held himself to a higher standard.

Getting Cas to discuss it was even harder. What he was feeling was anybody's guess. Maybe Dean knew. Maybe, with their mind link, they understood each other without needing to talk about it. Or maybe they didn't and they were both confused and uneasy and afraid to say that sometimes, the link was more blessing than disaster.

Sam also felt unsure about his own feelings on the matter. He could see so many advantages to telepathy between Dean and Cas, if they could learn to control it and use it as a simple method of communication, but he also knew he would not want his dreams witnessed by anyone else and Dean was a lot less relaxed about that kind of thing than he was.

Sam worried sometimes that he was trying to encourage them to consider the benefits for purely selfish reasons. If they really both found it unbearable, no tactical advantage or mundane convenience justified asking them to continue enduring it. 

He told himself that he cared most about the potential it had to strengthen their relationship and remove some of the miscommunication and confusion from it, but he told himself a lot. He'd been questioning his own motives all his life and did so all the more where his brothers were concerned. It mattered whether he was thinking as a brother or a coordinator of hunters. It mattered whether he had considered all the possible ramifications of keeping the link active.

At least they were trying his idea of spending more time together, communicating more, not less, but that too made him nervous. When stressed, Dean became angry and Cas tended to withdraw behind granite walls. Neither found communication easy and if either started to feel threatened or cornered, the situation could only get worse. 

He found a glimmer of reassurance in the fact that he knew how much they loved each other. They had fought for their friendship against Heaven and they would fight this too, if they had to. He had never truly believed that Cas and Dean would ever allow their friendship, that profound bond of which Cas had spoken, to die. It meant too much to both of them. 

Sam was sometimes surprised how much it meant to him. In a lifetime full of betrayals, double crosses, abandonment and bereavement, Dean had not had many true friends. To see how Cas stood by him, even when Dean himself considered his actions wrong and stupid, was wonderful. In Cas, Dean had the good friend he had always deserved and Sam would defend their bond with his life.


	13. Chapter 13

Dean had turned down the music a little and Cas seemed fine with it. "What are parties with Sarah usually like?" he said.

"Usually, it's just been the two of us." said Cas, "Which is good, but Sarah said it will be better with more."

"Yeah, all your friends will be there, except Claire."

"Claire's very busy." said Cas.

"Yeah. Jody has to work too. It's a pity."

"There will be a lot of people there."

"Jules will be there." said Dean.

"Yes, Jules will be there." said Cas. His eyebrows moved oddly and he almost smiled.

"Jules is great, isn't she?" said Dean.

"Yes, she is." said Cas, "And parties, I hear, are a good way to get closer to colleagues and co-workers and friends."

"They can be. Now, Cas, do we need to have the Nephilim Talk?"

"What nephilim talk?"

"The one about how nephilim are dangerous and bad and about how important it is that none are brought into being."

"Didn't I give you the Nephilim Talk?" said Cas.

"That's right, you did. So you know all that already."

"Yes." said Cas.

"Good. Okay. And I'm guessing the creation of a nephilim is not something that can happen by accident?"

"No, angels control the fertility of their vessels. Conception is an act of will. Why are we talking about nephilim?"

Dean knew it was pointless to try to explain. Cas was not great with context. "It doesn't matter." he said.

"Are you getting angry again?" said Cas.

"No, I'm just finding conversation a little difficult today."

"I have trouble with it most days." said Cas, sympathetically. 

"I know you do. Sorry that I don't help enough with that."

"Sarah says I'm improving." said Cas.

"You are." said Dean, "You're doing great."

There was an awkward silence. Dean wanted to say something encouraging without sounding like he was criticising Cas's social skills.

After a while, Cas said quietly, "You seem unhappy."

"No, I'm fine." said Dean.

Cas didn't respond, but Dean could feel the disbelief. Their mental connection made life embarrassing.

"I'm fine." he said as firmly as he could.

"Good." said Castiel. At the back of Dean's mind, he heard a fainter voice say, "Yeah, right!" He turned the music up again.

"I just want to say the right thing." he said, "But my main talent is for saying the wrong one." Something in his mind that was not him seemed to relax at the honest statement.

"There's something we need to discuss." said Cas.

"Now? With the mind curse active?" said Dean.

"Mary wants to start another of the books. Sam and I are supposed to read with her tonight."

"Didn't we say I was taking over from Sam?" said Dean.

"Sam didn't mention that to me."

"No, I bet he didn't." said Dean.

Cas blinked. "Dean, don't get angry. Anger is the easiest one for me to pick up."

"Sorry. I'll try to control it."

"The problem is me, not Sam. If I read the book with Mary, things might transmit themselves to you and the whole point of Sam and me doing the readings is that then, you don't have to feel all the stuff in the books."

"Well, let's use the fact that I am going to feel them anyway to keep Sam out of it tonight. I'll be with you, then if it gets too much for any of us, whoever is struggling can call for a break. Which book is it?"

"Born Under A Bad Sign."

"Okay. Sam definitely isn't going within a mile of that one."

"Are you sure you want to? You thought you might have to kill Sam."

"Why is Mom picking all the worst books?"

"Because she wants to know the worst things and you're not exactly rushing to tell her any of them." said Cas.

"It'a not a problem-free book for you, either." said Dean, "It shows Meg in a bad light."

"Meg was evil, at the time." said Cas. No whisper offered any other view in Dean's head.

"It doesn't trouble you?" 

"That Meg was evil? She's a demon."

"Present tense?" said Dean.

"She was a demon." said Cas, "And demons don't become demons by living lives of quiet virtue." Black clouds swirled at the back of Dean's mind. He could feel Cas trying to draw them back.

"It's okay." he said, "I get it. It's complicated."

"But also very simple." said Cas, "Have I really lived a better life than she has? Can a fallen angel presume to judge a demon who sometimes chose to do good?" He smiled. "I suppose I'm asking the wrong person. The evil she chose to do afflicted your family."

"And at the end, she died so you and I could live and I know you were the priority, but I have no problem with that. We've all done good, we've all done bad and some of it, we won't even know was bad or good until some final reckoning which may or may not come out in our favour." Dean felt his mind clear. Cas's anxiety had retreated, if it had not dissipated. "Talking works." he said.

"Apparently, so does you controlling your anger." said Cas.

"Good. We're getting somewhere. Look, Sarah said ... Well, it's nothing, but, you hate the mind curse, right?"

"Of course I do." said Cas immediately, "I hate it as much as you do."

"Yeah, that's what I thought." said Dean. He turned the music up higher and increased his speed a little.


	14. Chapter 14

Sam texted Jack to meet him outside the bunker. They walked to the group of trees on the edge of a field, a place Sam sometimes used to get some time to think alone. Only there did Sam break the silence. "I think I can help Dean and Castiel, but I'll need your help."

"You have it, whatever it is." said Jack.

"Don't decide so quickly. It involves a deception and I know you hate those."

"And so do you, so why do you want it now?" said Jack.

"Because I don't think there's any other way to fix the problem. Dean won't consider the warding idea, Cas is losing his mind trying to think of something else and the stress it's putting on their friendship is phenomenal. My idea will just give them some peace until we can do something more effective."

"What do you need me to do?"

"Have you heard of the placebo effect?"

"Unless they were a seventies rock band, probably not." said Jack.

"Well, basically, if you give someone a pill and tell them it will cure them, there's a good chance it will alleviate their symptoms purely because they believe in it."

"That really works?"

"Yes, humans can be very gullible. Angels can be too. We just need to convince them both we've found something in the lore that enables the making of two talismans that give them the power to control and so close the link between them."

"Dean has already said no to the wards." said Jack.

"Dean won't do anything that feels like binding or repelling Cas." said Sam, "He can't do it. You know how Dean feels about betrayal."

"But Cas consented."

"Dean thinks Cas will do anything. He's probably right. We have two instinctive martyrs, each eager to sacrifice himself for the other. This will not be presented as wards, but as something that gives each control over his own mind. If we can just convince them that it works, it will work. They'll both be able to kill the link at will."

"Are you sure?" said Jack.

"Pretty sure. I'm pretty sure the link exists because they wanted it to. It's not a conscious thing, but they seem to control it. Neither can close it because neither really wants to. I mean, Cas was almost completely alone for millions of years. His closest friends were the other angels in the garrison and they weren't exactly bosom buddies. Now he has Dean and a direct connection to someone who cares about him. Of course he can't just shut it down. Dean's been alone a lot too and even when I've been around, he can't talk to me because he wants to protect me. They're both trying, but all the willpower in the world can't stop the connection they both need so much."

"Then how will our placebo talismans help?" said Jack.

"Imagine you had a room that held everything that mattered to you, but you had to guard the door day and night. It wouldn't matter what was behind that door, it would be exhausting. We are just putting a key into their hands, so they can lock the door and walk away from it. If we can make them believe in the keys, we are giving them control. From there, they can make up their own minds."

Jack nodded. "You're good."

"I'm planning to lie to my brother and to an angel of the Lord because it's easier than trying to pick my way through their entangled insecurities and self-doubt." said Sam, "I doubt if I am even adequate. I just need to do something, before Dean says something to Cas he can't take back."

"I don't understand why you need me."

"Jack, they both trust you. They both know how honest you are. I spin them this line, they're going to ask a lot of questions. If I say you and I found this solution together and you back me up, they will listen."

"So why didn't you let me think this was a real way to fix it?" said Jack.

"It didn't feel right. I don't want to use you, Jack. I certainly don't want to exploit your trust."

"Just theirs?"

Sam knew how Jack felt. He hated it too. "Yeah, just theirs." he said.

"If we say we think it will work, we're not actually lying." said Jack.

"No, we just don't mention the placebo thing." said Sam.

"So now we just need to find two convincing-looking talismans."

"Identical would be best." said Sam.

"I'll search the store rooms. Of course, Castiel might be able to tell there's no power in the thing."

"I hadn't thought of that." Sam admitted.

"But maybe I can just add a little shimmer to the aura of the thing, a tingle to the touch, just for angels."

"You can do that?"

"I can try." said Jack, "Being half archangel has to be good for something, right? And Castiel is not half archangel and might not be able to read the power clearly. He'll just know there is power there."

"You may be a genius." said Sam.

"It may not work. If it doesn't, neither of them will trust us."

"I know." said Sam.

"But if it does work, they can both relax and enjoy the party." said Jack with a smile. "That has to be worth the risk."

"And if, later, they want to explore the link and its potential advantages, they only have to remove the talismans."


	15. Chapter 15

Cas tried to concentrate on the music, to fill his mind with anything safe and controlled. Under normal circumstances, he knew Dean well and would have known he was troubled by the clenched jaw and the hands gripping the wheel, but now he had Dean's fears pressing on his mind, wordless, so impossible to understand or address.

"Is there something on your mind?" he said, trying to sound casual.

"No." said Dean.

"Good." said Cas, trying hard not to let his own thoughts drift into Dean's head.

"We should go back soon." said Dean and his reluctance was like a heavy, cold, wet blanket over the shoulders. "If we're going to read with Mom ... "

"Not tonight." said Cas, "You're not in the right frame of mind. She'll understand if we leave it until tomorrow." Dean didn't argue, so Cas called Mary. "Hello, Mary. Dean and I will be reading the book with you, but we think we should do it tomorrow."

"Okay," said Mary, "But I also need Dean for something else tomorrow. I need him to help me practice with an angel blade. Could you tell him that, please?"

"I could help you." said Cas.

"No offence to Dean, but I want to practice with him before I take on an actual angel."

"What's she saying?" said Dean.

"She wants you to do some angel blade fighting with her tomorrow."

"Great. It'll be fun."

"Yes, Mary, Dean is very happy to do that." said Cas, "We'll see you later."

All Dean's agitated feelings seemed to drift away from Cas's mind. The jaw unclenched and the hands relaxed. Cas's own anxiety faded. It didn't bother him that the idea of a practice bout with an angel blade was what seemed to have helped. He didn't care where Dean found his peace, as long as the pain and fear could be held at bay.

He tried to think of any topic that would not cause more stress. It wasn't easy. Even without the mind curse weighing on his mind, Dean had a lot to think about and none of it was looking good.

"Any sign of it?" said Dean suddenly.

"Any sign of ... ?"

"The mind curse!" said Dean.

"Nothing strong, just occasional glimpses of emotion." said Cas, "Gone now."

Dean didn't ask what emotions. Cas chose not to volunteer the information.

"I'm sorry, Cas. I know this stinks for you."

"I think it's worse for you." said Cas.

"I just wanna say, I'm glad it's you." Dean let out a small laugh. "Sorry, that sounded wrong. I don't mean I'm glad you have to suffer all my self-pity and crap, I just mean, if someone had to get a front-row seat to my thoughts, I'm glad it's someone I can trust."

"I feel the same way." said Cas.

"And maybe, when this is over and the link is closed, having gone through this will bring us closer together. I'm not saying there's a good side to this, just that ... I am so bad at this. You talk for a bit."

"I'm not sure that's a good idea." said Cas, "The things I want to say, I may not be wise to say."

"If there's something you want to say, say it. And if it kicks off any emotional swamping, we'll swim through it. We've been through worse than this together."

"Yes, we have." said Cas, "What I want to say is that feeling bad, sometimes, experiencing pain and admitting it, that's not self-pity. You are the least self-pitying person I know."

"You don't know many people, Cas."

"You've been through so much, given up so much and you don't allow yourself a moment of self-pity. You just keep on fighting, doing whatever it takes to do whatever needs to be done."

"Yeah, well, I haven't really had a choice."

"You've had nothing but choices. You could have walked away at any time and let someone else fight these battles."

"No-one else would do it."

"Everyone else made the choice not to." said Cas, "And now you're planning to defend this world again and from Michael. You're ready to die for people who don't know you exist. That's pretty amazing."

"You're ready to die for them too." said Dean.

"Mostly, I'm ready to die for you. I find my loyalties are sharply focused these days. I want humanity to prosper, I always have, but it's the Winchesters for whom I will fight to my last breath and then come back and fight some more."

"Cas, the first time we met, I liked you and I hated the fact that I liked you, because you were kind of a dick."

"I was." said Cas.

"But there was something about you ... I don't know. You were never like the other angels."

"So they often told me."

"It's a compliment, believe me."

"From them, it was not intended as one."

"This life I ended up with, it hurts like Hell, especially the parts that happened in Hell. Sometimes I wonder how I'm still waking up in the morning and dragging myself through another day. You know what the answer is? You and Sam and Jack and Mom. My family. Cas, I know I don't say enough. I can't say enough. I hate that it's the anger you can pick up on, not the love."

"That comes through too, sometimes." said Cas.

"Our friendship ... Our brotherhood is important to me in ways I don't have the words to explain. There are no words to describe it. Nobody ever made a word big enough for what you are, except the word Castiel, which kinda covers everything. Do I sound as stupid to you as I do to myself?"

"No," said Cas, "You never sound stupid to me."

"You pulled me out of Hell and it feels so weird to say it, but that's the least and tiniest thing you ever did for me. The other stuff is all so much greater. I was a demon and you still wouldn't give up on me. I was a monster and you refused to walk away."

"You were never a monster in my eyes." said Cas.

"Even when I killed the Styne kid?"

"The mark made you do that."

"Is my mind intruding on yours at all?" said Dean.

"No. Perhaps because it doesn't need to. You're saying the things it wants to express to me."

"I'm babbling. I'm using far too many words when three will do. But I want you to know how much this friendship means to me. I want you to understand that I know exactly how impossible it is that I should matter to you."

"Because I'm an angel?"

"No. Because you're Castiel."


	16. Chapter 16

Sam was eating sandwiches in the kitchen when Jack came in and sat opposite him. "Small problem with everything amulet-like in the storerooms."

"What's that?" said Sam.

"Everything is catalogued and described, most of it by Dean."

"I forgot about that." said Sam, "So we need to buy something."

"Or we use these." said Jack, dropping two small silver keys onto the table. "I found them in a drawer in one of the bedrooms. It hadn't been cleared out yet. I doubt Dean has ever seen them."

"Put them on chains and they would be pretty convincing." said Sam, "You've done well, Jack."

Jack smiled. "Thanks."

"Now, we just need to get the presentation right. We can't rush it. Can you do your aura tweaking thing?"

Jack held both keys in his hand and looked at them. For a moment, his eyes glowed golden and golden light shone on the keys. Then he put them back onto the table. "I've never tried this before and I can't promise it will fool Castiel, but in theory, he will detect celestial energy in them."

"Thanks, Jack." Sam called Cas.

"Hello, Sam." said Cas, "Do you need us? We were planning to head back soon anyway."

"No hurry." said Sam, "Just wanted to keep you both in the loop. Jack and I were digging through some very obscure lore and we found something that could help."

"You're on speaker." said Cas, "What have you got?"

Sam switched his phone to speaker too. "A talisman that can ... "

"No warding, no talismans, nothing that makes a barrier." said Dean, "I thought I'd been clear on that."

"Dean, shut up and listen, no barriers involved." said Sam, "This is called a Key of Rhydian and it gives you control over your unconscious mind. You each wear a talisman and that means each of you controls what happens with your own mind. Yours won't block Cas, it will simply stop you from transmitting. Is that okay with you?"

"That actually sounds pretty useful." said Dean, "And you came up with this?"

"Actually, Jack did. I was just a research assistant, this time."

"Sam's just being modest." said Jack.

"I suspect you are too." said Dean, "You've both done well. Thanks, guys. How long will it take to get these talismans?"

"I think I've found a source for them. With luck, we can get them in the next couple of days."

"Could you get them in time for the party?" said Cas.

"Yeah, I think so." said Sam.

"Good," said Dean, "Because that's a big night for Cas and he won't want the mind curse ruining it."

"Mind curse? That's the name we're going with?" said Sam.

"Cas and I are happy with it." said Dean.

"Okay." said Sam, "And are you happy in general? You're both dealing with this well?"

"I think so." said Dean, "You were right that talking seems to help keep it from activating."

"So you two are actually talking, about stuff that matters?"

"None of your business, Dr Phil." said Dean.

Sam smiled at Jack. It sounded like a yes.

"We're fine." said Cas, "We are in control of this thing, to a degree."

"Go on," said Dean, "Tell me again how it could be useful."

"No point." said Sam, "If you both hate it."

"We do." said Cas.

"Then the talismans are the way to go." said Sam, "I'll see you both later." He ended the call and looked at Jack. "If this thing makes them talk to each other properly, it could be the best thing that ever happened to them."

"Do you think they really are talking about the things that matter?" said Jack.

"I don't know, but I hope so. They both need that."

"Who is or was Rhydian?" said Jack.

Sam smirked. "A guy who used to do my laundry in college. I always thought his name sounded like he should be a wizard or something."

"I'll never understand how you and Dean can just make things up like that. You sounded so convincing."

"Yeah, well, I sorta had to. Dean has very good instincts. If I sounded even a little off, he'd know at once that he was being played. That wouldn't end well for any of us."

"So, tomorrow, I'm guessing we need to pretend to go out and get these things."

"Yeah. We can go see a movie or something."

"Not a good idea. I'd slip up and talk about the movie and Dean knows what I have and haven't seen. We could go to a museum."

"I like the way you think."

Jack looked thoughtful. "They haven't talked about the link, have they? I mean, not honestly. They're each pretending to the other that they hate it."

"Another reason to wait another day." said Sam, "It's always possible the link will tell one or both that the other doesn't entirely hate it."


	17. Chapter 17

Dean parked at a truck stop. "I need food." he said, "Do you want anything?"

Cas didn't immediately reply.

"Cas?"

"Yes." said Cas.

"Okay, come on." said Dean. They went into a clean and comfortable diner. Dean dealt with the food and drinks, Cas's single contribution being the word, "Coffee."

Their table was in a corner, next to a window. The Impala was in full view. Cas gazed at it as if he wished he were waiting out there. Dean tried to focus on his food, but Cas was too distracted, too distant.

Dean didn't want to ask anything. He could see something was wrong, but asking for details could just make things worse, or wake the dormant link between them in a public place.

Cas took out his phone and checked for messages that Dean knew were not likely to be there. He pulled his own phone out of his pocket and sent one. "Earth to Castiel."

Cas read it and looked up. "Sorry." he said.

"Sam and Jack will fix it." said Dean.

"I know they will." said Cas.

"Tomorrow or Monday, they'll get those talismans. Then we can relax."

"Yes." said Cas.

"Look, you don't have to worry. Until then, I'm not gonna hold anything against you. You can speak, you can even send thoughts and read mine. You didn't choose this, so I can't blame you."

In his head, he heard clearly, "When did that ever stop you?"

"Okay, fair point. I'm a sucky friend." he said aloud.

Cas had closed his eyes. He sipped his coffee. Dean could see how hard he was trying not to think any other responses.

"It's fine." he said, "It's not your fault."

The rush of guilt was almost physically painful. Dean gripped the table with both hands to try to regain some control of his mind. He glanced around, glad that nobody had been looking in their direction. He tried to focus his thoughts, afraid that some unintended answer from his subconscious might make things worse.

He thought in words, as clearly as he could, "You did not do this. I don't blame you for any of it."

"If the talismans don't work ... " said Cas, almost inaudibly, opening his eyes.

"They'll work." said Dean, glad to be communicating outside his head.

"If they don't, I'll diminish my grace."

"And weaken yourself when we could face Michael at any time?"

"What other choice do we have?"

"Sam and Jack will find something else." said Dean, "Stop blaming yourself. Your guilt is more painful than mine. I can't think."

"Sorry." said Cas again.

"Sorry doesn't help. Think of stuff that doesn't hurt. Think of Sarah and her bees. Think of Jules. Think of ... " He realised he had come to the end of the list of things that didn't hurt. "Our lives are crap."

Cas forced a smile.

"Think of something good." said Dean.

"The past is not entirely full of good thoughts." said Cas.

"Then think about the future." said Dean, "Think about our road trip, or a beach."

Cas said nothing. Dean felt his sadness.

"Why?" he said, "Why don't you believe?"

"The war never ends." said Cas.

"You always talk as if we can win and we'll have all that stuff. How long ago did you lose faith in that?"

The sadness deepened. Dean felt his friend's despair.

"You never believed?" he said.

"I want to believe." said Cas.

"Why didn't you tell me before?"

"You needed me to believe." said Cas.

Dean thought about his options. Cas had every reason to doubt. Dean often assumed the only possible end to the fight was his own death. There was no easy way to convince Cas of something he did not believe himself.

"What do you believe in?" he said.

In his head and from Cas's lips, the answer was the same. "You."

"Then believe this. I give you my word, we will have that road trip. We will win this fight. We will be on a beach, you, me, Sam and Jack."

"You don't believe that." said Cas. Dean wondered whether he knew that or guessed it.

"Doesn't matter if I believe it." said Dean, "I've promised it. I'll make it true. You said you believe in me. Was that a lie?"

"You know it wasn't." said Cas.

"Yeah, but you still don't believe my word."

"Neither do you."

"So neither of us can think of anything good? That's pathetic." said Dean.

"There's always the party." said Cas.

Dean smiled. "The party will be great. Everyone is excited about it."

"Jules will be there." said Cas.

"We'll all be there. We'll all show you how much we love you. There will be presents and cards and Sam's gonna dance."

"You know I don't expect you to give me a present?" said Cas.

"You don't expect much of anything." said Dean, "Not from me, anyway."

"It's not like that." said Cas.

Dean knew he had to avoid that conversation. "Forget it. None of that matters today."

"I just don't want to ask too much of you. You've given so much to so many. I don't need anything."

"Well, I think you do." said Dean, "I think you need to know what you mean to all of us."

"You're the one whose opinion of me I have seen. I know what I mean to you." said Cas.

"You're getting a present." said Dean.

Cas smiled. "Eat your food. You said you were hungry."


	18. Chapter 18

Sam looked up as his mother came into the kitchen. "Hey, Mom." he said.

"Hello, Mary." said Jack.

"Hi, boys." she said, "Sam, I need your expertise." 

"If it's about hunting, you might want to ask Dean." he said.

"You know at least as much as he does." she said. She dropped a notebook onto the table. "These disappearances and a few recovered bodies all scream vamp nest to me. But since the British Men of Letters wiped out the nests and their networks, we've mainly seen lone vampires with not much idea what they're doing. I want you to take a look at this and let me know if you think they're starting to organise and spread again."

"Okay." said Sam, picking up the notebook, "You know, you could do this on a tablet."

"You're allergic to paper?" she said.

"No."

She saw the two little keys and picked them up. "What are these for?"

"Ah," said Sam, "You just officially joined the conspiracy. Don't tell Dean or Cas you saw those here."

"We need them to believe they are talismans we acquired elsewhere." said Jack.

"You're using them to give Dean and Castiel the illusion of control over their telepathy?"

"Yes." said Sam.

"Because you think it's a subconscious choice for one or both?"

"That's my current theory. Even if it isn't, they're both strong-willed."

"That's a nice way of putting it. Strong-willed as a couple of mules in a bad mood."

"If they believe they can control it, I think they can. We just have to fool them into believing it."

She smiled. "You have a devious side I hadn't suspected. I like it. I guess you need to be a little sneaky when you're dealing with Dean. I'm glad you're here to take care of your brother."

"My brother has been taking care of me for years." said Sam, "I owe him everything. Of course, if he ever suspects I'm lying to him about this, he'll probably kill me."

"I think he'd understand, but you can rely on me not to say anything." she said.

"I like it better with you involved." said Jack, "I never like it when we're keeping something from you."

"Like what?" she said.

"Like the books and Dean's Hellcation and all the stuff we have now told you." said Sam quickly.

"Liking your devious side a lot less now." she said.

"I promise, the main thing we asked Jack to keep quiet about was Dean and Cas going off to talk about Hell, because Dean didn't want you to know he ever went there or anything that happened there."

"It's true." said Jack.

"Castiel asked me to postpone reading the book tonight. He and Dean promised to read with me tomorrow."

"Cas and I are supposed to be reading with you." said Sam.

"They don't seem to think you should read this one." she said.

"Why not?" said Sam.

"It's called Born Under A Bad Sign if that helps."

"Okay. In that one, I got possessed by a demon and caused some chaos. No big deal." said Sam.

"I could read the books alone." she said.

Sam called Dean. Before Dean could speak, he said, "Hey, jerk, I'm reading that book with Mom."

"We agreed I'd take over." said Dean.

"You agreed to discuss it with Sarah."

"You think she'll disagree with me?" said Dean.

"Sam," said Mary, "We can argue about this another time."

"I'm reading the books with her." said Dean, "That's my decision and I'm older than you."

"And Mom's older than you." said Sam.

"Is she? She's been alive less time than I have." said Dean.

"Well, Sarah trumps all of us, so we'll talk to her." said Sam.

"I'm only agreeing to that because you're giving Cas a headache, but Sarah will agree with me. She always does."

"You mean you always end up agreeing with her." said Sam.

"Sam," said his mother, "Leave it for now."

"For Mom's sake and Cas's, we'll discuss this tomorrow." said Sam, "But we will discuss it."

"You work on getting those talismans." said Dean, "We can decide who gets to babysit Mom when we've fixed the problem."

"Mom has sharp hearing." she said into the phone, "Mom is perfectly happy to read the books herself, no babysitter required."

"I didn't mean that the way it sounded." said Dean.

"We'll have a proper family fight tomorrow." said Sam, "Or maybe Monday. I think we need those talismans first."

"Yeah, we need to get Cas out of the crossfire before we unleash the whole Winchester whoopfest." said Dean.

"Are you heading home soon?" said Sam.

"Yeah."

"And you're both okay?" said Sam.

"We can talk about that another time too." said Dean.

"You wanna talk?" said Sam, "You?"

"Not right now and not later." said Dean, "When we get back tonight, Cas is going to put me out for the night. He's been through enough. He's not gonna share my bad dreams."

"Has today been that bad?"

"Yeah, it's been pretty bad."

Sam felt terrible. "Sorry." he said, "If I'd known ... "

"What, you'd have found the talisman thing sooner? This isn't your fault, Sammy."

Jack was shaking his head, warning Sam not to screw up the whole plan by saying something stupid.

"Okay. Come home, get some rest. We think we can have the amulets by tomorrow night."

"Sam, I know you can fix this. Don't think I'm not grateful."

"I wish I could do it quicker." said Sam.

"We know you're doing it as fast as you can." said Dean.

"Yeah." said Sam, "I just want to help both of you."

"We know that too." said Dean.


	19. Chapter 19

When Dean and Cas returned to the bunker, late at night and looking tired, Sam followed them to Dean's room, trying to speak to either of them. Cas said nothing. Dean suddenly raised a hand like a shield and said, "I'm not talking. I'm not thinking. I'm going to my room and I'm checking out for the night. And I'll do the same tomorrow if this isn't fixed."

"Can't we just ... " Sam began.

"No." said Dean, "Cas will switch me off."

"I wish you wouldn't say it like that." said Cas, "It sounds fatal."

"Just think of it like a light." said Dean, "Lights don't die when you flip the switch down, they just stop shining where they shouldn't. Then people can get some rest."

"What happened that has you both so freaked?" said Sam.

"My head happened. It keeps happening and it's happening to Cas, who has quite enough dark stuff of his own to deal with." They were at Dean's door. He went in and threw himself onto the bed. "Do it, Cas. Kill the light."

Cas reached out and then stopped. "You're afraid."

"This part always makes me nervous." said Dean.

"No, not nervous, not uncomfortable, afraid." said Cas.

"Ignore it. I'm fine."

"Neither of you seems fine." said Sam.

"Shut up, Sam. It's this or a night of torture for Cas, maybe literally. You think Cas deserves that?" Dean looked at Cas. "Just do it. It's peace. It's oblivion. Right now, I would pay a lot for that. And Sam, just fix this as fast as you can."

Hesitantly, Cas reached out again and put him to sleep. He then fetched a chair, put it beside Dean's bed and sat down.

"What are you doing?" said Sam.

"I'm watching over Dean." said Cas.

"Dean's safe. You've stopped any dreams, good or bad and the bunker is secure. You should get some rest." 

"Angels don't rest." said Cas, sounding so tired that Sam wished he had the power to grant sleep to angels.

Sam sat on the bed. "Cas, what's wrong?"

"I can't talk about this to you."

"Why not?" said Sam, "You think I won't understand?"

"Sam, this is bad."

"We've been through bad together before. We've been through worse. You can tell me anything. Dean's out of it, he can't hear a thing. It's okay."

"It's not okay, Sam. I did this. I opened the link."

"No you didn't." said Sam, "It just happened."

"It didn't just happen. I did it." said Cas.

"How did you do it?"

"I don't know." said Cas.

"No, that's what I thought. If you'd consciously opened the link, you'd remember how you did it and you'd know how to reverse it. You're not to blame."

"Don't think I missed the word 'consciously' tucked in there." said Cas.

"If you did it unconsciously, it's not your fault." said Sam, "None of us, not even you, know all the powers and potentials of angels. Maybe something happened because of your powers and your need to be closer to Dean, but you didn't make it happen and neither I nor Dean will ever blame you for it. I also think maybe Dean's need to be closer to you was part of it."

"Dean hates every second of this."

"You said you did." said Sam.

"I hate what it does to Dean."

"And he hates what it does to you. Cas, it's not bad to enjoy a little mental intimacy. You think I'd feel bad if I had the ability to get past all the walls and talk to Dean without all the BS? It's not wrong to want that. It's not selfish to love someone."

"Dean would disagree. If you ever tell him about this ... "

"No, Cas, I won't. I wish you two would be honest with each other, but I will never tell him something you told me in confidence. I know what a minefield any relationship with Dean is. Hell, I've bounced off every mine there is. I don't wanna make it harder for either of you. I'm just trying to help."

"He said my guilt hurt worse than his. Can you imagine something worse than his guilt?"

Sam smiled. Cas had no idea how intense and painful his own feelings were in comparison to the human version. Cas had none of the emotional resilience humans acquired over a lifetime of pain and confusion. Angels were not designed to feel emotions, much less to be submerged in guilt because they felt they had crossed a line in some relationship with a human. It was both too small and too large a thing for the angel programming to deal with. It was human and it hurt and he was still so new to it all.

If Cas had told Dean all that he had just told Sam, Dean would have understood and he would have been more worried about Cas than any boundaries being broken. Sam understood, though, why Cas was mortally ... immortally afraid of saying anything. He and Dean each felt unworthy of the other's friendship and each had a dread of reminding the other of the imbalance and seeing the other shrug and walk away.

To Cas, Dean's near panic about the mind link was clearly based on anger that Cas was intruding, willingly or not, on his privacy. Sam saw it differently. Dean's rejection of the wards, because they treated Cas like an enemy to be repelled, his constant repetition of how much he hated the link and wanted it gone, for Cas, all of his reactions and declarations made clear that he felt Cas was suffering by being able to experience his unedited thoughts and feelings and he felt he was tormenting his friend. There was also guilt in Dean's reaction and Sam was sure it was very similar to Castiel's. Each felt bad because, at times, the link that was hurting their best friend felt so good.

But it was no good trying to explain any of that to Cas. Angels didn't rest, so he had no easy refuge from the distress that was shredding his nerves and torturing his being. All the understanding in the world could not persuade him of anything in this state. Cas needed kindness.

"Do you want me to stay with you?" said Sam.

"No, you need to sleep." said Cas, but his eyes showed gratitude for the offer.

"You don't need to stay here with him." said Sam.

"I do." said Cas, "There's nothing else I can do for him. I don't like stopping his dreams. He was beginning to work things out in his dreams."

"He said you saw one where he tortured you."

"At Sarah's place, she and I went into the dream with him. We were trying to help, but he couldn't let go of the guilt."

"Was it dream you or real you that got tortured?" said Sam.

"It was Dean." said Cas.


	20. Chapter 20

Dean opened his eyes and saw Sam holding a tray and Cas sitting beside the bed. "Good morning!" said Sam, looking freshly showered and irritatingly cheerful, "I brought you breakfast." He put the tray on the bed.

"Did you just get up?" said Dean, looking at the clock, which said 7:26.

"No, I hit the gym for an hour before breakfast."

"I hate you." said Dean, affectionately. He turned to Cas. "Please tell me you didn't sit there all night."

"Of course he did." said Sam. What did you think he was going to do? You made him incapacitate you, so he felt he had to watch over you."

"I've told you before, Cas, it doesn't look good, for either of us." said Dean.

"I'll go." said Cas. He stood to leave.

"Wait." said Dean, "I'm sorry."

"You two have had a difficult time." said Sam, "Don't let the tensions get to you now, when the end's in sight. You're in this together. On the subject of togetherness, Dean, you've been outmanoeuvred."

"Oh?" said Dean.

"Sarah called this morning. She asked Mom to canvass opinion on what kind of dance we need to have. The majority, a landslide actually, was for a hoedown. She said, 'Tell your brother, he can wear his cowboy hat.'"

"How does she even know I have a cowboy hat?" said Dean.

Cas spoke, hesitantly and quietly. "I've been talking to her about you for several years. Clearly, she was listening."

"I'll wear the full cowboy," he said, looking at Cas, "If you lose the coat."

Cas instantly tensed, his back rigid.

"Yeah, straight into panic mode." said Dean, "What is it with you and the damn coat?"

"Dean, don't." said Sam.

Dean looked at him, wondering what he and Cas had talked about. It was obvious that Sam considered Cas to be in vulnerable state. "Wear the coat." he said, "It's your birthday."

"You don't like my coat?" said Cas.

Dean smiled. "I love the coat. It's a great coat. I'm sorry. I just ... I'd love to see you feel comfortable enough to take off the armour."

"It's not armour." said Cas.

"Sometimes it feels like it." said Dean, "Forget I said anything. We all have our comfort zones and I'm not leaving mine any time soon. I still have no intention of dancing, but I'll wear whatever Sarah wants me to."

"I should find Jack." said Cas.

"Are we okay?" said Dean.

Cas gave a small smile. "Of course we are."

"Cas, if anything from my head drifts into yours, you come back here and put me out." said Dean.

"I don't want to do that." said Cas.

"Sam and Jack will end this. I know they will. We just have to get through a few more hours and if I need to spend those hours unconscious, I'm fine with that."

"Mary needs your help with the angel blade." said Cas.

"Well, that should distract me enough." said Dean, "But I mean it. Whatever you need to get through this."

"I thought I might drive over to Sarah's place, spend some time meditating with the bees."

"Be back here this afternoon." said Sam, "We hope to have the talismans by then."

Cas nodded.

"Cas," said Dean, "Distance doesn't help."

"No, but the bees do. Sarah does."

"You don't just want to put me out of the way?"

"I just want to leave you in peace." said Cas.

"I'll say it again, this is not your fault."

"It's okay." said Cas. He left.

Dean sighed. "I've never seen him like this before."

"This has been hard on both of you." said Sam.

"We need to have that road trip or something for Cas. There has to be some kind of pay-off for years of loyalty and sacrifice. Some good stuff has to come from his association with us. All he and I could come up with was the party."

"Wow. You went deep."

"We didn't get much choice."

"You should eat." said Sam.

"I'm really not hungry." said Dean, "He doesn't believe in any of it." 

"Any of what?"

"The road trip, the future, anything. He has no faith in anything anymore."

"In anything?" said Sam.

"Well, he still believes in us, but he's not sure we can win."

"Maybe he's not sure you want to. Sometimes, all that fatalistic crap you say makes it sound like you don't care."

"Fatalistic crap? I never say any fatalistic crap."

"You know you replaced God in his eyes, right?"

"No, I wouldn't go that far." said Dean, worried that Sam might be right.

"He believes in you and that's great. I do too, but sometimes you don't. We're pretty undemanding as followers, but it's hard to have unshakable faith in a messiah who has no faith in himself."

"Pick a better messiah." said Dean.

Sam smiled. "In all my life, I never found a better one." He sat in the chair. "You're worried that he doesn't believe in the road trip. Do you? Do you really think there will be an end to all this that leaves either of us alive?"

"You're in a morbid mood, this morning."

"How many times have you told me this ends bloody?" said Sam, "You think he doesn't hear you? If you want him to believe ... if you want either of us to believe, you need to cut the crap and find some hope."

"You're looking in the wrong place. Ask Cas. My head is full of poison. I'm trying to hold it in and I still cause him nothing but pain and despair. Yesterday, I felt his guilt. The weight of it, the sharpness ... have you ever thought of what happens to feelings that are never expressed, never set aside for sleep, never tempered with any kind of explanation or excuse? None of the tortures I went through in Hell came close to what he is doing to himself every day."

"Then we need to help him."

"Yes." said Dean, "And I mentioned the damn coat and made things worse."

"The talismans will help, but even then, you'll need to wear them to gain the benefits and there are deeper problems than the link. I know he's messed up. He was never intended to feel this much. He was never intended for personal responsibility. Maybe only you can get what he's going through. Your guilt is also out of all proportion."

"What, and you're the normal one?" said Dean.

"No, I've been running on crazy for years, but no-one does crazy like me. I make crazy my bitch."

"Yeah, you do." said Dean.

"We'll fix this, all of it." said Sam, "My job is to make you both believe."

"You spoke as if you don't believe." said Dean.

"I doubt everything, sometimes." said Sam, "Except this brother of mine. In the end, I know Dean Winchester can do anything."

"Dean Winchester doesn't." said Dean.

"It's part of his charm, a really frustrating part, but at least it gives me a purpose. However this ends, it ends with the three of us together."

"That may not be a good thing. We might all end up dead."

"Death is always negotiable." said Sam.


	21. Chapter 21

Cas found Jack in the kitchen, washing some cups. "You're going with Sam to try to get those talismans?" he said.

"Yes." said Jack.

"Tell me honestly, do you think they will work?"

Jack looked thoughtful. "Yes, I think they will."

"But if they don't, you have those wards somewhere safe?"

"No, Dean said he wouldn't use them. But I can make new ones any time you need them. I have the tiles. I know what to draw."

"Good. They are Plan B. C involves some loss of grace."

"Powering down when we need you against Michael?"

"That's why it's Plan C."

"Is there a D?" said Jack.

"Exile."

"Who gets exiled and where? Distance doesn't break the connection?"

"Heaven could conceivably shut down the link forever. Certainly, it will be easier to control it there." said Cas.

"You don't want to go there. You'd hate that." said Jack.

"It's a long way down the list. The talismans should work. If they don't and I have to leave, you'll need to watch over the Winchesters."

Jack nodded. "I will. You know I will. Just please don't go. I need you."

"With luck, there won't be any need. Now, do you need me to teach you to dance?"

"No, I'm learning from online videos. I don't want to learn too well. I think people like me better when I don't do things too well and if Dean really can't dance, he won't be the only one."

Cas smiled. "You're a lot better with people than I ever was. Being half-human must help."

"Being half-archangel must be good for something. Maybe I could close the link or shield your minds or something."

"It's possible." said Cas, "We really have no idea what your powers are."

"I've asked everyone to drink moderately at the party. Sarah lost her son to a drunk driver. I think anyone getting drunk might spoil the party for her." said Jack.

"Well done." said Cas, "I'm taking my car and going to her place now. I need to focus my mind on some bees."

"I can come with you, if you want." said Jack.

"No. Getting those talismans is far more important."

"Dean might go with you. I thought you were supposed to be sticking together."

"Dean wants me to knock him out. He doesn't want me around, sucking up his thoughts."

"You can't knock him out." said Jack, "Mary needs his help."

"I'm not going to. It's not good for him. The bees will keep me focused away from Dean."

"What do the bees actually do?" said Jack.

"They don't do anything, they just are. They be."

"Bees be?" said Jack, smiling.

"It's one of their best qualities. And they never obsess over what you're wearing or get disappointed because you don't know the difference between a carburettor and whatever that thing is that isn't a carburettor but could be."

"I don't even know anything that isn't one that looks like one." said Jack.

"I take off this coat all the time." said Cas.

"Okay. I never asked, but okay."

"He called it armour. I wish it had some protective capabilities."

"He may have meant that figuratively." suggested Jack.

"In this coat, I have been stabbed, sliced, shot ... "

"You might be taking the metaphor a little too literally." said Jack.

"It's not like I hide behind the coat."

"No. It's just like a uniform you wear, so people know who you are." said Jack, "And I think we'd find it pretty weird if you just appeared one day in Bermuda shorts and a tank top."

"I don't get why he has a problem with the coat." said Cas.

"Are you sure he does? Because he's never mentioned it." said Jack.

"There's something else. Last night, he was afraid. He pretended it was nothing, but it was real, cold fear."

"Of you?" said Jack.

"I don't know."

"There's all kinds of crud in his head. It could be old fears, falling into the mind link and seeming new to you. Talk to him about it after the link is shut down."

Sam came into the kitchen, waving the keys to the Impala. "We have the car." he said to Jack.

"Dean must really want those talismans." said Jack.

"Yeah. Of course, one scratch and we're both in trouble, but at least we should get there and back fairly quickly."

"Let me know as soon as you have the talismans." said Cas, "I will head straight back."

"I will." said Sam, "You give Sarah a hug from me. Tell her Dean will wear whatever she wants him to."

"Did he eat anything?" said Cas.

"Not yet. That won't last. He's fine."

"Mary will take care of him." said Cas, wishing he felt more certain that anyone could.

"Just go and do what you need to do." said Sam, "I promise, Jack and I will get those talismans and everything will be fine."

"Does Dean hate my coat?" said Cas.

Sam grinned. "No, Dean just wants you to be happy. He wants you to enjoy the party."

"Which I can't do fully dressed?" said Cas.

"He just thinks everyone is happier dressed as a cowboy. You get used to it." said Sam.

"This trip to get the talismans, is there any risk?" said Cas.

"None at all." said Sam.

"Well, be careful anyway." said Cas.

"We'll fix this." said Sam, "You'll both be okay. Jack, are you ready?"

"Ready!" said Jack. They headed of to the garage. 

Cas sent a text to Sarah, "Need bees."

Her reply was swift and simple, "My home is yours."


	22. Chapter 22

Dean texted his mother to meet him in the armoury. By the time he got there with his angel blade, she was waiting for him. She had a cassette player with her.

"You wanna do this to music?" he said.

"It works best that way." she said, "Put the blade down. You won't need it."

"Kinda hard to practice without it." he said.

"Change of plan. We're going to dance." she said.

"No, we're not." he said.

She took the blade from his hand and put it on a shelf. "No Campbell has ever danced badly in public."

"Then you have a big incentive to stop me from ever dancing." he said, "Although, I am not a Campbell."

"Oh, Dean, you are such a Campbell." she said, "Come on, you should know how to dance. You might even have fun."

"I know how to dance, I just choose not to." he said.

"Well, choose differently. It's for your angel's birthday."

"Don't call him that." said Dean, wishing people would stop seeing Cas that way.

"Sorry. Don't you think of him like that?"

"Of course I don't. He's not my angel. He's not my anything. He's Cas."

"Your guardian, guide, protector, defender, best friend ... "

"Cas." said Dean.

"Okay. Well, it's for Cas."

"He doesn't care whether I dance or not."

"Then do it for me. We used to dance a lot."

"The Campbells?"

"You and me." she said.

He looked into her eyes. They didn't often discuss his childhood, mainly because it seemed cruel to bring it up in front of Sam, who had no memories of the brief time when he had been safely in his mother's arms. He did vaguely remember dancing with her, holding her hands, loving her laugh as much as the music, happy that she was happy.

"I don't dance." he said.

"Because you can't." she said.

"Yeah, fine, I can't." he said.

"I can teach you."

"No thanks." he said.

"You don't think you'll be able to learn?"

That irritated him. "I can dance, okay!"

"Prove it." she said with a smile.

He was going to refuse, but he thought of Cas, heading out to Ionia to stare at bees because he didn't want Dean's thoughts in his head. Maybe he owed it to Cas to try to distract his mind.

"Okay, I'll dance here, with you. Doesn't mean anyone will see me dance at the party."

She nodded. "You might want to dance, once you get back into it, but that's up to you."

"I may be a little rusty. It's been a while." he said.

"Sam's pretty good." she said.

"Well, I think I can beat Sam." he said.

For the first twenty seconds, he managed to maintain an air of mild annoyance, but it didn't last. He found it oddly easy to get back into the rhythm of dancing and his mother was a good dancer, full of energy and fun, fast on her feet. She still laughed the same way too and her happiness still made him smile.

He was dancing for her, because she wanted to dance. In the back of his mind, his four year old self was cheering him on, loving the fact that he could still make her laugh like that, could still fill her life with joy.

Something else in his mind, something dark and cold, told him not to be too happy, not to dare to think he had a right to fun and freedom. He thought about what Cas had said, talking about Sarah and her ideas about avoidance of joy. He hated to think that she could see so clearly into the shadows in his psyche.

Sarah understood him far too well. He'd try his usual lines to convince her all was well and she'd just give him a look as if she pitied him for thinking that would work. She had known too many wounded souls, seen too many of their defensive tactics and she was not fooled by his.

Part of him was glad of that. Not far from that four year old, dazzled by his beautiful, funny, wonderful Mom was the six year old, who had buried his face in the pillow to cry himself to sleep, trying not to let his father or brother hear his pain. That little boy, hidden in a mind that was no place for a child, felt the words and hugs of the kindly old lady and stopped cowering in the dark. Wounds made so long ago, untended for so long, healed when she was near. He hadn't known how much he craved affection until that gentle old woman had offered him her unconditional love.

His mother was glowing, an optical illusion caused by the lights in the room and the tears in his eyes. Sarah was not the only one who loved him unconditionally. He kept telling himself not to come to depend on his mother being around, because she might not stay, but it was hopeless. He needed her. He would always need her. He couldn't love her less and protect himself from pain. His love for her was as absolute and all-consuming as it had been when he was four. "I love you, Mom." he said.

Her answering smile was beautiful. "I love you too, Dean." she said.


	23. Chapter 23

Buying two silver chains did not take long and after that, Sam drove to the Frank Walker Museum in Stockton. He and Jack shared a love of museums and it had the added advantage that even if Jack did let slip that he had been there, at the word "museum", Dean's eyes would glaze over and all curiosity would cease.

Jack's curiosity was limitless and there was no exhibit that didn't fascinate him. He looked at the medical equipment from the 1900s and compared it to the only slightly more recent versions they had in the bunker. He read old articles and obituaries and gazed at photographs of people long dead as if he longed to get to know them all.

"I found a photo for Cas, for his birthday." he said, "It took some searching, but I found her."

"Found who?" said Sam.

"His first vessel. He said he had nothing to remember her by. I looked online and there was a photograph of her. I bought it and framed it. It's small, but I think he'll like it."

"That's a really thoughtful gift." said Sam.

Jack smiled.

"You want some sugary junk food?"

"I blame Dean." said Jack, "But yes, I really do."

As Jack drank his soda, Sam checked the time. "We shouldn't go back too soon, although I feel bad making them wait this long. Things were bad yesterday. I never thought they would suffer so much."

"And you think we should have given them an instant fix?"

"I do wonder whether it might have been better." said Sam.

"Stop wondering." said Jack, "Dean would never have believed in it. He would have worked the whole thing out and then we'd never stand a chance. Cas is seriously considering leaving if there's no other way to stop the link."

"There's nowhere he could go where it wouldn't still be active." said Sam.

"He thinks Heaven could block the signal."

"After everything Heaven has done to him, he'd willingly put himself back in their power?" said Sam.

"I think it was the fourth option on a bad list." said Jack, "What worries me is what comes after that. I don't think there's anything he wouldn't do to end this. Plan B is removing his own grace. That's never been a good idea. Plan E could be suicide."

"Then our plan really has to work." said Sam, "Dean is just as bad. He wants Cas to switch him off every night, so he can have no dreams."

"If I had what they have, with either of them or with you, I'd just spend all day talking to them in my head." said Jack.

"You might feel differently if it gave them access to every thought in your head."

"I generally say whatever's in my head anyway." said Jack, "So it's not like it would be a big revelation to anyone."

"I guess that's the advantage of sincerity." said Sam.

"But there are advantages to artifice too." said Jack, "If we can trick them, we save them both from whatever stupid plans are forming in their minds. So we just need to time it right, present it properly and convince them and it will all have been worth it."

"You're right. I just hate knowing they are both going through so much."

"It could still be good. It hurts them now, but maybe it's bringing up stuff they need to deal with."

"I'm sure it is. Cas didn't detect the energy from the keys when you were talking?"

Jack took a small box from his pocket and put it on the table. "Warded against angels."

"Clever."

"Also filled with some frankincense and sandalwood. I figure a vague smell of incense might make them believe these keys spent some time around magical workings." said Jack.

"You're remarkably good at this." said Sam.

"We only get one shot. We have to make this work. Heaven would tear him apart."

"Ditch the box before we leave. Its existence could raise questions." said Sam.

"Good point. We make a great team." said Jack.

"We have to. We're up against a great team and we only have two advantages, their absolute faith in you and the fact that their minds are blitzed. We're relying on Dean Winchester not questioning anything."

"Put like that, it does sound hopeless."

"But Dean is distracted. I don't think I've ever seen him more distracted. I hate taking advantage of that."

"We're doing it for Dean." said Jack.

"I know. It doesn't make lying to him easier."

"I hate that part too," said Jack, "But we know he'd do the same for us."

"Yes and this is not a Gadreel level deception, close, but not there. Our family, Jack, we'll twist and turn any way we have to to save each other."

"And as long as that's the motive, it's justifiable, right?"

"That's what I tell myself. And, as you say, Dean would do the same to us. I just hope it works."

"I think we can make it work." said Jack, "And if we do, Cas and Dean can relax and so can we."


	24. Chapter 24

By the time Cas had left his car, Sarah was coming down the path towards him. He had never been able to hide his feelings from her and she took one look at his face and pulled him into a hug. He clung to her, knowing that angels did not need hugs, but feeling a powerful need for that one.

"You look terrible." she said, stepping back, "What's happened?"

"The mind curse is getting worse." he said, "And I probably caused it. Dean is getting desperate to find ways to keep me out of his head and Sam and Jack think they have a solution using talismans made by someone called Rhydian. If he's some kind of alchemist or sorceror, I have never heard of him."

"Have you met a lot of that kind?" she asked.

"No." he said.

"Then you shouldn't worry about the name not being known to you. Sam and Jack know where to find all those things. Do they think there's a good chance of success?"

"Yes, they seem very hopeful." said Cas.

"You seem very lost and sad. Do you want to come and talk about it?"

"No. I need focus. I need to concentrate on the bees for a while. It's not that I don't want to talk to you, it's just that I am hearing music right now and feeling ... " He stopped talking. What was he feeling? 

"Castiel?" said Sarah. She took his arm. "My dear, what is it?"

"Dean's happy." said Cas. He smiled. "He's laughing. He's genuinely happy."

"That's good, isn't it?"

"It's wonderful," he said, "But I have no right to witness it. I need to stop this. I need to meditate. I need the bees."

"They'll be glad to help." she said.

"It's just so hard to turn away from this."

"Of course it is." she said.

"And if the talismans work, this will be the last time."

"When you said you might have caused this, did you mean because you want it?" she asked.

Cas closed his eyes. He was still feeling Dean's sudden happiness and wanted to stay in that feeling, but it was wrong, intrusive and voyeuristic. He opened his eyes and ran around the side of the house. 

As soon as he got around the corner, the bees started to gather. He closed his eyes again and wandered slowly, feeling their buzzing going through and around him, fixing his mind on that sound and making himself relinquish his hold on the feelings that were not his. He felt their loss. It hurt to let them go, even more so when he knew the link should soon be closed forever. His mind was reeling. 

For a moment, losing Dean's emotions felt like losing Dean. He knew he could get them back. He only had to turn his attention back there. Forcing himself to turn away instead, to anchor his consciousness in the music of the bees, was intensely painful, but then it was done and his mind was clear of external influence and he sunk thankfully into the pure, golden energy of the combsmiths.

The bees, as always, seemed aware of his pain. They surrounded him with their powerful vibrations, giving him strength and confidence, even as they granted him that focus. Peace flooded his being. He felt safe, as he always did around the bees. They wanted nothing from him. They had no rules for him to break, no rules that could break him. Their love for him was simple, uncomplicated and offered freely. He and they had the same purpose, to turn light into goodness, to store and protect what mattered.

All names, every one of them, even his own, fell away for a moment. Past and future were meaningless. There was only his place in the work and the gentle support of these fellow labourers. He walked in circles, eyes closed, but not feeling at all limited by the lack of vision. They called to him, guiding him, soothing him.

Then the names and words and thoughts that meant something to him returned, slowly and gently. He was Castiel. Sarah was watching somewhere off to the side. Dean, somewhere else, might still be happy, but that was not for him to share. He had some of his cool, angelic detachment back. 

He opened his eyes and looked across to Sarah, who was watching him with tears in her eyes. "I'm sorry." he said, "I didn't mean to be so abrupt."

"I understand." she said, "You seemed lost and sad. You needed some time with the girls. Are you feeling better now?"

"More ordered." he said, "I'm more in control."

"You really don't want to end the mind link, do you, dear?"

"This just makes it very clear that I have to. It was by choice that I stayed with his thoughts."

"You found him happy. Of course you wanted to linger in that."

"Yes, it's a perfectly natural and utterly selfish desire. I just hope he remained unaware of the intrusion."

She came over and took his hands in hers. "The need of one soul for another is not something you have to explain or excuse." she said, "Dean is your brother, as much as Sam is his."

"Sarah," he said, "Your tolerance for the whining of an angel who is wholly responsible for his own troubles has always been immense. Sam will soon call and I will have to go back and act as if I want the talisman that will sever my mind from Dean's. I can do that. I will do that. But it would help a lot if I could just spend the intervening time talking to someone who can be trusted with the terrible truth, that I would give almost anything not to be healed of this curse."

"In this house, my dear, you can be honest without fear. I'll never judge you."

"And never, ever tell Dean I didn't hate the curse as much as he did?"

"I think, to be honest, you hate it exactly as much as he does." she said, "But he won't hear anything about it from me. You two can sort that out for yourselves." She started to draw him towards the house. "Let's talk now, Castiel."

"I'd like that." he said.


	25. Chapter 25

"Turns out, you can dance." Mary said as the B side of the tape ended.

"I told you so." said Dean.

"But you still don't intend to dance at your friend's birthday party?"

"Still don't." he said, "I'll watch the others dance, though."

"Well, that sounds easy."

"Easy is my favourite thing." he said.

"You really enjoyed dancing." she said.

"Yes, I did and it was a good distraction. No angel voice in my head. Thanks for that." He smiled at her, wishing he could sound less arrogant and less dismissive. "It was fun. It brought back good memories."

"For me too." she said, "I've missed this side of you. Good to know it's still there, under all the masks."

"There are no masks for you." he said. They looked at each other and she raised an eyebrow at the obvious lie. "I'm trying." he said, "It's not easy to change the habits of a lifetime."

"I know. We'll get there." she said.

He looked at his watch. Masks or not, she read his mind. "Sam'll call soon."

"Yeah." he said.

"Castiel is with Sarah. I'm sure he's fine."

"I hope so. I'd call and check on him, but he had a good reason to get away from me."

"I don't think he wants to get away from you." she said, "He ran to Sarah and the bees, not away from you. You blame yourself for all of this, but none of it is your fault. He knows that too."

"I know he doesn't blame me. I think maybe he should, but he doesn't. I've always thought of my mind as being under my control, strong and rational, but now I know it isn't. I can't stop my thoughts from spilling into his mind. I can't stop stealing his feelings. I have no control over this mess. I can't even stop myself crying out to him. I should be able to shut this down. I can't."

"In a few hours, you'll have a talisman to do that for you."

"It has to work. If it doesn't, I know he'll do something stupid. Loss of grace is dangerous to angels. He knows he's risking everything if he removes any of his own, but that's what he's considering as a solution. Think how dark my thoughts must be to him if he'd risk destruction to avoid sharing them."

"Speaking as someone who wishes I could share your thoughts, I think it's more that he wants to protect you." she said, "He knows you don't want him eavesdropping and I think he'll do whatever it takes to stop himself from doing it. When has he ever acted to protect himself?"

"That's even worse, if he'll do crazy things just because he thinks I want him to. Maybe the other angels were right about me. I kinda ruined his whole life from the day he met me."

"What whole life was that? Blindly taking orders from corrupt cloud pilots? He had no life until you came along and taught him to make his own decisions."

"Yeah, that hasn't worked out great for him." said Dean.

"Have you decided what to get him for his birthday, yet?" she asked.

"I have, but I can't talk or think about it while we're sharing a brain. If the talismans work, I'll get it tomorrow. It's just a small thing, really. A stupid thing. A hunter thing."

"It's something he'll love." she said.

"I hope he will. There's really nothing he wants. That makes finding presents hard. Has he said anything to you about Jules?"

She smiled. "He has, actually. He's really sweet on her, isn't he?"

"I think so. He keeps mentioning her. And he was saying a party is a good opportunity to get closer to people. She could be so good for him. He needs happiness. He needs a life of his own. He spends far too much time hanging around me like I need 24 hour angel protection."

"Are you saying you don't?" she said.

He grinned. "No, I probably do, but I want him to be free. I want him to find other ways to spend his time. He and Jules could be great together."

"He hasn't had a lot of experience with women, has he?" she said.

"No and most of the experiences have been bad. But that's good, in a way. The bar is very low. Jules could be the best thing that ever happened to him just by not stabbing him after sex."

"That really is bad." 

"He makes my relationships look successful. But it'll change. He'll find someone and he'll make it work and then I can stop worrying about him."

"I don't think you'll ever stop worrying about him." she said.

"Maybe not, but at least I'll have no reason. I just need him to stay here and to stay him and not to do something drastic and permanent just because he hates being in my head." He saw her expression and added, "Or because he thinks I hate him being there. Those Keys of Rhydian have to work. They have to."

"Sam told me a little of the stuff he turned up in research." she said, "They sound like exactly what you need. Your brother has a real talent for finding these things."

"He does. Somehow, he always comes through for me. And Jack worked on it too. If they both say it'll work, it'll work. It'll set Cas free of the whole tangled mess."

"And you too." she said.

"Yeah, but Cas is the priority. This thing is destroying him. I can live with it."


	26. Chapter 26

The Impala was going a little too fast with the music much too loud and two Winchesters were enjoying every moment, but neither of them was Dean and Sam was very aware that, if he did anything to the car or got her the wrong kind of attention, Dean would be pissed.

"How much longer?" said Jack.

Sam thought about it. It seemed reasonable that they might have the talismans by now, but he didn't want to rush anything. The timing had to be perfect. Dean must have no reason to start doubting the story, because one doubt would be enough to sink the whole plan.

"Another half hour." he said.

"I'm so scared I'm going to be the one who gets this wrong and ruins the whole thing." said Jack.

Sam smiled at him. "If this doesn't work, we'll find something else. I promise, we won't let Cas leave. But if it goes wrong, it won't be because of you, okay?"

"I am the worst liar." said Jack.

"But you're not lying. I am. All you need to do is say you think it will work."

"I said that to Castiel. He believed me, I think."

"Of course he did." said Sam, "You were telling the truth and he could tell."

"Whatever happens, thanks for trusting me." said Jack.

"There's nobody I trust more." said Sam.

"Even Dean?"

"Especially not Dean." he said.

Jack laughed.

"You know," said Sam, "We could just give them a chance to use the link once more before it goes, to just willingly engage with it and clear up all the misunderstandings in one, perfectly honest merging of minds."

"Sounds good, but they'd both rather die." said Jack.

"Yes, I'm afraid they probably would. Maybe we can get them to consider removing the talismans later, when they both feel less vulnerable. If they'd just stop lying to each other, life would be so much easier."

"Yeah, Sam, neither of them ever picks the easy path."

"I know."

Jack put the two keys on their chains. He held them in his hand again and a faint golden glow showed he was adding traces of his energy again. "These are ready." he said, "The first time Castiel touches one will be the real test. He might instantly know there is nothing but glamoury on it."

"I'd hardly call archangel energy glamoury." said Sam.

"I wish I had the power to give them real control."

"This will be real enough." said Sam, "With the slightest encouragement, they will take control for themselves. I'm sure they control this thing without knowing it."

"Don't tell them that. They already both blame themselves."

"Yes, they do. Guilt comes naturally to both of them."

"It's lucky you're immune." said Jack, with more than a trace of sarcasm in his tone.

"Hey, I earned my guilt. They invent theirs." said Sam, "I started the frickin' apocalypse and I'm the reason Dean went to Hell."

"And Dean's the reason Cas fell and Cas is the reason Heaven foundered."

"Watch it, kid." said Sam, "I'm nothing like those two. If anything, I take too little responsibility for my mistakes.

"Are you going to dance at the party?" said Jack.

"Yeah. We all need some fun. Watching me try to untangle my legs will give everyone a laugh."

"What about Dean?"

"Depends how he's asked and by whom and how much alcohol he's consumed. Enough whisky and he'll do almost anything."

"I don't think I'll be very good at dancing," said Jack, "But I think it's likely to be fun anyway. I don't get why Dean wants to be left out of it."

"Dean's very complicated." said Sam, "And with all the offworlders around, pretty self-conscious. Don't worry. By the time we get to your birthday party, he'll be happy to dance with all of us watching."

"I'm not sure everyone will come to a party for me." said Jack.

"Of course they will. Trust me. Yours will be great."

"Haven't you ever celebrated birthdays before?"

"Here and there." said Sam, "But Sarah's right. We should be celebrating. Things get negative very fast and we're so wrapped up in the dark stuff, we forget there's lighter stuff to enjoy. Dean and I spend too much time in our own heads. Cas too. It's not good for us and it's not something I want you to emulate. Life's short for our kind, but that's no reason not to live it to the full and you're immortal, so you have no excuse."

"Don't worry. I plan to live well." said Jack.

"Good. You deserve a good life. Hopefully, Dean will make the effort because of you. Then he gets the life he deserves too."

"When do you get what you deserve?" said Jack.

"I'm hoping never. The only thing I want is my family. If you and Dean and Cas and Mom are fine, I have everything I will ever need."

"Have you ever thought about the fact that I'm more powerful than Lucifer?" said Jack.

"It's crossed my mind." said Sam.

"Maybe my powers can give you all everything you ever need. Maybe you should all aim higher."

"Jack, we don't think of you as a way of manifesting what we want. You're family to us. You don't have to give us a thing, now or in the future."

"You're the reason I'm here, Sam. You ever need anything, you tell me and I'll find a way to do it." said Jack.

"Do you love us, Jack?" said Sam, "Do you consider us your family?"

"Of course I do." said Jack.

"Well, that's a better gift than anything else you could give us."

"You deserve a lot more than that." said Jack.

"There is nothing more than that." said Sam.


	27. Chapter 27

Sarah and Castiel sat opposite each other in the parlour, drinking mugs of tea. Cas felt a lot better just being with someone who understood his fears and the deeply hidden longing for connection and family.

He'd spoken in general terms at first, telling her how hard it was to pretend that all was well, when he felt as if his whole existence was held together by spider webs. As she nodded and smiled her understanding, he found the courage to get specific.

"That Dean hates it should be reason enough for me to put a spike through my brain if necessary to kill the link, but however hard I try to convince myself it's a terrible thing, there's a part of me that feels like I'll die if it ends. And I know how selfish that sounds."

"You were alone for countless years, Castiel, of course you crave company now."

"I counted every second." he said, "Every second, every electron, every spark of light. Human minds, they're beautiful, even in the dark places. Do you know that Dean's mind has a tapestry of light and shade that would grace any cathedral? You love him from what you have seen. If you saw him as I have seen him, you would worship him. I've seen the sacrificial courage of his love for this world and the visceral pain of his shame and I have seen the light of his laughter and smelt the incense of his grief and I can never tell him any of that, because it would only cause him suffering and humiliation."

"Oh, my dear, I don't know how you've ever voluntarily stopped a connection that means so much to you."

"You'd know if you'd seen the look in his eyes. It takes all of his strength not to hate me and he only tries not to hate me because he believes I never wanted this. I never consciously made this happen, but I wanted it."

"That's understandable." she said.

"Understandable, but not justifiable. I have no right. What am I that I should invade his soul?"

"His brother." said Sarah.

"Sam doesn't get to wander through Dean's innermost self." said Cas, "Everything about this is wrong. I have done some terrible things, but to enjoy any part of this is the worst sin of my long and fallen life."

"Love is not a sin. Love is the one pure, perfect thing."

"How is it love to hurt him? He wanted me to knock him out so no part of his thoughts could be violated. If I had more self-control, my mind would already be closed to his thoughts. He was afraid to dream in case I spied on his dreams."

"That sounds unlikely." she said, "Dean has never said anything like that to me. All he talks about is protecting you. The darkness inside isn't beautiful to him, it's corrupt and shameful and he's very aware that you can be vulnerable in ways a human would not. My instinct is that he wants to keep you out of what he sees as a toxic waste dump."

"He lives in it." said Cas.

"He thinks he deserves to, my dear."

"He doesn't." he said, the only thing he could be absolutely certain was true.

"No, he doesn't."

"Sarah, could I ask you something truly frivolous?" said Cas.

"You could, but you never have."

"What should I wear for the party?" he said.

"Oh. Does that mean you intend to dress differently?" she said, sounding hopeful.

"Dean thinks I should." he said.

"I'm sure he has good intentions," she said, "But it's your party. It's what you want that matters."

"He wants me not to wear this coat." he said.

"How do you feel about that?" she asked.

"I don't know." he said, "It troubles me that the coat might offend him. I'm not sure how. It's just a garment and I am not troubled by some of the strange things he wears. He called it armour. I don't understand why."

"Isn't there a little truth in that?" she said.

"Fetch a knife. Stab me. The coat will barely slow it down."

She smiled her patient smile and said, "Emotional armour. You feel more comfortable in the coat, safer."

He considered it for a moment and then nodded uncertainly.

"It's hard for us to express these concepts to angels." she said, "Dean and I can understand why it matters, but you don't have the cultural grounding. How can I put this? We have thousands of years of multiply coded social cow patties, because humans never say the thing they really want to say. So to Dean, that coat feels like a symbol of distrust, distance and fortification. To you, it just makes you feel safe in the midst of a world you have no chance of understanding."

"The lack of understanding is certainly true." said Cas.

"Dean knows you need the coat, so he doesn't say anything, but maybe he thinks, at a party set up to celebrate you, you could put it aside as an act of faith. He wants you to open up to the people around you, to trust them not to do you harm."

"The coat really would not prevent any of them from trying to harm me unless they were very easily discouraged."

"Humans and metaphor, Castiel. We've gone over this many times."

"So, in his eyes, my coat is a barrier against them?"

"Yes. And he's just asking if you can let it go for one night. But if you can't, nobody will think less of you and if Dean has a problem with it, he and I will be having a little chat."

"I really have no idea what else to wear." said Cas.

"But you would like to try something else?"

"I think I would. I feel uneasy just considering it, but sometimes, feeling uneasy just means that something is important."

"You're learning." she said.

"I have some very good and patient teachers." he said, "I would like to surprise Dean by losing the armour. I know he says these things out of concern. And perhaps it will, in a small way, make up for some of the intrusions into his mind."

"None of which were your fault." she said.

"Maybe not intentionally, but I still feel responsible." he said.

"My husband had a similar build. I think we can find something for you." she said, "And you should wear a hat. Very useful piece of clothing, a hat. Pretty good to hide behind if you need to."

"You're a good friend." he said.

"So is Dean. Always remember that. Dean would die for you. Never assume he's driven by anger. He just has a very angry way of showing love."


	28. Chapter 28

After a long shower, Dean went to his room and locked the door. He checked his phone, but neither Sam nor Cas had sent any messages or calls his way. He began to write a text.

"Cas, u ok?" He deleted it. The answer would be "Yes." and it would be a lie. He tried again. "Not long now. Soon be over. Sorry for everything." He almost sent it, then stopped himself. It sounded like a suicide note. He wondered why it was so difficult to just talk to Cas, face to face, over the phone, in prayer or in texts, he always ended up overthinking it or underthinking it and either way, it went wrong.

He decided to try to use the link one last time. He concentrated on Cas and on how sorry he was. He felt the brush of mind against mind but then, instantly, Cas's mind seemed to flinch and flee the connection. He instantly stopped the attempt.

He had to be careful. They were one short step from shutting it down and it would be disastrous if the communication that ended their friendship happened hours before they were able to do that.

Trying had been stupid and selfish. Why had he imagined for a moment that he could make his thoughts comfortable for Cas? Clearly all contact with his mind was painful and distressing. He should have known it would be. He should never have allowed himself to deepen Cas's pain.

He took a notebook from a drawer and began to write a note. He could leave it in Cas's room, to explain, apologise and mend the bridge he had just hit with a bouncing bomb.

"Hi, 

Hope the last hours of the mind curse aren't too hard on you. I'm trying to find a way to say sorry and I'm not doing well. I know you know I didn't want this and you've been very forgiving, but I also know what kind of ... " 

He stopped writing. There was no way to say sorry for the stuff Cas had been forced to endure, including the thoughtless invasion of his mind a moment ago. He dropped the notebook back into the drawer and gave up. He flopped onto the bed and glared at the ceiling, hating himself for being so stupid. "You worthless, brainless, spineless, useless ... "

Somewhere in the back of his mind, he heard a voice shout, "Stop!"

"You should have stayed in Hell!" he told himself.

"Stop!" said the voice again.

His phone made a quiet chirp.

"It's over." said the voice, Cas's voice, "It's over now."

He read the text from Sam, "Talismans acquired. Everyone meet back home."

"It's over." said Dean to himself. He got up and went to the garage, determined to be there to meet the others. 

He was pacing up and down for some time before Cas arrived. He waited impatiently as Cas carefully parked the car and then they greeted each other uncomfortably, each unable to look into the eyes of the other.

"Hello, Dean." said Cas.

"Are you okay?" said Dean.

"Yes." said Cas.

"Look, if you felt anything earlier ... "

"It's all over now." said Cas.

"I hope so, honestly I do. I'm sorry, anyway." said Dean, "I was trying to tell you I'm sorry."

"There's nothing to be sorry for." said Cas.

"If I managed my mind better ... I know what a mess it is in here. I had no right to inflict that on you."

"Dean, the truth is, I am to blame for all of this." said Cas, suddenly meeting his gaze.

"Don't say that. Don't think it. It's all over. It doesn't matter what caused it."

"So you think I did too."

"Maybe I did. Maybe we did. Maybe this just happens if humans and angels get too close."

"You think we're too close?"

"No, I just mean, maybe this is where human/angel friendships lead."

"To the point where they are afraid to think?"

"It would explain why those friendships are so rare."

"Few humans or angels can stand them?" said Cas, "Or maybe none?"

"Cas, we can, okay?"

"Especially if the Keys of Rhydian work."

"That would make it easier."

They turned as the garage doors opened and the Impala appeared. Sam parked a lot more quickly than Cas had. Before Jack and Sam got out, Cas said, "I'm sorry too, for all of it."

"Cas, nothing to be sorry for, nothing!" said Dean.

Jack came over to them, Sam close behind and Jack placed one talisman in Dean's hand and the other in Castiel's. "There they are."

"They don't look much." said Dean, "Cas? What do you think?"

Cas was turning his, thoughtfully. "There's power in them, quite a lot of power."

"Good or bad?"

"These things are always relative." said Cas, "It's not demonic. It could almost be celestial."

"Could almost be, but isn't?" said Dean.

"Strong enough and with a taste of the angelic, but none of the signatures of Heaven and believe me, my brethren like to sign everything. No ego in this one. It feels more benevolent, like a blessing. Like love, maybe. Whoever enchanted these did so from the purest of motives."

"I never heard of a witch or sorcerer who had any pure motives." said Dean.

"It's a new one on me, too." said Cas, "It explains why I've never heard the name. No ego, no long, dull treatises on his thoughts and ambitions. This Rhydian was out to protect something sacred or someone he held sacred."

"You get all that, just by holding it?" said Jack.

Cas handed it back to him. "Let your mind dwell on it for a moment. Breathe in the energy of the piece. There is a light around it. Let yourself see it and read it."

"And you see only goodness in it?" said Jack.

"Only love, selfless and strong." said Cas.

Jack gave it to Cas again. "Your vision is clearer than mine."

"It takes time to develop such vision." said Cas, "Work on it a little and you will see far more than I do."

Dean put his on, saying, "Well, I've heard enough."

"How do you feel?" said Cas.

"Like I just stopped bench pressing an elephant." said Dean, "That feels good! My mind is clear again! My mind is mine again! Sam, they work. Put it on, Cas."

Cas put his talisman around his neck. He closed his eyes. When he opened them again, he was smiling. "They work!"

"I knew they would!" said Jack.

"So did I." said Dean, "I knew you and Sammy could crack it."

"It works." said Cas, sounding a little stunned.

"I'm never taking this thing off." said Dean.

"Well, when we find a more permanent solution ... " said Sam.

"Which we have to find very soon, obviously." said Cas, "But for now, let's just enjoy this peace. I might go and read for a while." He walked away.

"Are you really sure you don't want some time to use the link you have?" said Sam, "It really could clear up a lot of misunderstandings."

"Sam, before you got here, he could barely look me in the eye."

"Well, think about it. You may need to take a step back and ... "

"A step back from what? The fact that my best friend now knows exactly what goes on in my sick and twisted head?"

"Dean, I've known all of that for years. I mean, I even know the thing about ... Well, I know all the sick and twisted crap and it hasn't changed my opinion of you."

"No, well, your opinion of me was always pretty low."

"Like, rock bottom." said Sam, smiling.

"I should talk to him."

"Yeah, we got these talismans to save your friendship, not to end it. Don't let them become a barrier. They were always intended to be a key."

Dean found Cas just getting settled in the library. "We made it." he said. He offered his hand and Cas shook it. "Does it feel different to you? These things are powerful!" he said.

Cas nodded. "Clearly."

"Of course, the big test will be tonight, when I'm not in conscious control, when we see whether my dreams still transmit. If they do, tell me immediately, wake me immediately. I don't want you to suffer any of my dark stuff tonight."

"The talismans will work." said Cas, "I can feel it."

"Good. Okay. Cas, today was weird and wrong and I'm sorry. I know you say you don't need an apology, but I also know you didn't run to Sarah because you needed honey."

Cas patted his shoulder. "Sarah helped me to understand. She often does."

"I hate the fact you can talk to her and not to me." said Dean.

"She just sees where I'm stumbling." said Cas.

"Sarah Kranz, Angel Whisperer." said Dean.

"Pretty good with Winchesters too, I think." said Cas.

"Angels and angel friends." said Dean.

"You don't renounce your angel friendship, then?" said Cas, "Knowing about the weird free gift that comes with it?"

"The mind of a Winchester is not easily changed." said Dean, "The heart, never."


	29. Chapter 29

Sam and Jack left the bunker and walked to the small wooded area nearby. Once there, Sam felt safe to say, "Well, it worked. We fooled them."

"When Castiel held it and detected something almost celestial, I thought he was onto us." said Jack.

"From now on, in the bunker or in any communication other than face to face between you, me and Mom, the talismans are real and Rhydian is an actual, historical figure. One slip and they will work out everything. If they ask about Rhydian, tell them to ask me. I can more easily fake a history for him than you can. If you have to tell them something about him, make sure I know what you said. We need to be telling the same story. If they ask to see the documentary evidence, stall. Tell Dean it's in Greek, for a start."

"That won't work on Castiel." said Jack, "He speaks Greek."

"I know." said Sam, "Trying to deceive an angel has always been a challenge."

"But it's worth the effort. They believe in the talismans." said Jack, "Dean seemed very relieved."

"Yeah, he did and I'm sure he is, for Cas's sake, but just watch for signs he's not handling it well."

"I think Castiel isn't handling it well." said Jack, "When he first put it on, just for a second, he looked devastated."

"Castiel is definitely not handling it well and I hope Dean won't make him live without the link, because he needs it. Dean does too, whether he'll ever admit it to himself or not."

"You still hope they'll decide conscious control is better than abandoning the link altogether?"

"Does it seem impossible to you?" said Sam.

"They are both incredibly stubborn." said Jack, "I'm not saying it won't happen, but they may need some nudging in that direction."

"Very, very subtle nudging." said Sam, "Always remember that you're dealing with two deeply paranoid, profoundly suspicious geniuses who know us so well they probably see that we're lying before we open our mouths."

"We've fooled them once." said Jack.

"When both were distracted. Don't get over-confident."

"I won't. You're not the one Dean has already threatened to kill. In fact, you're the only one certain to be safe if he gets angry." Jack's smile showed he didn't see his own life as that much at risk either.

"Tonight, we get to see whether we've convinced them enough for the talismans to work when Dean is asleep. If Cas can still see his dreams, we're screwed."

"What are we depending on, that Castiel will believe he can't see the dreams or that Dean believes he can stop them from transmitting to Cas?" said Jack.

"Both would be best, but either will do. I have a lot of faith in their ability to make themselves believe almost anything. As long as they do, all that stubbornness is working for us, not against us. If Dean is convinced he is in control, he'll act accordingly and take control."

"Mary's right. You are devious." said Jack, in a tone of admiration.

"Dean can kick my ass any time he wants. I had to get creative very early in life."

"My biggest regret is that I never got to have a childhood." said Jack, "I wish I could have grown up, with a brother, maybe."

"Dean never really got a childhood either." said Sam, "And I only did because he decided I should have one. None of us had a perfect start to life. That's why the party's important. We've missed out on a lot of the fun stuff, along the way. We should grab some when we can."

"I'm not complaining." said Jack, "I feel like I have the family I missed out on. A lot of people have a lot less than I have. I just wish sometimes that I could have been a little kid."

"We all wish you could have had that." said Sam.

"I don't know much about birthday parties. You'll make sure I don't get anything wrong, won't you?"

"You can't get a birthday party wrong." said Sam, "You just have to make the person having the birthday feel loved. Just do what you always do, act in accordance with that strong, selfless love that Cas detected on the Keys of Rhydian. Just let Cas know that you love him."

"I do love him. I always will. When I needed him, he protected me. When I was lost and confused, he taught me. Every time I feel alone, he's there to tell me I'm not. I love you all, honestly, I do, but Castiel more than all the world."

"I know." said Sam, "And that's only right. We will never be jealous of Castiel. He deserves all the love you give him. He deserves everything good."


	30. Chapter 30

  
Dean touched the talisman he was wearing. Cas noticed the gesture and tried not to feel affronted. Of course Dean was glad to have his mind back under his control. It was natural and understandable. Hadn't Cas himself always said that stopping the mind curse had to be the priority? But now that it was stopped, he couldn't help resenting how happy Dean seemed to be, after all the talk of no barriers, to slam the door shut against him.

"Who do you suppose Rhydian was?" said Dean.

"No idea." said Cas.

"And you're not curious?"

"Not really. All that matters is that he came up with a solution to our problem before the problem existed."

"Which makes me wonder about him even more." said Dean.

"Well, the name is Welsh in origin," said Cas, "But we could be looking at some kind of Celtic Twilight affectation."

"Irish vampires?" said Dean.

"What?" said Cas.

For a moment, they looked at each other in confusion. Then Dean said, "Talking to me must be a lot like talking to a bucket of mud. No wonder you enjoy talking to Sam."

"You should stop that." said Cas, "Please stop that."

"Stop what?"

"Talking as if you're stupid. You never were."

"Not stupid, just not Sam. I'm not book smart. I'm not educated."

"You have a broad knowledge base, a large vocabulary and a capacity for abstract thought that sometimes astounds me."

"Yeah, for a bucket of mud." said Dean.

"Shut up, Winchester."

Dean smiled. "Do I detect some hostility?"

"Take the talisman off and find out." said Cas.

"I'm thinking of soldering the catch shut, so I can never take it off." said Dean.

"For now, we should keep all our options open." said Cas, knowing that if Dean decided to keep it on forever, that was precisely what he would do.

"Admit it. You want it to be permanent as much as I do."

"I want the thing stopped, but it wouldn't be a terrible idea to have it available in case we ever needed it."

"What for? In case I ever want to burn your brain with all this hellfire? I've done enough damage to you."

Cas was worried about more than just losing the connection with Dean. His friend looked tired and stressed and unhappy and he knew he had no way of fixing any of it. Dean must have felt under siege for as long as the connection had existed and the effects still lingered. Cas felt selfish and heartless, thinking of his own loss when that loss was essential to Dean's peace of mind.

"Have you eaten anything?" he said. The emotional and spiritual stuff felt too dangerous an issue to broach, but the physical stuff seemed safe enough.

"I'm not hungry." said Dean. That felt like reason for concern.

"You should eat." he said, "If only for the sake of the others. If you aren't eating, they'll think something is wrong."

"Look at you, appointing yourself morale officer. Sam will be so proud." said Dean. Cas knew he didn't intend to sound so dismissive and mocking, but it hurt anyway.

He stood up to leave.

"Cas, I'm sorry." said Dean.

"It's fine." said Cas, hating the fact that Dean could hear in his voice that it wasn't.

"Don't go off and sulk." said Dean.

"I'm not going to sulk." said Cas, a shamefully obvious lie.

"I mean stay here." said Dean.

"What for?" said Cas. It was the wrong thing to say. He could feel the fight building between them and he knew he should say something to slow the escalation, not push Dean towards the brink of anger. He was hurt and he was anxious and he was acting like a human.

"Do what you like." said Dean, "I don't care." There was a childish note to it all, a scared kid trying to tell the world he didn't need them.

Cas could feel his own angry words rushing through his throat, anxious to make the same stupid false claim, that he was strong enough not to care what anyone thought of him, but one of them had to pull up from the nosedive. "Dean," he said, "I need your help."

Instantly, the tension dropped. "What help?" said Dean, "What do you need?"

"I messed up." said Cas, "I argued with my best friend. I said things that made him angry."

"Been there, done that." said Dean a faint smile was on his lips and there was a twinkle in his eye.

"And now I don't know how to fix it before things get worse." said Cas.

"If your friend's worth anything, he'll understand and forgive." said Dean.

"He's worth everything, but sometimes I feel like all I do is make him angry."

Dean stood up. "That isn't true, Cas. It's just ... It's like we've forgotten how to talk to each other. We've had to be so careful and now everything feels dangerous."

But talking was dangerous. Cas knew he couldn't just say every thought in his head when the thought on the top of his head was that he wanted the connection to continue and wanted Dean to want that too. He knew how needy and unreasonable that would sound to Dean, who hated the mind curse and didn't miss the closeness at all.

He tried to think of something safe to say, but he couldn't. He just wanted not to be fighting, not to be giving Dean any reason to want more distance between them.

"Cas, please talk to me." said Dean.

"I want to." said Cas.

"I know I don't make it easy. My mouth is always in the way."

"I never say the right thing either." said Cas.

"How did we ever become friends?"

"I think we fairly quickly developed a strategy of not really listening." said Cas.

Dean grinned. "I'm glad you can ignore the dumb things I say."

"You ignore the dumber things I come out with." said Cas.

"And it doesn't hurt that we've faced a lot of final scenes together. When everyone else around you is dead, clinging to what's left becomes easier."

"Sometimes, I've been one of the dead things." said Cas.

Dean seemed to flinch from the memory. "Truth is, Cas, dead or alive, you're important to me. If I ever seem to forget that, whack me across the head."

"Yeah, not planning to throw the first punch in any fight with a Winchester. You take down gods."

Dean smiled. "Only when they're asking for it. Now that the curse is gone, we can fix everything. We just have to remember that the stuff we both say is nothing. What matters is what we are, what we do. We say things to protect ourselves. Doesn't mean we mean any of it."

"I try to remember that. But some of the things you say ... "

"I know. It's a brother thing. I say things to you and Sam and assume you know I don't mean them. I should know better by now."

"And I should know you don't mean them. I do know that. Sometimes I just don't feel it. And then I say things to you that are exactly the wrong things to say."

"And I should know that's the last thing you want to do." said Dean.

"Why aren't you hungry?" said Cas.

Dean suddenly looked into his eyes with a nervous, haunted look.

"Sorry." he said, "Unfair question."

"No. No, it's okay. I just don't have an easy answer."

"Angel." said Cas, "I could probably grasp the hard ones, if I concentrated."

"The mind curse shook everything up." said Dean, "A lot of mixed feelings. That fear you picked up on ... "

Cas could tell that Dean was about to say something significant, but at that moment, Bobby came in and Dean instantly clammed up.

"Dean, something weird is going on." said Bobby.

"Weird how?" said Dean.

"Fang weird. I was tracking some disappearances in Wichita. I'm not an expert on your vampires, but I thought they were pretty much out of action thanks to your British friends. In Wichita, they seem organised and effective and their numbers are higher than I expected."

"Do they know you're interested?" said Dean.

"No. When I could tell how well set up they are, I decided to get back here without engaging with them. I'm no coward, but there's no point fighting an enemy that's far too well-prepared. We need to work together."

"You made the right call." said Dean.

Cas could see that Dean's mind was entirely on Bobby's news now. He decided to leave them to talk. As he reached the doorway, Dean said, "We'll talk later, Cas, okay?"

"Yes." said Cas, knowing that the moment had gone and that Dean would be unlikely to tell him whatever he had been about to say, "Get something to eat."


	31. Chapter 31

After discussing the vampire issue with Bobby, Dean went to the kitchen. He told himself he wanted to eat something, so Cas would stop worrying, but he knew, deep down, that the kitchen just felt comforting and homey. It felt even more so when he found his mother there, drinking coffee. "Hey." she said, "You want a cup?"

"Yeah, thanks." he said.

She poured it for him and put it on the table opposite her. "Sit. Talk." she said.

"About what?" he asked.

"Really? Don't waste my time or yours, Dean. I know something's happened."

"Well, the talismans work, which is great." he said.

"But?"

"It's nothing. Cas and I just failed to communicate. It's happening a lot, lately."

"You argued?"

"Not really. We just said things that were the wrong things to say. We both admitted they were the wrong things to say and we're still friends and everything, but ... well, the truth is, I said too much."

"About what?" she asked.

"Stuff. Things. The mind curse."

"Why do you call it that?" she said.

"It's what Cas calls it." he said.

"So what did you say?"

He thought about it. Bobby had actually interrupted just as he had been about to say something really stupid, but mentioning the fear Cas had noticed had been stupid anyway. "I just brought up stuff I didn't need to bring up. I need to stop thinking about myself and remember that Cas suffers whenever I even mention the damn curse."

"Where is he now?" she asked.

"I don't know. He left when I was talking to Bobby. I thought about finding him, but what am I gonna say? I'd just make it worse."

"Do you want me to talk to him?" she said.

"No. I have to deal with it later. For now, he needs some peace. Why don't we take the coffee to my room and read some more Carver Edlund? But not the one you were planning to read. I think you should read one of the later books, Lazarus Rising."

"What happened in that?" she said.

"Castiel happened. I want you to know how he came into our lives and why he's unlike every other angel there ever was."

"You really think you've messed this up, don't you?" she said.

"I talk without thinking. I say stupid things. I say stuff he can only hear as criticism and then I go and tell him that ... "

"That what?" she said.

"I tell him I only care about myself. I mean, I guess he knows that by now, but I don't have to keep proving it again and again."

"Dean, all I ever see is that you care about everyone but yourself."

"Yeah, well, I try to look good in front of you. I hate having to say this, Mom, because I'd love you to think good things about me, but I may be the worst friend in the world. Fantastic brother, Sam has nothing to worry about, I swear; lousy friend. We found something that means he never has to suffer this again ... " On "this" he slapped his forehead. "We find the way to stop his pain and all I can do is think about myself and what I've lost."

"What have you lost?" she said.

"Nothing. Not a damn thing. Nothing I ever had a right to." he said.

"Would it kill you to be honest? Are you so afraid to say it that you'll just keep pretending it's not important?"

"I'm not afraid to say it. I'm afraid he'll hear it. I nearly said it to him today."

"You know, you should be able to tell a friend anything."

"Great in theory, but in this case, a really stupid idea." he said.

"Well, tell your mother."

He looked into her eyes. He knew he could trust her. He had always trusted her. "Mom, it's bad. It's real bad."

"Tell me." she said, "Whisper it."

He leaned across the table and whispered, "I can't stand the silence. I want the damn curse back."

"That's the bad thing?" she said.

"Totally ignoring how Cas feels doesn't seem bad to you?" he said, "I'm hoping the chain breaks and I lose the talisman, you know, the one that makes it bearable for Cas to be around me."

"Tell him. Talk to him. You said you almost did." she said.

"I'm just glad Bobby came in at that moment. If I had told him, he'd know I think of myself before considering him."

"Dean, you're wearing the talisman." she said.

"Yeah, but I wish Sam had never found the damn thing. It's not what you do that matters, it's the motivation."

"Maybe it's both and maybe doing something you don't want to do because it's best for someone you love makes it an even better thing to do than if you really wanted to do it."

"And maybe you're my Mom and you make excuses for me and I love that you do that, but I'm just being selfish. I need to solder the catch so I can never take this thing off."

"If he felt this way, you'd want to know."

"Because I want him to feel this way." he said.

"Even if you didn't ... "

"Mom, you're great at this, really you are. You make Sam look like a total amateur, but I've been making excuses for myself for decades and even I can't make this anything but terrible. I owe Cas everything and I can't do this one little thing without resenting it."

"Whether you resent it or not, you're doing it." she said. She looked at him thoughtfully. "Dean, have you ever just risked everything on your faith in a friendship?"

"Never with a good result." he said, "Only two friends never let me down and I got them both killed."

"So now, you don't believe in friendship?"

"I believe that losing Castiel's friendship or betraying it would be the biggest mistake in a life full of huge, stupid, dumb mistakes." he said.


	32. Chapter 32

As Sam and Jack got back to the bunker, they were met by Paul. "Your angel just went out of here like a bat out of Hell." he said.

"What happened?" said Sam.

"No idea. I've never seen him drive that fast."

"He may have gone to Sarah again." said Jack.

"Maybe." said Sam, whose head was already full of far worse options.

"Should I tell Dean?" said Paul.

"Dean probably knows." said Sam, "Don't worry. I'm sure everything is fine."

When Paul had gone, Jack said, "This wasn't supposed to happen, was it? They were supposed to stay together and talk."

"It was always a risk." said Sam, "We can trace Cas if we need to, but I'll check with Sarah first." He called her.

"Sam!" she said.

"Hey, Sarah," he said, "Do you know anything about Cas leaving the bunker? Is he going back to your place?"

"Not that I know of, but he usually just turns up. Has something happened?"

"I'm not sure yet, but I suspect Dean said something. They've both been under a lot of pressure."

"Cas told me about the talismans." she said.

"He didn't happen to tell you how he really felt about them?" said Sam.

"We talked about a lot of things." she said, "I don't feel I have his permission to discuss any of them with any of you. No offence."

"No, none taken. I understand. I'm just worried about him. If he does go to you, could you ask him to call us?"

"Of course." she said, "You make sure Dean's alright."

"I will." he said.

"Oh, I was going to call you later and ask if I could come to the bunker tomorrow to get things ready for the party."

"Yes, of course." he said, "But don't drive here. It's a little tricky to find and you shouldn't be driving when you don't have to. When do you want to be picked up?"

"Oh, any time after 8 am." she said, "Whenever's convenient."

"See you tomorrow, then." he said, "I'll come for you or Dean will."

"I hope those too are fine." she said, "You let me know."

"As soon as I can." he said. He ended the call and turned to Jack. "We need to find out what happened. He texted Dean with one word, "Garage."

Dean arrived quickly. "What's wrong?" he said.

"You tell me." said Sam, "Cas just left, at speed."

"You saw him? Cas never does anything at speed. Where did he go?"

"Why did he go?" said Sam.

"I think I upset him." said Dean, "I talked too much. He may have thought I was saying something I didn't actually say. You know how he is. He seemed okay. I mean, he didn't like Bobby coming in and distracting me from our conversation, but he wasn't angry or hurt or anything, just mildly irritated. He even told me to eat something."

"So he felt ignored, he may have misunderstood something and he expressed concern for you? And none of that rang alarm bells?"

"What am I supposed to do? Follow him around, demanding to know where he's going?" said Dean, his guilt obvious in his anger.

Sam realised that he needed to stop making Dean feel worse. He didn't know what had been said on either side or what either of them had heard in their anxiety and confusion. "I'm not blaming you." he said.

"Good. Well, that makes one of us." said Dean. He took out his phone. "I'll call the dumbass."

Sam took the phone. "Maybe I should do that." he said, "Calling him dumbass may not help."

He used his own phone to call Cas, but there was no reply.

Dean snatched his phone back and sent a text.

"What are you saying to him?" said Sam.

"Come home." said Dean, "Call Sarah, he may go there."

"Already have. If he turns up, she'll try to get him to call us."

"He's probably fine." said Dean, "I mean, he's not five and he's not under house arrest. He can leave the bunker any time he likes. How fast was he going?"

"I don't know. Paul saw him." said Sam. He was already using his phone to check where Cas was. "Got him!" he said, "The good news is, he's still in Smith County. The bad news is, he's not heading for Ionia."

"Let's go get him." said Dean.

"What happened to 'He's probably fine.' then, Dean?" said Sam.

"He probably is, but he's not answering his phone and he's heading away as fast as he can."

"Chasing him may not be the best move." said Sam.

"He's stopped." said Jack. He took Sam's phone and zoomed in on the location. "I think he stopped for food."

"He doesn't eat." said Dean.

"Maybe he does when he's upset." said Jack.

"I've seen him upset a lot." said Dean, "I don't often see him eat." His phone buzzed. He checked the message. "It's from Cas. He says, 'Home soon.' What kind of message is that?"

"Exactly the kind you send." said Sam. He called Cas again.

"Hello, Sam." said Cas. He sounded tired.

"Why did you leave like that?" said Sam.

"I'll be back soon." said Cas.

"Dean didn't mean whatever he said or seemed to say." said Sam.

"How is Dean?" said Cas.

"Sorry for anything he said that you didn't like." said Sam.

"He didn't say anything." said Cas.

Dean took the phone from Sam. "Cas, you need to come back. Whatever you thought I said, you misunderstood." He gave the phone back to Sam. "Not one word. He's not talking to me. If anyone wants me, I'll be welding this chain to my neck."

"Don't do that." said Sam, "Let's just wait for him to come home."

"Can you two find a way to use the same kind of enchantment as Rhydian used, but permanently, on a person?"

"That's not gonna be easy." said Sam.

"Try anyway. Try anything. I need a permanent solution." Dean walked briskly away.

"I wish he didn't make that sound so final and fatal." said Jack.

"I may have miscalculated everything." said Sam.

"No, I don't think so." said Jack, "Cas says he's coming back. That has to be a good sign. You'd better call Sarah and tell her."

"Okay. Try to hang around with Dean. I don't want him doing anything dumb."

"You think I can stop him?"

"If you can't, no-one can. I have faith in you, Jack."

Jack turned to go, then turned back. "Are there any bats in Hell?"

"No, not that I've seen."

"I thought not. The opportunities for damnation must be fairly slight for any small mammal."

Sam looked at Jack, trying to work out what he was talking about, but Jack just smiled, turned and left the garage.


	33. Chapter 33

Dean could hardly miss Jack casually strolling into the library behind him. "Let me guess, Sam sent you to babysit me and make sure I didn't do anything stupid."

"Yes. Please don't do something stupid and make me look incompetent."

Dean smiled. "Kid, your honesty is weird, but refreshing. You and Sam have nothing to worry about here. Cas is the one acting weird."

"I feel responsible. Sam and I found those talismans and they seem to be causing trouble." said Jack.

"No. No, Jack, you finding the Keys of Rhydian has only been good and Castiel and I are very grateful to you. Please don't ever think we're not. It's not the talismans. It's not even the mind curse. We always had a weird, turbulent, difficult relationship and once in a while, one of us overreacts or says something dumb and everything gets messed up for a while. It's part of being human ... and angel, apparently. Friendship can be complicated. Friendships with me, especially."

"If I'd known he'd go, I would have stopped him." said Jack.

"It's not your job to herd Cas back home." said Dean, "Really, it was my job to stop him from wanting to leave and I screwed that up. As usual, I was too wrapped up in my own stuff."

"So what caused the problem?" said Jack.

"Talking. Never a good idea, Jack. Never talk. Just bury anything that bothers you where nobody else can trip over it."

"That's the opposite of the advice you, Castiel and Sam have given me in the past." said Jack.

"Yeah, I know." said Dean, "I got his birthday present organised, anyway. I'll be picking it up tomorrow."

"What did you get him?"

"Nothing big, nothing amazing, just something a hunter should have." said Dean. He didn't mention the inscription, either.

Sam appeared in the doorway. "Cas is heading home."

"That's quick." said Dean.

"Maybe he really did just go out for food." said Jack.

"For food he doesn't need?" said Dean, "He's more likely to have been hitting on a waitress and I don't consider that a serious possibility either."

"Are you okay?" said Sam.

"I'm not the one who disappeared at high speed." said Dean.

"Noted. Are you okay?"

Dean nodded.

"Sarah wants to come over tomorrow morning to set up for the party. I told her one of us would pick her up."

"I'll do it. I have to pick something up for Cas in the same direction."

"Thanks. I didn't want her driving herself that distance."

"No, neither do I." said Dean.

"Do you think she'll need help setting up?" said Jack, "I'd like to help."

"I'm sure she will." said Sam, "And she'll love having you there to help her. She likes you." He turned to Dean. "Dean, do you want me to talk to Cas?"

"No, I don't want anyone to talk to Cas. I can handle Cas."

"Okay. Fine. Whatever."

"What does that mean?" said Dean.

"It means stop being so defensive. Nobody is saying this is your fault."

"I'll wait for him in the garage." said Dean, "I'll make sure he's okay."

"We can all be there if that's easier." said Sam.

"You think I'll screw up again."

"No, I think maybe this is getting to you and you might need some support."

"Well, I don't. Amazingly, I can talk to my best friend without having back-up." said Dean. He knew he wasn't sounding as stable as he was pretending to be. "I'll fix it, Sam. I think he's just anxious. We all are, until we know whether this thing can stop him suffering my dreams. Tomorrow morning, all our problems could be over. We just have to navigate some choppy waters until then."

"What do you want me to do?" said Jack.

"You and Sam, work on making some kind of permanent solution to the mind curse." said Dean, "Whatever it takes, I want it gone."

He went back to the garage alone. It seemed a long wait, but probably wasn't. He waited for Cas to park his car and then went over just as he was getting out.

"What was that all about?" he said.

Cas reached into the car and brought out some bags of fast food. "Shut up." he said. He put the bags into Dean's arms and then said, "Let's go to your room."

"What's the food for?" said Dean.

"Eating." said Cas.

"Okay. Ask a stupid question, I guess." He followed Cas to his own room. "What is this?" he said, as they went into the room.

"Sit down, shut up and eat." said Cas.

Dean sat on the bed. "So this is for me?"

"I don't eat." said Cas.

"I know, but ... "

"Were my instructions unclear?" said Cas, "We tried talking. Talking turns out to be a bad idea. You haven't eaten all day. I don't need to hear whatever you were about to tell me when Bobby gave you an excuse not to. I don't need to hear anything. I just need to see you eat."

"You have the weirdest hobbies." said Dean.

"Shut up." said Cas.

"Okay. Shutting up."

Cas looked at him with a strange sorrow. Then he said quietly, "I know it feels bad right now. I know you think our friendship is in freefall. That's not the case. It just can't work today, with words. We're hearing wrong, we're saying all the worst things and I know shut up is not a great choice of words, but everything we ever felt or believed is still there. It's just getting tangled up in all the mind curse mess. Let's not try to find a way out through words. Let's just look after the basics, food, shelter and companionship and hit the reset button tomorrow, when we know if these things work."

Dean looked at the burgers and fries. Whatever wounds his thoughtless words had inflicted, the food was a message of unconditional love and concern.

"Dean, just eat." said Cas.

"When I heard you'd gone ... "

"You need to be less clingy." said Cas, "It doesn't look good, for either of us. You don't want people to think of you as Castiel's pet human."

"Touché." said Dean, "Okay, no more talk. Just sit here. You're right. Words don't matter right now." He took a bite of a burger.

Cas sat on the end of the bed.

"I love you, Cas and I'm sorry." said Dean.

"Which part of 'shut up' was too complicated for you?" said Cas, but he was smiling.


	34. Chapter 34

Sam went to his mother's room. As soon as he knocked on the door, she opened it. "You look worried." she said.

"Well, I have a lot to worry about. Cas left and is now back and all we know is that he was in close proximity to fast food and Dean went to meet him and every time they're in the same place at the moment, something gets said and ... " He ran his hand through his hair. "I thought they'd reach a point where they'd just be honest with each other and start making sense."

"How long have you known your brother?" she said, "He wants me to read Lazarus Rising."

"Oh."

"Not much enthusiasm for that one?" she said.

"I'm surprised he wants you to read it. That's when he got out of Hell."

"He wants me to understand about his relationship with Castiel."

"That's good. You should read it, because he doesn't often want to reveal anything to anyone."

"That's what I thought." she said, "I want to encourage any attempt at openness. And I'm curious about Castiel. But there's something else. There's a reason he wants to talk about it. I'm waiting for him to find the words. It could take a while."

"Yeah, it could." said Sam, "Look, there's something you should know about the book, when you get to the stuff about Ruby. Dean had been in Hell for months. I was going insane trying to find a way to free him. I felt very alone. Ruby took advantage of that. Normally, I never would have ... I mean, trusting a demon ... "

"Sam, we've all made mistakes. Besides, you and Dean trusted Crowley and that worked out well. Clearly, demons aren't all the same."

"Ruby was evil."

"Yes, but giving her a chance was sensible." she said.

He smiled. "I love you."

"You need to remember that I will never judge you. You're my son and I love you and I know you're wonderful. Every decision you ever made, you believed was the best choice at the time. Same with Dean."

"I wish he could see that as clearly as we can."

"He told me he doesn't want to stop the connection with Cas." she said, "Telling me that was so hard for him. He confessed it like some terrible sin."

"At least he was able to say it. I've been trying to get him to for a while now."

"He thinks he's a terrible friend, but he's missing the point. He is willing to end the connection he wants to keep because he thinks Castiel wants him to."

"And Cas is willing to do it just because he thinks Dean hates the connection. You know what's insane about all this? We could sit them down in the same room and tell each that the other wants this connection and they would both deny it forever. Sometimes, I just don't know if it's worth trying. Maybe we should just find a way to block it forever like both of them keep asking us to do."

"They seem so close. They seem to understand each other most of the time and then suddenly it's like they're backing away at the speed of light."

"I know. It doesn't make a lot of sense. But Dean has had bad luck in friendships. Only one friend never let him down, a vampire called Benny and Benny died to get me out of Purgatory."

"He said two friends."

"The other one will be Charlie, or maybe Cas."

"He said he got them both killed."

"Again, could be Charlie or Cas, although technically, I got Charlie killed. He tends to blame himself for anything like that, even when I did it. I hope he's talking to Cas now. I hope they've found some quiet corner to discuss all the stuff that's driving them crazy. I feel like I should disable their cars, or lock them in the dungeon."

"I don't think the dungeon is likely to provide much of a challenge to either of them." she said.

"No, it isn't, but I'm getting desperate."

"At least Dean is trying to talk to Cas. That has to be good."

"As long as he doesn't say the wrong thing again. Either of them could walk out at any time."

"But for now, they're together. They're communicating."

"Yes, for now. I wish they'd talk about the big stuff. I've never seen a friendship like theirs. I've never seen anything close to it. I just wish they had more faith in it. I wish they had more faith in themselves."

"Dean talks as if he doesn't deserve a friend."

"Dean doesn't think he deserves a thing." said Sam.


	35. Chapter 35

  
"Are we just gonna do silence?" said Dean, having eaten all he could.

"Apparently not." said Cas, "But I urge you to consider it. I've finally recognised the futility of talking to Winchesters."

Dean nodded. He could hardly argue with that.

"We could go to the Dean Cave and watch a movie." Cas suggested.

"How long for?" said Dean.

"As long as it takes." said Cas, seeming a little confused.

"I don't mean now. I mean for how long are we planning to maintain an amicable silence instead of trying to talk to each other?"

"Isn't an amicable anything better than the alternative?" said Cas.

"So our friendship has no chance?" said Dean. It sounded needy and pathetic to his own ears. He was relieved that Cas didn't laugh at him.

"Our friendship is too important to be thrown away because we can't stop saying all the things we don't need to say." said Cas.

Dean said nothing. He had no argument to offer.

"Every word I say feels like a shot in the dark." said Cas, "And I'm firing them all in your direction. I don't know what will hurt, what will heal, what will make you angry. With the talisman on, I have no way of knowing how you're feeling right now."

"We can take them off." said Dean. He saw Cas's face, the look of pain and he immediately said, "Sorry. Of course we can't. I've got Sam and Jack working on a way to end this thing forever."

"Please stop talking." said Cas.

Dean shut up. Bringing up the mind curse had been a stupid thing to do.

Someone knocked on the door. "Jack?" said Dean.

"Sam." said Sam, "May I come in?"

"Yeah, come in." said Dean.

The door opened and Sam looked at the food wrappers all over the bed. "Good. You ate something." He turned to Cas. "That's why you left? To get him food?"

"He wasn't eating." said Cas, "I had to do something."

"I don't want to interrupt. I know you two have a lot to talk about. I just wanted to be sure you were both okay."

"We've decided we have nothing to talk about." said Dean.

"What?" said Sam. He looked at Cas again. "Surely you don't think that?"

"My idea." said Cas.

"So, two days before the party, you're not speaking to each other? Sarah will never forgive me."

"Just for now." said Cas, "Just until it's safe to talk again."

"Why isn't it safe now?" said Sam. He looked at Dean. "Is this really what you want?"

"Yes." said Dean. What he wanted was irrelevant. He needed to do what Cas wanted. Cas had to be comfortable enough to stick around.

"Are you stupid?" said Sam.

"Yes." said Dean, "Apparently, I am."

"Maybe you should try silence too." said Cas to Sam, "It prevents so much conflict."

"Yeah, well, I'd rather be yelling at Dean than have silence between us." said Sam.

"I get that." said Dean, "I respect that. Now, Cas and I are going to the Dean Cave to see a movie."

"What movie?" said Sam, "How will you pick one without discussion?"

"His choice." said Dean.

"Maybe you should get some sleep. We need to know if the talismans stop you sharing dreams. The sooner you sleep, the sooner we know."

"Yeah, but no pressure, right?" said Dean. He glanced at Cas. The angel looked worried. "Seriously, Sam, you need to shut up about the mind curse and the talismans. We know what's at stake, we don't need to be thinking about it all the time. Cas, go pick a movie. I'll be right behind you."

Cas nodded and left.

"Silence doesn't help." said Sam.

"It helps him." said Dean.

"To do what?"

"He's one wrong word away from leaving forever." said Dean, "And I don't know what that word will be. Call me stupid, call me pathetic, call me anything you like ... I already have. He says talking to me is futile. I can't say he's wrong."

"I don't want him to leave either." said Sam, "Jack says he's thinking of going to Heaven for help."

"Since when does Heaven ever help him?"

"He's desperate and he's scared and he'll do anything to stop stealing your thoughts."

"They'll burn out his brain, or erase him from existence. Heaven doesn't care about Cas. If they need to destroy him to end the link, they will."

"I know, so we need to keep him here."

"Which means playing by his rules. He wanted silence."

"This is messed up. You know that, right?"

Dean nodded. "Yeah, I know and it's not what I want, but what I want doesn't matter. He's the one who is being tortured by this thing. He's calling the shots and I am fine with that."

"So you're gonna watch a movie together in silence and hope that'll fix things?"

"Maybe things can't be fixed. Maybe all we can do is pretend they don't exist, just for long enough for him to catch his breath."

"You still think you did this." said Sam.

"Whoever did anything, we owe Cas."

"You know I love Cas. You know I always will. It's for him as much as for you that I want you two to communicate."

"He got me burgers. He sat here while I ate them. That's communication."

"There's no doubt, you're John Winchester's kid." said Sam.

"That's not an insult to me, Sammy."

"It wasn't intended as one." said Sam.


	36. Chapter 36

Cas listened for footsteps. Movies were easy. No need for conversation, little chance of arguments. They just needed to get through one evening without further conflict. If the talismans prevented dream sharing, Dean would relax and all would be well. 

If not, more drastic options needed to be considered. Heaven would want the link gone as much as Dean did and they would know how to do it. True, he might not survive the process, but neither would the link. It was a high price, but if no other option would work, he was almost ready to pay it.

He was glad now that Dean had shot down the attempt to add a clause to the Winchester Pact forbidding stupid, suicidal moves without consultation. It was not a conversation he could face having with either of the others and it was, after all, his life to risk.

The film was a safe choice. One of Dean's favourites, The Good, The Bad and The Ugly. He would enjoy the perfection of the score and Dean would love the badassery of Eastwood.

While he was waiting, he sent a text to Sam, "I know what I am doing."

A few moments later, he added, "I think."

He heard familiar footsteps and the door opened just as a reply arrived from Sam. It said, "Here if either of you needs me."

Dean looked at the brightly lit phone screen in the dim room. "Sam?" he said.

"Yes." said Cas.

"Is he giving instructions?"

"No, just offering support." said Cas, showing him the conversation.

Dean read it, then looked at the TV and smiled. "Good choice." he said. He sat down in the seat nearest the door. Cas reached down beside his own seat and picked up two cowboy hats. He donned one himself and put the other on Dean's head.

Dean looked at him. "Where did you get the hat?" he said.

"Sarah." said Cas, "And yours from your room. You didn't ward it against angels."

"No, and I won't. So, at least you'll have a hat for the party."

"I wanted to make an effort." said Cas.

Dean nodded. "I think that's great, Cas. And chicks dig cowboy hats."

"That doesn't matter to me." said Cas.

"It will at the party." said Dean.

"Not really." said Cas, puzzled.

"Trust me, Jules will really like it."

"Jules is impressed enough with the whole hunter thing." said Cas.

"But not the angel thing?"

"You wanted me to play down the angel thing." said Cas, not convinced that Jules would be overly excited to know that Dean was friends with one of the most disreputable of the angelic host.

"I never said that. And not with the ladies. That whole celestial being thing can work miracles."

"I really don't understand the hesitation." said Cas, "You've often said how approachable she is."

"Yeah, approachable doesn't mean easy." said Dean, "Maybe she wants some indication of interest."

"Well, I've made it as obvious as I reasonably can." said Cas. He had done everything short of say outright that Dean was attracted to her.

"Cas, it's a matter of confidence."

"Not an area you usually have any problem with." said Cas.

"I have my moments of hesitation and doubt. I just blot them out with alcohol and bravado. You're a great guy, Cas. If I had a sister, I'd let you date her. Hell, I'd let you date Sam." Cas was sure he would never get used to the swift tangents of human conversation.

"I'm not sure Sam would." he said.

"Well, Sam has always had questionable taste." said Dean.

"We should stop talking now." said Cas.

"Because you're offended?" said Dean.

"Because I am no longer sure what we are discussing." said Cas.

Dean looked confused for a moment. "Neither am I, now."

"Something about the sister you don't have." said Cas.

"I don't have a sister I don't have." said Dean.

"No, I didn't think you did." said Cas.

"Yeah, you're right, this conversation stopped making sense some time ago. But I'm glad we had it. I'm glad we can still talk to each other a little."

"And as long as neither of us has a clue what we are talking about, dissent is unlikely." said Cas.

"I think that's how the UN works." said Dean, "So much gets lost in translation, nobody gets insulted."

"We've gone from hats to non-existent relatives to the United Nations and I'm not sure how that happened."

"Well, Mom did say friends should be able to talk about anything."

"But everything, all at once? Anyway, I'm sure you set her straight on that."

"Cas, I talk about stuff with you that I couldn't tell another living soul."

"Technically, I am not a living soul. I have no soul."

"Of course, sometimes I wonder why I put myself through trying to talk to a pedantic, literal-minded, immortal being who has never learned how to Google a common phrase."

"We should watch the movie now." said Cas.

"I didn't mean it like it sounded." said Dean, "I mean, sometimes talking to me must make you every bit as crazy, right?"

Cas almost agreed, but then he looked at his friend's face, his eyes hidden in the hat's shadow and he thought what a good metaphor that was for the way Dean hid from most eyes, pretending to be so much less than he was, revealing the depth and breadth of his thoughts only to those few people that made up his varied and difficult family.

"I think it's worth the effort." he said.

"I never said you weren't." said Dean.

"I'll start the movie." said Cas.

"Cas, before you do, I need a promise that you won't let yourself fall into the hands of angels. You know you can't trust them. They don't care about you."

"It doesn't matter." said Cas, "They'll want the mind curse killed and they will find a way to do it."

"The two most obvious ways are to return you to factory settings or to kill you. Either way, that's you gone."

"The need may never arise."

"The need doesn't exist. If you try something so stupid, I'll call all remaining angels here myself and make them all dead."

"That would destroy Heaven." said Cas.

"So what you need to ask yourself is, would you wipe out Heaven to be rid of the mind curse?"

"What I need to ask myself is, how sane is someone willing to bring Heaven to a standstill to save one failed and fallen angel?"

"If you never go to them for their questionable help, neither of us will ever have to find that out." said Dean.

"You insisted we had to be free to make decisions the others consider suicidal." said Cas.

"I said I had to be free to. I never said you and Sam should get to."

"Does that seem fair to you?" said Cas.

"Yes. Anything where I get what I want seems fair to me."

"You want your mind back." Cas reminded him.

"Not at any price. Not if you have to die or be turned back into what you were."

"Was what I was that worthless?" said Cas.

"What you were would have killed me without a second thought." said Dean.

"And now I'd die for you and you don't like that either." said Cas.

"What can I say? I'm difficult to please. Just remember, you go to Heaven, I'll destroy it. And you know I can do it."

"I just want ... "

"I know." said Dean, "But that option is off the table."

"You're very controlling." said Cas.

"And I've killed almost as many angels as you have." said Dean, "Start the movie."

"No you haven't." said Cas.

"Then I have some catching up to do. Don't make me start now."

"We should stop talking again." said Cas.

"Have I made it clear where I stand on this?"

"Yes, I think you've been very clear." said Cas.

"Right, so Heaven is out." said Dean.

"Apparently." said Cas.

He started the movie. As the music started, he glanced at Dean. The light from the screen illuminated a determined expression. He wasn't sure Dean could wipe out the remaining angels, but he was sure that the plan to ask for Heaven's help would have to be an absolute last resort.


	37. Chapter 37

Dean knew the movie so well he barely needed to see it. Every word was in his head before the actor spoke it and he knew every gesture. It was comforting in its familiarity and that Cas had picked a movie he loved so much reassured him that they were still on the same page, despite everything.

The silence between them now felt a lot less strained and painful. The hats helped there, both giving them something to hide behind and uniting them in the shared geekdom. Sometimes, Cas felt alien and unknowable. Now, the distance between them seemed small and inconsequential.

Cas had promised not to go to Heaven and that made Dean feel a lot better. He didn't know if he had meant the threats he made against the angels, but he was a little afraid that he did. Cosmic consequences were a major argument against it, but that argument never held up well when his family happened to be at risk. For Sam or for Cas, he would burn galaxies.

Castiel knew that. He was aware that there was very little Dean would not do to protect him and hopefully, that would make it hard for him to go back on his word. For all that Heaven had done to him, Cas still cared and still tried to serve Heaven's best interests, although the details of what he believed those to be had changed over time.

As shots rang out to prevent the hanging, Dean noticed out of the corner of his eye that Cas touched the talisman he wore. Cas didn't use much in the way of body language. Angels did not fidget. When he did make some small gesture, it always seemed significant.

Dean almost said something, but this time, the "Shut up, Dean!" came from within. Nothing he said could change anything. He could lie and say he hoped the talisman would prevent any mind-sharing forever or he could tell the truth and start a discussion that would only distress Cas. Either way, it would be painful and wrong and silence was best.

He'd be fine, he knew. He'd been fine when his mother had died, fine when his father had died for him, fine in Hell, fine when he got out of Hell. He was very good at adapting to change, even very bad change and he would soon get used to the silence in his head, silence which, after all, had been the norm before the connection occurred.

Yes, the connection had given him an easy, automatic closeness to Cas, which was doubly good when talking to Cas was often such hard work, but maybe something good could come of the loss of it. Maybe he could make more of an effort to communicate with Cas by more conventional means and maybe he could just be more honest with him in general, until that feeling of closeness returned, without the creepy mind curse and the sharing of nightmares.

He wished he could feel Cas's feelings now, to know without having to ask what the angel was thinking and whether the curse had truly been hellish for him, but perhaps it was better not to know. He wanted to believe that something in it had been good for Cas and that he was not the only one with some ambivalent feelings about losing it. However, that seemed unlikely and the last thing he wanted was to have it confirmed that all direct contact with his mind was torment to Cas.

Sam thought the silence was messed up and he wasn't wrong, but maybe, if Sam knew the disordered mess in Dean's head, he too would see it as the lesser of two evils. Talking worked well for Sam. Sam had clarity and courage and most of the time, he wasn't lying to himself. Dean had so many levels of bluff and counter bluff in his head that he was never entirely sure what would come out of his mouth or whether he himself would believe it. Cas was vulnerable. Words could hurt him. Even if only Cas spoke, even if Cas spoke the absolute truth, any glance or lack of one in response could wound him without Dean ever meaning it to or knowing it had. 

They stood over a pit, into which either could fall at any moment. Dean felt a need to take the risk, but the pit was home to him. He'd survive. He'd be okay. After all the pain and death Castiel had suffered for one worthless, hopeless human, Dean had no intention of making him fall further or suffer more. 

He touched the talisman around his own neck. He hated it and he hated wearing it, but Cas needed him to and whatever Cas needed, he would do. He knew how often Cas had suffered for his friendship with the Winchesters and how often he had suffered unfair anger from Dean. They had not done nearly enough to even things up and it was time now to repay their huge debt.


	38. Chapter 38

It was getting late and most of the bunker folk were grabbing a bit of supper or heading to bed. Sam found more tasks to do than usual, and most of them involved some excuse to pass the door of the Dean Cave, but none offered a legitimate excuse to go in.

He didn't know which one he was most worried about, the angel whose plans for ridding himself of the mind curse were becoming increasingly self-destructive or the human who seemed to have lost hope. The fact that they were not talking troubled him a lot.

On one of his trips past the door, he found Jack outside. "Have you seen either of them since they went in there?" he asked in a whisper.

"No," said Jack, "But I'm trying to be around."

"Me too." said Sam.

"Should we just go in and ask questions?" said Jack.

"How likely do you think that is to work?" said Sam, "We'd just make things worse. At some point, Dean will have to sleep, or we won't know if the talismans work when he's not consciously exercising control."

"What if they don't work?" said Jack.

"Then we need to stop Cas from doing something stupid." said Sam, "Come on, we can take some precautions."

They went to the garage and Sam disabled the ignition on Cas's car. Jack watched. "What about the Impala?" he said.

"Dean will need that to collect Sarah." said Sam, "Cas is the flight risk this time. Dean's priority will be to stop him running to Heaven."

"Castiel may just take another car." said Jack.

"I think he'll just try to fix this one. There are advantages to having an angel to deal with. They're persistent, but rarely innovative." His phone announced a text. He checked it. 

The message was from Dean. Two words, "My room."

"Sounds like the movie is over." said Sam.

They went to Dean's room. Dean was on the bed, a cowboy hat beside him and Cas was standing in the corner furthest from the door, holding another hat.

"Was it a western?" said Sam.

"You might say THE western." said Dean, "It was good. It was fun. Even he liked it, didn't you, Cas?"

"Yes." said Cas. The single syllable sounded as if it had been dragged from an unwilling throat and forced to face a public for which it was nowhere near ready.

"And you two are still not talking?" said Sam.

"We're fine." said Dean, "But now it's time to see if this talisman works when I'm asleep. Cas has promised not to go to Heaven, but I need to know you will do anything short of killing him to prevent it anyway. I'm not going to sleep without knowing that. I've already told him, I'll kill every angel that's left if he takes one step heavenward."

The look Cas gave Dean suggested that when they did start long conversations again, he had a lot to say.

"Heaven is unnecessary." said Sam, "We have better options, don't we, Jack. Anyway, you'd better get some sleep, Dean."

"Yeah." said Dean.

"Cas, we should leave him in peace." said Sam.

Dean looked doubtful.

"What's wrong?" said Sam.

"It's difficult to sleep, under these circumstances."

"I could help." said Cas.

"Yeah, but I need to dream or we won't know if it works."

"I can put you to sleep without stopping your dreams." said Cas.

"And if it failed and you went to Heaven or anywhere else stupid ... "

"You don't trust me?" said Cas.

"I want to trust you." said Dean.

"The effects of not talking, Jack." said Sam, "This is why we don't do silence. Dean, just let him zap you."

"Okay." said Dean. He looked at Cas. "Do it." 

Cas walked over to stand beside the bed. "No fear this time. Of course, only you know whether that's because it's not there or because I can no longer perceive it." He reached out his hand. He and Sam both saw the look in Dean's eyes. "No," he said, "You are afraid."

"Are you sensing that or seeing it?" said Dean.

"Seeing it." said Cas, "Dean, are you afraid of me?"

"No, Cas, of course not."

"Then of what?" said Cas.

"Talking about it now would not be likely to make my dreams good." said Dean.

"Bad dreams may transmit more easily." said Sam, "Maybe talking about it is a good idea."

"Just put me to sleep, Cas." said Dean.

"Why won't you tell me what it's about? You were going to before."

"I can't. Not tonight." said Dean, I promise, we can talk about this another time, all of us, but not now. It's not about you. Just put me to sleep. Let's ask the one question we all care about and get a complete answer."

Cas hesitated.

"Please." said Dean.

"Okay, sleep. Dream. I hope the keys work." said Cas. His hand seemed to shake a little as he put Dean to sleep.

"Are you okay, Cas?" said Sam.

"Invariably." said Cas.

"Do you think he will talk about the fear?" said Jack.

"Get him to talk to Sarah. She'll get to the truth."

"She may not tell us." said Jack, "Confidentiality."

"Doesn't matter." said Sam, "She'll help him deal with whatever's on his mind. We don't need to know. We just need to know he has someone to help him, right, Cas?"

"Right." said Cas. He looked a little lost.

"Do you have something to do or somewhere to be?" said Sam.

"No." said Cas, "I'll read in the library."

"Haven't you read everything in there by now?" said Jack.

"We can make some coffee, sit with you." said Sam.

"You need your sleep." said Cas, "And the thought of both of you watching me all night is disturbing."

"Fine, but if you need me, I'm only a text away." said Sam.

"Me too." said Jack.

"I'm fine." said Cas. He headed off to the library. 

Sam looked down at his sleeping brother. "Don't worry, Dean. I'll make sure Cas is okay, whatever happens."

"Of course, if the talismans do work, Dean will be the one we have to worry about." said Jack.

"Do you ever not worry about both of them?" said Sam.

"No, I don't think so." said Jack.

"Tomorrow, we'll leave Dean in Sarah's capable hands and you and I will take Cas somewhere and distract him."

"He's not easy to distract." said Jack.

"Nothing is ever easy for us. You should know that by now." said Sam.


	39. Chapter 39

It was just after 3 am and Cas was still in the library, pretending to read. His head was full of confusion. He both wanted and dreaded some share in Dean's dreams. The key around his neck felt heavier than it should and the chain rubbed on his skin. He wanted to take it off, but he could not. He let himself feel the power surrounding it, the feeling of the selfless love of a good man, a man whose name he had not found in any of the books he had looked in. The energy, though, did not feel deceptive. It felt pure and honest and kind. In the midst of his discomfort, it felt as if Rhydian were reaching out to him, offering him some peace.

Unexpectedly, a mug appeared in front of him on the table and Jules sat down opposite him with a mug of her own. "You looked like you might need coffee." she said.

"That was kind of you." he said.

"I hope I made it right." she said.

"There's no wrong way to make coffee." he said. He took a sip. "And that's perfect."

"You're looking very anxious for someone who has a birthday party to look forward to." she said, "Are you worried about the party? Because people like you a lot, Cas. You have a lot of friends here, not just the Winchesters."

Her smile was warm. He liked her a lot. He could understand why Dean was so attracted to her. "The party will be good." he said, "Sarah gave me some clothes to wear."

"I really want to meet Sarah. She sounds lovely."

"She is." said Cas, "You two have a lot in common. I think you will be friends."

"We will." said Jules, "So if it's not the party, what is it. I know you think I won't understand. I can't fathom angelic problems, but I'm a great listener."

"Don't think that." said Cas, "In truth, you probably understand it all a lot better than I do. It's just not entirely my story to tell and that means I have to handle it alone." He saw a look in her eyes he couldn't quite interpret. He hoped he hadn't offended her.

"Is that why you spend so much time on your own?" she said.

"I try not to get in the way." he said.

She smiled at him again. "You're never in the way. You've helped me a lot with my Enochian. The Winchesters rely on you a lot."

"Ask Dean sometime how many times I've let them down."

"Dean doesn't seem the type to forgive someone who always lets him down." she said.

"Dean is very tolerant." said Cas.

Jack came in. "Tomorrow, after Dean and I have helped Sarah set things up for the party, Sam and I are taking you out."

"Out as in out of the bunker or out as in the way gangsters do it?" said Cas.

Jules laughed. "You're funny." she said.

He smiled. "I am?"

Jack had an odd smile on his face. "I'll go somewhere else."

"How's Dean?" said Cas.

"We left him to sleep." said Jack, "I think I'll watch some Netflix."

When he'd gone, Cas said, "Sorry about Jack. He can be a little socially awkward."

"It can't be easy." she said, "It's good that he has you to guide him. You must understand better than anyone. It's not always easy for you either, is it?"

"It would be a lot harder without Sam and Dean." said Cas. He took another sip of his coffee. "Harder without you too." he said, "Working with you is very rewarding."

"I like working with you, Cas." she said, "And whatever's on your mind, I hope it works out for you. If you ever decide you can talk about it, I'll always listen."

"I've made mistakes. I've been selfish. I should be glad about something good happening for someone I care about, but I keep thinking too much about myself."

"Feelings are complicated." she said.

"I can know the interactions of every particle in every sun in the universe, but human emotions confuse me all the time."

"They confuse us too." said Jules, "Anyone who tells you they have it all figured out is a liar. We're all just floundering through life, hoping we don't mess up too badly."

"That's a reassuring thought." he said.

"And I don't think you've been selfish. I think you just think any thought spent on yourself is inherently selfish. People like you ... "

"I'm not people. Not even close."

"You're people to me." she said, "People like you always put others first. You don't know how to be selfish."

"Dean's right about you. You are special. I'm very glad that we are friends. We are friends, aren't we?"

"Of course we are." she said, "We're good friends."

"If I could talk about it, I'd tell you everything." he said.

"That's a sweet thing to say." she said.

"Do you like cowboy hats?" he asked.

She smiled. "I think I'll love anything you wear."

"Even if I wore this coat?" he said.

She patted his sleeve. "I like the coat. The coat is very Castiel."

"And that's a good thing?"

"That's a great thing." she said.


	40. Chapter 40

Dean opened his eyes at a light touch on his forehead. Cas looked grave, even for him. Dean knew his dreams had not been pleasant and he hoped and dreaded that the talisman had failed.

"Good morning." he said. Sam stood in the doorway behind Cas. He looked preoccupied too. "Something wrong?" said Dean.

"How were your dreams?" said Cas.

"If you don't already know, I say we count it as a success." said Dean, "The talisman's worked. We're free of the curse. Things can go back to normal."

"Yes," said Cas, "But how were your dreams?"

"Same as usual." said Dean. There was no need to confess that they included the talisman putting a wall of fire between him and Cas. "No better, no worse." he said.

"Good." said Sam, "Dean dreamed, Cas didn't share the dreams. Rhydian wins. Everyone's happy."

"Yeah, everything's great." said Dean, "Things are okay now, right, Cas? No need for Heaven. You're free."

"We're both free." said Cas, "Your mind is once again your Fortress of Solitude."

"A Superman reference?" said Dean.

"Blame Jack. He's been watching some very strange things recently." said Cas.

"Where is Jack?" said Dean, "I expected the full posse."

"I'm not sure." said Cas, "He went to his room to watch Netflix last night. I think he felt a bit awkward around Jules."

"He never has before." said Dean.

Sam smiled. "The way I heard it, Jack felt Jules and Cas didn't need any extra people hanging around."

"Why not?" said Cas.

"Two's company, three's a crowd." said Dean, "Five, you're getting into orgy territory. Not that there's anything wrong with that."

"Three's not much of a crowd." said Cas, "It's not even a throng. It's barely a gathering. And if three is excessive, how many will be at the party?"

Sam sighed. "Cas, Jack just thought you and Jules were enjoying each other's company."

"We were." said Cas, "But we like Jack too."

Dean got out of bed. "Sam, I think you may need to give him the talk."

"Which talk? The one Dad gave me, the one Bobby gave me or the one you gave me?"

"Okay, get Mom to give him the talk. Cas is not ready for any of those."

"No, I didn't think he was."

"What talk are you two talking about?" said Cas.

Dean grinned at him. "That uncertainty, isn't that the best feeling? With the mind curse active, you'd already have heard all three talks."

"It's good to see you happy again." said Cas, "Even if you are saying nothing that makes any sense."

"Okay, let's keep it simple. Are you attracted to Jules?"

"Jules is very attractive."

"Yes, she is." said Dean.

"But obviously, I would never act upon any such attraction."

"Why not?" said Sam.

Cas smiled. "She's a little beyond my reach, wouldn't you say? Besides, Dean likes her."

"I what?" said Dean.

"Dean, you've done nothing but praise her recently. I'm not the quickest at reading such things, but I know no other woman gets so much of your attention."

"But you were going to make a move at the party." said Dean.

"No, I'm going to dance at the party. And I was hoping you would dance with Jules."

"Mom said you talked to her about Jules." said Sam.

"About Jules and Dean and how I was trying to lay the groundwork for them because Dean is, for some reason, hesitating." said Cas.

"What, in all the years we've known each other, made you think I needed someone's help to make a move?"

"The fact that you didn't." said Cas, "This will make the party very awkward, because she really likes you."

"Did she say that?" said Dean.

"She said you were a hunters' hunter." said Cas.

"Yeah, that's not love. That's respect." said Dean.

"Love without respect would be worthless." said Cas.

"I think maybe he should be giving you the talk, Dean." said Sam.

Dean pointedly ignored him. "Cas, it's good that you wanted to do a good thing for me and it's great that you think women automatically like me, but I really think Jules likes you a lot more."

"According to Jack, she seemed absolutely charmed by you." said Sam.

"Jack is not exactly an expert." said Cas.

"Jack sees people without all the misdirections. Jack is uncomplicated." said Sam.

"Please let her down gently." said Cas, "Don't humiliate her at the party, if I have inadvertently given her the wrong impression."

"Don't worry. I won't. But I think she sees me as part of the furniture."

"She sees you as one of the best hunters." said Cas.

"Yeah, well, we all know that's no recommendation for romance." said Dean.

"She was very kind to me last night. She saw I was troubled and she brought me coffee. We talked a lot." said Cas. 

Dean could imagine the reason for her kindness going right over Cas's head, but the other thing worried him. "Why were you troubled?" he said.

Cas instantly avoided eye contact. "Weren't we all troubled that the Keys of Rhydian wouldn't work?"

"Did you tell her about them?" said Dean.

"No, I told her nothing about any of it." said Cas.

Dean tried to see any hint in Cas's eyes of how he felt now, but the talismans and the evasive angel were doing their jobs too well. He changed the subject back to a safer one. "You make sure you ask her to dance." he said.

"She's not interested in me." said Cas.

"I think she is." said Dean, "But you go at your own pace. I'll try not to interfere, even though I would love to see you find someone."

"Do you want breakfast?" Sam asked Dean.

"No, I should get ready to pick Sarah up." said Dean, "I just need a shower and some presentable clothes." 

"That could take some time." said Sam.

"Bitch." said Dean.

"Jerk." said Sam.

"You were going to tell us about that fear." said Cas.

"Later." said Dean.

"Later with you often means never." said Cas.

"Yeah, I'm unreliable." said Dean, "I'll see you two later. If you see Jack, send him to the car."

"Leave it, Cas." said Sam, "He'll tell us eventually."


	41. Chapter 41

Jack was waiting by the car when Dean got there. "There's one stop I need to make on the way." said Dean.

"To get Castiel's present?" said Jack.

"That's right."

After that, Dean asked questions about car maintenance and Jack grinned as he got one after another right. It was a good way to pass the time and an excellent way not to talk about anything that mattered.

They went to a small family business in an ordinary little town that nobody else at the bunker had probably heard of. Dean had chosen an obscure place and it made him smile that he was so anxious to keep it quiet, when he knew that Cas would show the gift to the others. That didn't matter. He wasn't ashamed of it, he just wanted Cas to see it before they knew what it was.

He went in and found a young man minding the store. "Good morning." he said, "I'm Ted Nugent. You have something for me."

"I do." said the man, "I'll get it. I hope the inscription's okay. Dad and I don't speak Latin."

Dean waited anxiously as the man went into a back room to get it. When he came out, he put a gift box onto the counter. "I like the silver ones. Classy, but understated." he said.

Dean nodded. "Yeah, silver's popular in our family." He opened the box and held the lighter in his hand, turning it over, admiring the workmanship and proofreading the Latin. He was relieved to find it correct. "It's beautiful work." he said, "And the Latin is perfect."

"Good." said the man, "Is it for your son?" He glanced out the window at Jack, sitting in the car.

Dean smiled. "It's for a guy who saved my life." He put the money on the counter and added more. "You did a great job. Thanks."

"You know where to come, if you want anything else like that." said the man.

"Yeah, I think I'll be back." said Dean.

He got back into the car and put the box in his pocket. He hoped it wasn't a stupid present. Cas probably didn't need a lighter, but a hunter should have one and he might need the few words of Latin sometime. He decided to ask Sarah her opinion.

Jack didn't ask what it was. Sometimes, he was very good at staying out of the way and letting Dean decide how much he should know about whatever was going on.

When he arrived at the farm, Sarah was looking out of the window. She opened the front door and he and Jack hurried to meet her. "Are we late?" he said.

"No, not at all." she said, "I'm just very excited about seeing your bunker and meeting Mary and everything else. I love parties!" She took them both by an arm and led them into the kitchen. Food was everywhere, all on plates and trays and smelling delicious. "I made a start on the food. Don't worry. We won't take this today. I still have a lot more to do. Will you be coming to get me tomorrow?" 

"I will," said Dean, "And if you need more transport for all your friends here, I can get as many cars and pickups organised as you need." He looked at the food, breathed in the delicious aroma and said, "This is wonderful."

"You look hungry, Dean." she said, "Go on, try some. I won't tell."

"Are you sure?" he said. 

"Did you miss breakfast?"

"Did Sam tell tales?" he said.

"So you did miss breakfast."

"We left a little early. I needed to get out of there for a while."

"I had breakfast." said Jack.

"You're young and active. You need extra fuel." said Sarah, "Grab some." She looked at Dean. "Did the talismans work?" she said, starting to fill a plate with varied snacks for him.

"They worked." said Dean.

Her eyes searched his, making him feel very uncomfortable. After a long time, she put the plate in his hands and said, "So you now have the connection thing under control? That must be a relief to both of you."

"Yes, it is." he said. He ate a sausage roll. "You are a great cook!" he said.

"I love to cook." she said, "I never get enough opportunities, these days. Now, I have a lot of decorations to move and a lot of costumes. I know you have a fine collection of Western gear, but I suspect a lot of your friends don't, being refugees and all. I have heaps of spares. We'll get everyone looking good."

"Just one tiny clarification." said Dean, "You have nothing to move. You have things to point at and Jack and I will move them for you."

"Because I'm a little old lady?" she said.

"No, because we are gentlemen." he said.

She smiled. "You are, aren't you? It's sweet of you both."

"We all want Castiel to have a good birthday." said Jack.

"It's a real shame that he doesn't eat," said Dean, "Because this food is delicious!"

"You'll have to eat extra." she said.

"I can handle that." he said.

When they had both finished their taste test of the food, they began to load the car. As they carried the sound equipment to the car, Sarah followed them, saying, "In the old days, we had live music, but I can't arrange that now."

"Don't worry," said Dean, "We'll see what we can do for the next one."

She chuckled as he arranged the equipment in Baby's spacious trunk.

"What?" he said.

"According to Sam, you didn't think parties were a great idea and here you are, on the decorating committee and already planning the next one."

"For the record, I think anything that makes Cas happy is a great idea." he said, "That's why I'm now wearing this bling." He showed her the talisman. 

She touched it. "Oh, that looks very interesting. Amazing to think it has so much power."

"Castiel thinks it might be celestial." said Dean, "The enchantment, at least."

"Is it comfortable to wear?" she said and he heard all the other questions she sneaked in with that one.

He looked at Jack, then back at her. "It's fine." he said.

"I think Jack can fetch the costumes." she said, "I think you and I should talk." She led him back into the house. "I know you'll just keep saying everything's fine and I accept that you feel you have to say that. I just want you to know it doesn't fool me and you don't need to lie to me. Any time you want to just tell me what's really going on in that stubborn head of yours, I'm here."

"Thanks. And thanks for whatever you said to Cas yesterday. He says you helped him a lot."

"All I did was help him a little with the subtitles." she said, "He thought you hate his coat. I told him, you just want him to feel safe enough to take it off occasionally."

"And you at least persuaded him to wear a hat to the party." said Dean.

"No. No persuasion necessary. I just gave him advice on which hat looked best. He's trying very hard. He just doesn't know all the rules. The black hat really brings out the blue in his eyes."

"I need an opinion." he said.

"On your choice of clothes?" she said, "Just pick something comfortable to dance in."

"Yeah, I believe I said I don't dance."

"Agreeing to would shut me up." she said.

"I have no wish to shut you up." he said, "Even less wish to dance. I want your opinion on my present for Cas." He took out the box and opened it.

Sarah picked up the lighter. "It's a quality piece." she said.

"Do you think it's the right thing for him. I don't know if you speak Latin ..."

"Enough to know what that says." she said.

"Do you think it's too much?"

"I think it's perfect and brave of you to put it in writing when you so rarely wear your heart on your sleeve."

"Well, most people don't speak Latin."

"Castiel does and Sam does." she said.

"I had to get Sam to translate it for me. I gave him a lot of other phrases too, to throw him off the scent."

"If you're going to those lengths, are you sure you want to give it to him with that clearly written on it?"

"Yeah. I didn't want Sam asking any questions, but I think Cas needs it in writing. After all he's been through, I needed to put it in writing. He forgives me everything, you know, even the stuff I would never forgive."

"Just as you have forgiven him every mistake."

"He knows some of the worst that happened in Hell and he still sees me as human. I stopped feeling human a long time ago."

"You're still human, very human. That's why it hurts so much." she put the lighter back into the box. "Dean, he will treasure this forever."

He put it in his pocket. "Thanks."

Jack came to them, carrying a bag. "Are these clothes to go, too?" he said.

"Those, Jack, are for you." she said, "Try them on when you get home. You are a fraction taller than my Carl, but similar in shape. If they fit you, you can keep them." She looked at Dean, "Are you going to blindfold me for the trip to your top secret bunker?"

He smiled. "I don't think that's necessary.


	42. Chapter 42

Cas was not a huge fan of guns, so when he had filled a target's head with holes in the range, he did ask himself whether it was possible he was not making the most constructive use of the emotional energy he was trying not to feel.

He didn't need to practice. Aiming was easy. He'd never understood why humans had to learn to do it. He had no good reason at all for wasting the ammunition. He couldn't even have explained to anyone why it felt so good to obliterate something when he was a servant of creation. But then, Creation had pretty much ditched him.

He cleaned the gun and put it away. He decided he needed some better way to get his mind on something else. He took out his phone and texted Jules. "Are you busy?"

She soon replied, "Coffee? Kitchen?"

"Perfect." he sent back. By the time he reached the kitchen, she was sitting at the table with two mugs of coffee. She slid one over to him.

"I looked for you earlier." she said.

"Firing range." he said.

"Oh." she said. 

He knew the ebb and flow of human conversation enough to know that he was getting it wrong. It felt awkward and unfriendly and bordering on painful. "Sorry." he said, "I am really bad at this."

"At what?" she said.

"At any form of interaction other than combat." he said.

She smiled. "Are you asking me for a fight, Cas?"

"No!" he said, then he realised she was joking. "I am really, really bad at this. I should never inflict myself on you."

"I told you. It's not easy for anyone. You know that constant stream of doubt, regret and embarrassment playing in your head when you try to talk to someone?"

"How do you know about that?" he said.

"I get it too. We all do. Except pyschopaths. Things are easier for them. I'm glad you're not a psychopath."

"I'm not sure I am." he said, "It sounds like life is much better for them."

"It's not. They feel fine about everything because they don't really connect with anyone. Nobody else is real to them. Nobody else matters. Imagine life without friendship. I'll take embarrassment over isolation every time."

"Put like that, so would I." said Cas. He touched the key around his neck. Again, the energy felt personal, familiar, as if the maker cared about him specifically. "Jules, could I ask a favour?"

"Of course." she said.

"You're one of the best researchers we have. Could you try to find out about Rhydian? He created talismans."

"Do we know what field of magic he was active in?" she asked.

"Not Goetian, doesn't feel truly Enochian. Sam or Jack can tell you where to start. I just want to know more about him, his knowledge, associations, intentions. Anything you can find out."

"Is it to do with Michael?" she asked.

"Some of his work could be useful against Michael." he said, "He knew something about angelic powers."

"I'll do what I can." she said.

He saw her bright smile and thought about his conversation with Dean and Sam. "There is one other favour I'd like to ask." he said.

"What?" she said.

"Would you dance with me at the party tomorrow?" he said, hoping it wasn't a completely inappropriate request.

Her smile just became warmer. "Yes, I'd love to." she said.

He had not expected her to be quite so pleased to be asked. He began to wonder whether the Winchesters might be right, but asking her directly if she liked him seemed both needy and intrusive. He wasn't even sure what to do if the answer were in the affirmative. Dean wanted him to find someone, but that had never gone well in the past.

"Thankyou." he said, wishing he could sound smooth.

"Did you think I'd say no?" she said.

"It seemed likely." he admitted.

She looked at him for a moment, her expression unreadable by him. Then she said, "People like you a lot more than you think, Cas. You'll find that out at the party."

"People don't always find me easy to relate to." he said, "I am somewhat socially awkward."

"I find you very easy to relate to." she said.

"I should tell you, I may have unintentionally misled you a little about Dean." he said.

"You mean when you keep talking about him all the time?" she said.

"Yes." he said.

"I did get the wrong idea, but I asked Dean if you two were involved."

"Involved in what?"

"Involved with each other ... together."

"Oh." said Cas.

"And he explained that you don't know many people, so you talk a lot about the few you do know. That makes sense."

Although that had not been what he meant, he was relieved that Dean had given her an explanation she could accept. "Dean often has to explain for me." he said.

"I think you're very important to the Winchesters." she said.


	43. Chapter 43

Sam went with Bobby and Mark to move the vehicles in the garage, making as much space for tables and dancing as possible. It was the largest open space available and seemed perfect for the party.

When all that was done, he went to his room and began to read Lazarus Rising, trying to prepare himself to read it with his mother. He still felt bad about trusting Ruby and he was sure Dean had not really forgiven it either. His reasons for not wanting Dean to read that one were as much self-preservation as a wish to protect Dean. He didn't want any reminders of those difficult times to bring back all the anger and resentment of the past.

Reading about Dean's return from Hell was weird. He had heard the story from Dean and from Bobby, but he had never realised how terrifying and confusing it had been for Dean at the time.

It helped to be reading the book at a time when Sarah was expected very soon. He could not lose his composure and he also would not have time to read too much.

He knew things would have been different, had Dean never gone to Hell to save him from death. Dean had always felt worthless to a degree, though to Sam, he had always seemed like the centre of the universe, but it was Hell that had made him hate himself. Without those few months, which had been decades for Dean, he would have suffered a lot less.

Of course, without the damnation, there would have been no need for angelic intervention. They would never have met Cas and Castiel would have remained one of Heaven's drones, incapable of independent thought and ready to kill without question.

He didn't know which one he considered better off, Dean without the self-loathing or Dean with Cas. He wanted to erase Hell for Dean even more than he wished he could do it for himself, but would he have used his hypothetical time machine to save Dean from forty years of Hell if it would mean he would never have his best friend? Of that, he was unsure.

He wanted to talk to someone, but Dean, Jack and Sarah were together and he wasn't ready for that group therapy session and Cas was at his most vulnerable and needed nobody else's problems. Going to his mother to talk about Hell seemed unfair too. He knew he should handle it alone for now. Dean would tell him to just bury it as deep as it would go and deal with it if and when it burrowed back up.

He went to the library. Cas was there, sitting in silence, no book for once, fiddling with the talisman around his neck. "Are you okay?" said Sam.

"I'm not taking it off." said Cas.

"I never thought you were." said Sam. He sat opposite Cas. "This is temporary." he said.

"Until we find a permanent fix." said Cas.

"Or decide we don't need one. That's always an option." said Sam.

"You know that it isn't." said Cas.

"I know you think it isn't." said Sam, "But I also know things change, often dramatically. So we always try to keep an open mind."

"I accept this as the price I have to pay to stay here and stay alive." said Cas, "I don't have to offer myself for smiting, because this lump of silver makes me harmless."

"You know Dean and I would never have let you do that." said Sam, "And you're not dangerous, just afflicted."

"Change is hard." said Cas, "And angels adapt slowly." Sam thought it sounded like he was quoting Sarah. "I will be fine. I am fine."

"You're Winchester fine." said Sam, "And that's not the same thing at all."

"You don't seem too fine yourself." said Cas, "You know my troubles. Time to share yours."

"Mine are all in the past." said Sam.

"They seem to be bothering you now." said Cas.

"For once in your life, Cas, put yourself first."

"Sarah says I have to tomorrow."

"I say you have to now. You were created for service, but not our service. You're not a servant now, not here."

"Servants care very little for their masters, but brothers ... "

Sam nodded. "Yeah, I know. We're lucky to have you, Cas."

Cas smiled. "I'd accept a thousand curtailing talismans to keep your friendship and his."

"I'll do all I can to find a better solution." Sam promised, "We'll make this work for both of you."

"Dean has to be the priority."

"He says you are." said Sam.

"That's why he has to be. You know he will always sacrifice his own best interests for ours." said Cas.

Maggie ran into the library. "They're here and you should see the stuff they've brought!"

Sam smiled. "Cas, Jack and I are taking you away. Nobody should have to set up their own party."

"I need to speak to Sarah first." said Cas.

"Of course. And then, we must introduce her to Mom."


	44. Chapter 44

  
On arrival at the garage with Sam and Maggie, Cas saw Dean hauling stuff from the back seat while Jack got things out of the trunk and Sarah paced the length of the garage, nodding and smiling. 

Cas went over to her. "Hello, Sarah." he said.

She hugged him. "How are you, Castiel?" she said.

He looked across at Dean, who was arranging a pile of gingham cloth in the corner. "Can we be somewhere that isn't here?" he whispered.

Sarah followed the direction of his gaze. "Show me your secret bunker." she said. She called across to Dean and said, "I'm seizing the opportunity to snoop around, if you're sure you don't need my help."

"You're the brains, we're the grunts." said Dean, "And we fully understand your instructions. Snoop away."

Cas led her from the garage.

"Is it that bad?" she asked.

"No. Sorry. I had no intention of alarming you." he said, "I just needed to ask if Dean has said anything to you."

"My home is nearly thirty minutes away. It would be odd if he said nothing."

"He can say nothing for hundreds of miles when he wants to." said Cas.

"If you two have quarreled, the day before the party, I am going to be deeply disappointed." she said.

"Twice, when I have been putting him to sleep, he has been afraid." said Cas.

"He hates it. You know that."

"No, not hating it, not uneasy, afraid as if he is about to die. Actually, when he is about to die, he exhibits less fear."

"You know what I am going to say."

"I tried asking him. He promised to talk about it later."

"It's later. Ask him again."

"Later means never to a Winchester." he said.

She looked around as they approached the map table. "Oh, this is very B movie."

"Yes. Dean is very proud of it." he said. He gestured to Bobby, who had stood up quickly, "Sarah, this is Bobby Singer, who was a one-man army in Apocalypse World."

She smiled at him, "It's a privilege to meet you, sir."

"Likewise." said Bobby, "Everyone is excited about the party. It's a great idea."

"I hope you dance." she said.

"We all dance." he said, "Entertainment was limited where we come from."

"Is anyone in the kitchen?" Cas asked Bobby.

"I don't think so." said Bobby.

Cas led the way, happy to see her eyes widen at every new sight. He was glad that the bunker impressed her.

When they got to the kitchen, he said, "I will introduce you to the others. I just wanted a few minutes to talk alone."

"I understand." she said, "Dean told me the talismans worked. I known that's not wholly good news for you."

"As I told you, I can be happy about it. I can be happy that he is happy and that things are normal again. I can focus on the positives."

"But your heart is broken." she said.

He smiled, trying to seem reassuring. "Cracked a little, perhaps. I may need to spend more time with the bees for a while and more time with you and time away from this place and everyone in it."

"Especially Dean?"

"I don't know." he said, "It depends on how well I can fake enthusiasm. If he doubts me, I will need to get away."

"You seem afraid." she said, "You seem terrified. Is it possible that Dean is feeling the same fear? Maybe he's afraid of the same things."

"Please try to find out. I don't mean to report back to me. I don't need to know." She looked doubtful. He revised his statement. "My need to know is emotional, not actual. All that matters is that someone is able to help him."

"I know there's a lot on his mind. I'll see what I can do. As for the rest, you know you can come to the farm any time you like."

Mary came in. She immediately saw Sarah and offered a handshake. "You must be Sarah. I'm Mary Winchester."

Sarah shook her hand. "It's lovely to meet you. Dear Castiel is going to show me his room and then I should come back here and get to know you properly."

"I'd like that." said Mary, "I'll make some coffee."

Cas led Sarah to his room. He opened the door and she went in and looked at his simple furnishings. "I know it doesn't look right." he said.

"If you like it, it's fine." she said.

"I like it. It feels like home." he said, following her in.

"It is your home. Your family are around you here. That won't change."

"Everything changes, if you live long enough." he said. He closed the door. "I asked Jules to dance with me at the party."

"Jules the genius?"

"Yes."

"I hope she said yes."

"She did. We're good friends now. I thought she and Dean were attracted to each other, but it seems I was mistaken. Dean thinks she may be attracted to me."

"Does that trouble you?" she said.

"I never expected it." he said.

"Try not to worry about it." she said, "A dance is just a dance. It's not a proposal of marriage. If your relationship develops, that's good, but if it doesn't, you'll still have a good friend."

"Relationships between angels and humans are complicated."

"All relationships are complicated, especially if you use your head when your heart knows the way to go."

"What if your heart is an idiot?" he said.

She smiled. "Your heart was wise enough to choose Dean Winchester as a friend."


	45. Chapter 45

Sam was helping in the garage, obeying Dean's instructions and smiling, when Dean wasn't looking, at the way in which he treated the setting up of whimsical decorations and festive lighting as if it were a trap for some supernatural creature. He gave commands and expected them to be followed immediately by Sam and Jack and they both fell into line, through habit and, at least in Sam's case, nostalgia.

Maggie was fixing large bows of ribbon everywhere and Dean gave no commands to her. It seemed that she was undisputed queen of everything he considered too feminine for him to deal with. She was enjoying her reign and hummed quietly to herself as she worked.

"Where are you two taking Cas?" said Dean.

"Wilson Reservoir." said Sam, "Jack's never been in a boat."

"That's not a bad idea." said Dean, "Cas could use some peace and quiet."

"How about you? What do you need?"

Dean turned away and moved a lighting cable higher. For a moment, Sam thought he was going to ignore him, but then he turned back and said, "You know what I need. I need to be here, with Sarah."

Sam nodded. "Dean, I know you don't ... "

"Sam, don't. I don't care what you think you know. Cas needs to know he can trust me. So keep your own doubts to yourself."

"I don't doubt that we can all trust you." said Sam, "But ... "

Dean raised a hand in front of Sam's face. "No buts. Get your but out of here."

"So we just pretend you're fine with everything?"

"It's Cas, Sam, we owe him. I owe him. Look, you think I want creepy psychic stuff going on?"

"Well, you just admitted to pretending." said Sam.

Dean looked at him. "You don't look great, Sam. Maybe you need to deal with your own issues before you invent more for me."

"And what issues would those be?" said Sam.

Dean's smirk told him he had just been played. Dean was a master of distraction.

"Okay. I'll leave you to Sarah. You can't play that kind of game with her."

"Have you said anything to her about ... " Dean glanced at Maggie, who was concentrating on her work some distance away, "About anything?"

"Do you think I need to? She reads you like a book, Dean."

"She may think she does ... "

"Yeah, she does." said Sam, "Please, just let her. You can't talk to me or Cas or Jack or Mom, so just talk to Sarah."

"I talk to all of you. Hell, I overshare."

"Then what was all that about last night?"

"All what?" said Dean.

"You're unbelievable. You promised to tell us."

Dean nodded. He took Sam over to the Impala. "Your job today is to take care of Cas and make sure he's okay. I'm fine."

"Last night ... "

"Last night I was about to be zapped to sleep by someone who might then see every moment of every dream. Even you wouldn't like that and it freaked me out. But I couldn't tell him that, could I? 

"You've had since last night and that's all you can come up with? Just for once, you could treat me like I'm not seven years old."

"Just for once, you could give me a day without your endless interrogations." said Dean.

Jules came into the garage. Dean stepped away from Sam, clearly not wanting to be so obviously trying to intimidate him. Jules seemed to notice something, but she smiled at both and said, "Sam, do you have a second."

"A second?" said Dean, "He barely has a first!"

"What is it?" said Sam, walking away from Dean with her.

"I'd like to see your documentation on Rhydian."

"Why?" said Sam, a little too fast and a little too flustered. "Did Dean ask you to look into Rhydian? Because there isn't a lot there. We just found out that the talismans existed, really. It's not like we found his whole life story."

"It wasn't Dean who asked me. It was Cas." she said, "Just give me whatever you've got. I'm good at chasing fragments."

"I know you are." he said, inwardly starting to panic. "Why is Cas interested?"

"He said Rhydian might have had something we could use against Michael." said Jules.

"What's the problem?" said Dean, "The more we know about him, the more likely we are to find something useful. If anyone can find something, it's Jules.

That was true, but she was a lot more likely to find that there was nothing to find, because Rhydian had never existed.

"Today I am super busy." said Sam, "I can't give it to you right now."

"I understand." she said, "I can wait." She smiled at Dean and then said quietly to Sam, "There's something else. Something private."

He went with her into the corridor. "What is it?" he said.

"You know a lot about angels and one angel in particular."

"If you're about to ask me what to get him for his birthday, I have given all the suggestions I can think of." said Sam.

"No, I have his present. I was just wondering, is it inappropriate to think of angels in terms of ... What I mean is, do angels and humans ever ... I mean, they must, because nephilim. Not that I can imagine him ever letting a nephilim come into being."

"Oh, I see." said Sam, "Well, obviously, in their true form they're ... "

"Junkless?" said Jules.

"Yes, but in human vessels, they can and do have relations with humans. In Gabriel's case, with a disturbing number of humans."

"And do you think it's right or wrong?"

"Jules, I once had a thing with a demon. I am in no position to judge. I can only say that Cas is human in everything that counts and I would love to see him happy. But I should also warn you that angels are hard work."

"What do you mean?" she said.

"About 90% of the stuff humans understand automatically goes right over his head. In any relationship with Cas, romantic or not, you have to constantly ask yourself, 'Did he understand that?' Better yet, ask him. He won't be offended and it's a lot better than just hoping he knows what's going on."

"Yes, I do often ask him. He's very sweet about it. He asked me to dance with him at the party. I'm not sure if it's just two friends together or if he wants something more. I don't want to offend him or be inappropriate, but sometimes it feels like there is a real, reciprocal attraction there. Don't say anything to Dean. He'll just laugh at me."

"I don't think he will. He's been encouraging Cas to find someone. You may need to be a little proactive. You may need to make the first move. You may need to make every move. Like I said, hard work. It could be worth it, though. My friendship with Cas has been."

"That's the other thing. We are good friends and I don't want to mess that up."

"The good thing about someone as socially awkward as Cas is that he has a lot of understanding for other people's awkwardness." said Sam. He saw Sarah approaching and said, "Sarah, this is Jules. Jules speaks about ten languages and knows a lot about magic."

"Castiel says she's a genius." said Sarah, "It's good to finally meet you, dear. I was wondering if you could help me with the sound system. Apparently you're skilled with electronic equipment too."

"Happy to help." said Jules, "I want this party to be perfect. Cas deserves it. Paul wants to say a few words."

"I think a lot of people will." said Sarah, "Now, Sam, is your brother still in there?"

"Yes." said Sam.

"Good. I've spoken to your mother, who is a delight and now I need a long chat with your brother, who is a stubborn old mule, but I love a challenge. Jules, dear, I'll show you where I want the sound system and then you can deal with that while I talk to Dean."

"Perfect." said Jules.

"And I'll find our angel and take him and the nephilim out rowing." said Sam.

"Castiel is in his room." said Sarah, "He's calling Claire, but I'm sure he will be ready to go after that."


	46. Chapter 46

Dean smiled at Sarah's happy little figure bouncing along the length of the garage as she paced out a dance. "This is perfect!" she said, "So much space!"

"We can fit in plenty of tables." he said, "And still have all that central space for dancing."

"I love what you're doing with the lights too." she said, "There will be a golden glow."

He went over to her. "Only the best for you, Sarah."

She put her arm around his waist. "Your claim that you can't dance has fallen apart. Your mother says you're very good. You may even be better than Sam."

"Damn right, I'm better than Sam." he said.

She smiled. "Prove it."

"I don't need to prove a thing." he said, "So, you're not above going behind a guy's back and talking to his mom?

"You know me, Dean." she said, "I do whatever it takes."

"To get me dancing? Because believe me, that is not a sight that will in any way repay all this effort."

She let go of his waist and turned to face him. "To make you feel better. Joy is a powerful thing. It can heal some very deep wounds."

"I think I'm a little beyond joy." said Dean.

"I thought so too, when my son died." she said. He saw her eyes glitter with tears, but none fell. She blinked them bravely away. "You think this is a battle of wills, don't you?"

"Yes." he said.

"So all your pride is wrapped up in winning it, even though you want to lose."

"I never want to lose." he said.

"No wonder you're so tired all the time. You can't switch it off. All your strength is going into keeping up this image that was never you."

"You think I'm a fake?"

"No, I think you're real and authentic and sincere. You just pretend to be a fake. We're too alike to fool each other, Dean. When my son died, so did everything else. I'd always loved to dance, but he loved our family parties so much that dancing without him watching felt wrong.I stopped dancing. I stopped listening to music. I sat in my parlour and I deliberately avoided anything that had ever given me a moment's joy."

"Sarah, I never lost people like you did. I was never married, had no children ... not really. Your losses are unimaginable. I just prefer not to dance."

"Why do you hate joy so much?" she said.

"I don't. I just ... "

"Dean, I'm ninety. Don't waste my time."

He smiled, "You will outlive me."

"Over my dead body!"

"Neat trick."

"New question. Why does someone who hates to dance want this party to happen at all?"

He waved an his arm. "This bunker is full of people who have been through Hell, some literally, some metaphorically, but there really isn't that much difference. The birthday boy? He gave millions of years to a cause he never doubted and then, when he needed it most, it ditched him. Most people would have given up on everything, most angels could never have lived with such a dramatic fall. Many didn't survive a smaller fall. Castiel just straightened his coat and found something else to believe in, another cause to fight for: free will."

"Also known as the Winchesters." she said.

"My brother? He said yes to Lucifer so he could say a no so loud the cage would slam shut around him ... around them. My mother made a deal to save Dad and accidentally damned Sam and no matter how many times we tell her we wouldn't exist anyway if Dad had died then, it's still on her mind, all the time, what she did and what it caused. It saved the world, but she only sees that it hurt us. Bobby fought a losing war on a planet lost long ago to evil, feathered and flamed and now he's here, and he's coming to a birthday party for an angel he saved because he noticed that our angel was different. Every person in this bunker needs and deserves something good."

"Except one?"

"Every one." he said.

"What about you?"

He looked into her eyes. She looked back, one of the few people who could look unflinchingly into his eyes when he allowed the darkness, the despair to show there. He wanted to say, "I don't matter." but that would never work with her. He said nothing.

"Why aren't you allowed anything good?" she said.

"Could we talk about something else?" he said. His chest felt uncomfortably constricted.

"Why won't you dance?" she said.

"That's not really something else, is it?" he said.

"You tell me."

"You think you already know." he said.

"You also think I already know, or you would correct me."

"Why does this matter so much to you?" said Dean.

"You and Sam saved the world several times. You should matter to everyone."

"Everyone doesn't know we exist."

"I do. I think that makes it my job to care." said Sarah, "Besides, I've been where you are now. Long after Carl died, I found a picture of him smiling at a party and I knew he would want me to dance again. I tried and it was terrible. I hated myself for trying, even for wanting to try. I asked myself, 'What kind of mother dances when her son is dead?' I ended up sitting on a step, sobbing and nobody around me understood."

Dean hugged her. "I understand."

"Yes, you do. "I made myself keep trying and every time, I hated every moment and I hated myself. I didn't cry every time, but I would come home and sit in the dark and tell myself I should never have tried to have any kind of life without my husband and my son."

"They would have wanted you to."

"Yes, and that smiling photo kept me trying. Then, one night, at a cousin's wedding anniversary, I danced and I found myself enjoying it. I even laughed. When I got home, I was angry with myself again, as if it meant I didn't care about Carl, but I looked at his picture and it felt like he was proud of me."

"He would have been."

"After that, I started wearing a tie pin of his to every party and I felt like I was dancing for both of us ... living for both of us and it worked. It was hard, but I made myself dance until I felt the joy again. When it came, it felt so powerful. I felt it healing all my sharp, broken edges. So many years of pain, so much guilt and self-loathing. Dean, I want that for you too. I want you to find healing."

"I know you do and it's sweet that you do, but dancing isn't going to fix a thing for me." he said.

"I have so much more planned for you than dancing," she said, with a look in her eyes that made him nervous, "But the first step has to be yours, a conscious decision to seek joy, to choose life."

"Tomorrow is about Castiel." he said.

"What would make him happier than seeing you enjoying yourself?"

"Don't. Play fair, Sarah. Don't use him against me." he said.

"Could I win a fair fight against you?" she said.

"Why do you need to win this fight?" he said.

"Because I feel you've surrendered. We're not fighting each other. I'm fighting to save you."

"I'm really not worth it." he said, "And if you're honest, is your strategy really better than mine? Aren't you trying to save me to make up for the fact that you had no chance to save your son?"

"I can see why you would think that." she said, "Is it unhealthy that you deal with your pain by hunting?"

"I would not recommend any of my coping mechanisms to you." he said.

"When Carl died, I knew life would never be the same again. I'd always assumed there would have been grandchildren, great grandchildren, my house filling up every Christmas with a vast family, filling the hole in my life left by my husband. One drunk driver later, I'm looking at an old age all alone, nothing to look forward to but death."

"But now you have Castiel. You have us." said Dean. He hated to hear her talk that way.

"Darkness fell on my life and stained every day I had left." she said, "And though I love you and your family with all my heart, I will always be the mother of a dead son, the wife of a dead husband. You promise, 'Til death do us part.' but what they never tell you is that death doesn't end a thing. You don't stop loving someone just because they are snatched away."

"No, you don't." said Dean.

"When you know that your own life will never be free of darkness, you may as well plunge all the way in and drag others out. We both made the same choice. We know the darkness, Dean, we have lived it."

"And we choose to go back into it, so why are you trying to drag me out? It's the civilians we are supposed to be saving."

"Civilians like Castiel?"


	47. Chapter 47

Sarah started walking the length of the garage again. "Your father was a marine, correct?" she said.

"He was." said Dean, knowing instantly why she had said that.

"When one marine sees another fall, does he leave him to die?"

"People like me don't die. We don't get to die."

"Wanting to die is not a sign you are in good mental health." she said.

"I never said I wanted to die." he said.

"Forgive me, if I misunderstood." she said.

"Have you ever misunderstood anything?" he said.

"Oh, countless times." she said, "But not recently. Not, I think, today."

"No, not today." he admitted.

Music started pouring from the speakers, filling the space with sound. "Well done, Jules!" said Sarah, "That's perfect!" She turned to Dean. "Will you at least dance with me now? I need to test the space properly. It's not for fun. I'm not young and pretty. There's no chance you'll enjoy it. A mere technical rehearsal."

He took her hands and they began to dance. He understood her need to help others. He had it too. The broken mess of his own life was worthwhile if it meant that the never broken and the uncorrupted got to go home and forget their brush with darkness. Her small, frail hands in his felt oddly strong and comforting and for a moment, he felt that must have been how it felt when Castiel pulled him out of Hell, though he had no memory of that moment.

Dancing with her was a lot like dancing with his mother. Both had exuberance and confidence and both looked at him as if they needed to make him smile as much as he had once needed to make his torture victims scream. They were light and he was darkness and it broke his heart that he could not be what they needed him to be, that there was nothing left for them to save.

Tears filled his eyes and, at times in the dance, his movements flung the tears to left or right, where they fell to the floor or onto his clothes and he hoped they fell unseen, but Sarah didn't miss much.

He tried to smile. He had laughed when he had danced with his mother, but dancing with her had awoken the deepest, dearest memories, of the time when he felt loved and safe and wanted. Dancing with Sarah did not feel safe. It felt as if his soul were on display, with all the cracks and stains showing. Her hands still held his and it felt as if she were the only thing keeping him on his feet. He felt a great wave of grief and pain about to break and he suddenly let go of her hands and backed away.

Jules and Maggie were looking at him. The music played on. Sarah came over to him. "Girls, get yourselves some coffee." she said, "You deserve a break."

He stepped back again. He was afraid to speak.

"I know it's hard to go on." she said.

"I can't." he said.

"No, not now. You did well."

"Not from this angle." he said.

"Do you hate me?" she said.

"Is it possible to hate you? I know you're doing this out of love, but this is not good."

"It's bringing up all the things you don't want to feel?" she said.

"Yeah."

"You know you need to face them sometime, don't you?" she said.

"I know they aren't going anywhere." he said.

"Sam and Castiel are terrified of them, of what they could do to you."

"So am I." he said.

"I still want you to dance tomorrow."

"No."

"With everyone around you, you'll keep better control. Don't dance with me, if you don't want to, but dance with someone, just once. Then, at the next party, dance again. You love music. Your sense of rhythm is wonderful. Dancing can help you to heal."

"I don't want to heal." he said.

"Why not?" she said and he had the sense that she already knew and had been waiting for his confession.

"You're not a hunter, so you don't know the first rule. You can't save everyone."

"So you don't try?"

"Some people aren't worth saving." he said.

"You don't believe that." she said.

He glanced to where the car had been parked, before Sam had taken it. 

She saw the look. "Would you really run out on me rather than talk about this?"

He didn't answer.

"Dean, I'm not doing this to hurt you."

"No." he said.

"Castiel worships you."

"Castiel once worshipped Chuck and he eats bacon in a borrowed robe."

"I'm sure that sentence makes sense to you. The point is that he believes in you. Does anyone know you better than Castiel and Sam? Has anyone seen more of what you've done? More of what you suffered?"

"I have and I think I deserved it." he said.

"How could anyone deserve any of it?" she said.

"You want a list of the people who are dead because of me? You want a list of the dumb, cruel, worthless things I've done?"

"When he first came to me, Castiel said he had done things that could never be forgiven. He asked me how one could do penance for something for which one could not have absolution."

"He was wrong. He made mistakes. Nothing he did was evil." said Dean.

"If an angel can be wrong, can't you?"

He struggled to appear less insane. "All this," he said, "Just to make me dance?"

"I guess I really want to see you dance." she said. Her voice was gentle, her smile kind.

"It's not a good look for me, being manipulated by an old lady." he said.

"No, I can see that. Maybe, what you could do is dance so enthusiastically that everyone assumes you wanted to dance all along."

"That could work." he said.

"Castiel is worried about you."

"Always." said Dean.

"And it's his birthday tomorrow. Let him enjoy it."

"When we were dancing just now, I was nearly swamped by something very bad. If that happens at the party ... "

"It won't. You'll be able to focus on Castiel and your brother and Jack. It doesn't matter what I see. I'm not that important to you."

"That isn't true." he said.

"No need to spare my feelings. It's because I'm not important that you can talk to me about the things you can never tell them."

"And fall apart?"

"You came close, but you kept control, even with just me there. Dean, dear, you are a lot stronger than you think. That's why it's such hard work to get anywhere with you. All those walls."

"Which you tear down like wet paper." he said.

"What can I say? I'm good."


	48. Chapter 48

When he was in a boat, far from the shores of the reservoir, with Jack in the back, staring up at the clouds and Cas looking over the side, watching the water in silent fascination, Sam felt he could finally relax a little. He would have to decide what to do about Jules and her sudden interest in Rhydian, but he wondered whether the party might kill too birds with one stone. If she and Cas found a mutual romantic interest, they might be distracted from obscure enchanters.

"My mother would have loved this place." said Jack, "She liked water. She loved lakes and rivers and the ocean."

Sam could hear the longing in his voice. Even in the womb, his intelligence and awareness had been such that he had come to understand his mother as few people did in a lifetime, yet he had never been in her arms, or seen her smile as she tucked him in at night. Sam could relate to that, if not to the deep knowledge of her that had come to Jack before his birth.

"Have you been here before?" Jack asked him.

"Yeah, a few times. Dean brought me here just before I finished high school. We spent hours out on the water." He smiled, remembering how turbulent and difficult their relationship had been at the time, Dean fearing that Sam would soon walk out of his life forever, Sam afraid that his love for Dean would make it impossible for him to go ahead with his plan to go to college.

All the way there, he had feared that Dean wanted to get him alone and bully or emotionally blackmail him into giving up his plans. All these years later, he still didn't know if that had been the original intention, but as the boat had left the shore, Dean had begun to say some unexpected things. 

He had talked about their childhood. He had said that he was proud of his clever little brother. He had called himself a dropout and an idiot and when Sam had protested, Dean had given him an odd smile and said, "What am I gonna do when you're not there to stick up for me, Sammy?"

He had talked about their Mom, too, in ways he had hardly ever talked about her before. In their younger days, Dean had shut down any discussion of her. At other times, he had pretended to be over the loss, though he had never been convincing. That day, out on the water, he had talked about the fear he had felt every day, that something would happen to their Dad and the way that lessons at school seemed designed to taunt him with his loss. He had been told not to talk about his mother at school. It alerted people who might want to "help" by splitting the family. So he would make cards for a mother he didn't have or misbehave so he could leave a lesson that was too focused on maternal matters. It wasn't an attempt to influence Sam, it was a confession. Looking back, it felt like the moment when Dean first treated him as an adult and an equal.

Of course, soon after that, it had been like open warfare, Dean taking their father's side on everything, talking as if wanting to go to college were a betrayal of the whole Winchester line. His anger had been shocking in its intensity, but Sam had grown up with his volatile brother and what scared him was the look of fear, as if Dean truly believed that Sam would never return.

That same level of fear was showing in Dean's eyes these days and it was the same fear. This time, the one leaving him, as everyone else had in his mind, was Cas and Sam suspected that it didn't matter whether the mental link stayed or vanished. Either scenario would only feed Dean's anxieties, because he had never believed his mother would be gone and from that night when he lost her, every relationship in his life had seemed temporary and illusory.

Jack's voice snapped him back to the boat. "It's so peaceful here."

"Yes, it is." said Cas, still staring into the water.

"How are you doing, Cas?" said Sam.

Cas turned to look at him. His face gave little away. "I'm fine." he said.

Jack sat up straight. "Are you worried about Dean?" he said.

"Aren't you?" said Cas.

"He's with Sarah." said Sam, "We all know she won't let him run rings around her like he does with us."

"What do you think his fear is?" said Cas, looking at Sam. It was clear he had been speculating about it.

"I think he's scared of losing your friendship." said Sam.

"It seemed more visceral than that, more serious." said Cas, "It seemed life or death."

"No, it's more than that." said Sam, "Death doesn't scare Dean."


	49. Chapter 49

Sarah looked at the tables in the storeroom. Dean watched her face, hoping they would do. She had a stack of trestle tables in her barn, apparently, but why go through all the logistical complications if something as good could be found in the bunker?

Paul stood behind them. "If they'll do the job, Mark and I can put them out for you."

"Oh, they will be good." she said, "They're stronger than mine. Are you sure you don't need help?"

"Just tell us where you want 'em and we'll set 'em up." said Paul.

"And if they need help, there's me, there's Bobby, there's Phil. I can grab as many helpers as you need, but you are not doing any heavy lifting." said Dean.

"I've been moving tables my whole life." she said.

"Then it must be someone else's turn." said Dean.

"I'll get Mark." said Paul, "You figure out the layout, Mrs Kranz."

"You call me Sarah, Paul. No friend of Castiel's needs to call me Mrs Kranz."

"I'm not so sure he considers me much of a friend." said Paul, "We got off to a shaky start."

"Really? He says you're a good, reliable hunter." she said.

"There was a little friction at first." said Dean, "In Apocalypse World, angels were all monsters. Nobody's fault. All's fine now."

"Good." said Sarah, "And now you're helping with the party."

Paul nodded. "Yeah, I figure I owe him. He really said I'm a good hunter?"

"Several times." she said. She looked at Dean, "Do you have a floorplan I can use?"

"Yeah, I can print one for you in the library. Paul, get the tables to the garage. We'll have the layout for you soon."

"No problem." said Paul.

Dean and Sarah went to the library. He printed a floorplan of the garage and she set to work on it with a pencil. As she sketched in the tables, he watched, admiring her clear, practical work. It reminded him of his father. "You're good at that." he said.

"Lots of practice." she said, "And I hope to get a lot more. I hope you and I are still friends."

"Yeah, we are." he said, "Your intentions are good. I just think you need to accept that it's too late for me. Maybe twenty years ago, I could have chosen a different way, but now there's layer upon layer of darkness and the most you can do is uncover more of it and risk it getting loose."

"Is Sam also beyond help?" said Sarah.

"God, I hope not." said Dean.

"How about Castiel?"

"Cas is strong." he said.

"So you're the weak one? Sorry, but I'm not seeing it."

"I have a hard time giving up on people too." he said.

"I hate to argue with you, Dean, but I must. Your self-image is way off. You were four years old when you carried Sam out of that burning house. That's a heroic act for a little child. But I'm willing to bet that the only thing you think of about that night is that you didn't save your mom."

"That's not ... " he began, but he saw the look in her eyes and decided not to attempt the lie. "Yeah, okay." he said.

"You've been protecting your brother ever since, always willing to die for him, to go to Hell for him. There's really nothing you wouldn't do for him. You're a good brother."

"If I were that great a brother, Sam would never have gone to Hell. You say I've been protecting my brother ever since. I'd say I've been failing to protect him."

"The most exceptional angel, an angel who has seen everything about you, loves you more than anyone else on Earth and you, my dear, confused boy, think he is merely imagining that you have any value."

"Angels are dumb." he said.

"Not that one. He sees you very clearly. We've spent many hours discussing you and he knows every facet of your personality. He sees you a lot more accurately than you see yourself. Yet you're certain that one day, he will see you're not worthy of love and he'll go. And sometimes, just because you think it will hurt less if you are expecting it, you push him away and say things that hurt him, because if he's going to walk away, better sooner, rather than later."

"If I need his love that much, why would I push him away at all?" said Dean.

"For the same reason you don't want to heal. You can be a very cruel judge." she said, "Oh, not of other people. You get why they do the stupid things they do and you have a lot more patience with them than you pretend. You'll risk your life for some very tarnished souls. That Dean Winchester, though, you don't give that kid an inch."

"That kid is not a kid. He doesn't have that excuse."

"So many negative emotions, all wrapped up in a tight ball of self-loathing and the first and worst accusation: little Dean let his mother die. Your mother died, my dear. You had no power to stop it."

"What did you two talk about?" he said.

"Is there something you want me to talk about with her? I will happily do it. Mary is a lovely woman. I find we have a lot in common. For example, we both think Dean Winchester is wonderful and we both want to see him happy."

"No hunter is ever happy." said Dean.

"Then you can be the first." she said, "You've always been something of an innovator."

"Help the angel. Help my brother. The closest I will ever get to happiness is knowing they are both okay. I don't need anything else."

"You need to live again."

"Life hurts."

"And this half-life doesn't?" she said.

"Not really." he said, "You get numb."

"And that hurts too. You forget, I'm not a civilian. I've been through the same battles, told myself all the same excuses to stop fighting and, like you, I never did entirely stop. We're not made for surrender, you and I. When we fall, we still crawl forward, even when we think we want to die. But why grovel in the mud when you can stand up, grab a banner and march on?" 

"When the battlefield is endless, what's the point? If there could be an end to this, a moment when we all toast a final victory, then maybe it would be worth trying to piece together this shattered life, but if the darkness never stops coming, wasting time on this mess is an indulgence we can't afford."

"Then the same must apply to Sam and Castiel. Should I stop trying to help them too?"

"No. They're different."

"The only difference is the value you place on them, a value equal to the one they place on you. Castiel is terrified of losing you. Sometimes, the fear paralyses him. He can barely think. Sam, of course, cannot bear the thought of life without you. Even if you hate Dean Winchester, can't you find a little compassion for those who love him?"

"Can we focus on the party for now?" he said.

She looked down at the plan. "We should take this to Paul and Mark."

He picked it up. "Good idea."


	50. Chapter 50

"What was Dean like when he was young?" said Jack, "What was he like as a kid?"

Just hearing the question was painful to Sam, but he tried to answer it without showing that. "Like you, Dean never really got to be a kid. Dad trained him to be a soldier."

"You too." said Jack.

"No, they both went easier on me. Because of Dean, I got to be a kid sometimes. All my life, Dean has carried around a weight nobody should have to bear. Most people would have broken long ago. He breaks a little, but then he pulls himself together and he keeps going, because people need him to."

"And you do exactly the same." said Cas.

Sam smiled sadly. "Not even close. I don't think I deal with a tenth of what he does and I broke for a whole year. When you two were in Purgatory, I did nothing because I couldn't handle my losses. Dean could lose everything and he'd still be hunting. Nothing will ever stop him fighting."

"You know you couldn't have found us, don't you?" said Cas, "We didn't have Rowena then. Where would you even have started looking?"

"That doesn't make it okay that I didn't try." said Sam.

"I think the fact that you had lost everyone and suffered a complete breakdown makes it okay that you didn't try." said Cas, "The fact that trying would have been futile is just a bonus. I know Dean gave you a hard time about it, but he doesn't feel the same way about it now."

"How do we keep getting back to me?" said Sam.

"Well, I'm fine." said Jack, "And Dean is with Sarah. So we should concentrate on you or Castiel and he really doesn't want it to be him."

"That's not true." said Cas.

"Good." said Sam, "Let's talk about you."

"Certainly." said Cas.

"I assume the talisman is still working." said Sam.

"Perfectly." said Cas.

"And how do you feel?"

"Peaceful."

"That's it?" said Sam.

"What else do you expect?" said Cas, trying to be inscrutable and failing.

"Never play poker, Cas." said Sam.

"I have played poker." said Cas, "It didn't go well."

"Bobby's trying to teach me." said Jack, "I understand the rules well enough, but I just never win."

He knew it wasn't deliberate, with either of them. The shorthand of human communication just baffled them and they had no idea how annoying it was to a human who was trying to be clear.

"I'm better at chess." said Cas.

"I'm better at chess too!" said Jack, "Chess is easy."

"So easy." said Cas.

"You only have to think about thirteen moves ahead." said Jack.

"Yes." said Cas.

"The only person I can't consistently beat at chess is you."

"A soldier knows strategy." said Cas with a faint smile.

Jack smiled back, admiration and love in his eyes.

Sam watched them talk, seeing how happy it made them, understanding how limited each must feel in talking to humans. They understood each other, even if the rest of the world caused them trouble and there was an ease to their conversation that would vanish the moment he opened his mouth and invaded their world.

He didn't want to do that. Yes, there were things they needed to talk about and he had no doubt that Cas was as much a wreck as Dean, but if Cas could have a brief time without addressing the painful parts of his life, Sam felt it would be cruel to deny him that. He made himself comfortable in the bow of the boat and listened to them talk about games they had played and games they hadn't.

He thought about Jules and the fun times ahead of her if she decided to pursue a relationship with Cas. It wouldn't be easy, but he hoped she would try. She and Cas could be good for each other. 

Jack laughed and he had missed what was said, but the laughter sounded so light and pure and joyful that he didn't care. There was a light in Cas's eyes that had not been there a moment before and his shoulders seemed to relax a little. Jack was good for Cas too. Jack was good for all of them. For a creature who had seemed destined to destroy the world, he brought a lot of happiness into it. 

For a while, there was just the sound of the water, lapping against the boat. A light breeze blew over them and ruffled their hair. Again, Sam thought of being there with Dean, on a colder day, but still a good one. He remembered Dean saying, "We'll always be brothers, right? Blood is blood."

"I love this place!" said Jack, "We should come here a lot."

The light fled from Castiel's eyes and the shoulders stiffened again.

"What is it?" said Sam, unable to remain silent.

"Sorry." said Jack, "It's my fault. I mentioned the future."

"Why is that ... "

"He's having a hard time believing in a future now." said Jack, "But he will have one, won't he? We'll make sure of it. And Dean doesn't make promises he doesn't intend to keep."

"Intentions are noble things." said Cas and his voice sounded old and powerful and hopeless, as if he had gone back to the way he was when they had met him, when he knew he had no need of dreams or hopes or human friendship.

"The next thing in your future is a birthday party." said Sam and he thought back to Dean, promising him, "Next year, it'll be better. We'll be in a house, not a motel and we'll have a proper party." And the candles stuck in the doughnut and a hastily wrapped bundle of candy bars had been the best he could do, but for his own birthday, he did nothing. Even then, he saw nothing to celebrate.

"The party will be good." said Cas. He didn't believe it, but he was too bad at reading humans still to know how completely he failed to seem like he did.

"The party will be great and after it, we'll do other great things and Dean will keep his promises."

"Dean always keeps his promises." said Jack.

Cas nodded and went back to staring over the side, his shoulders tense and hunched.

Jack sat beside him. "Sarah will fix everything." he said, with absolute faith. He put his hand on Cas's shoulder. "If you can't believe in anything else, believe in Sarah and Sam and me."

"And Dean." said Sam, remembering the words, "We'll always be brothers." He smiled and said, "Jack's right. Dean keeps his word."


	51. Chapter 51

Dean was arranging chairs around one of the tables when he had a sudden certainty that Cas was in trouble. It wasn't physical danger. It felt as if Cas stood on the edge of a cliff and he was swaying over a dark void. He needed somebody to call him back from the edge.

Dean put down the chair he was holding and took out his phone. "I just need to call Cas." he said to Sarah, "Something's wrong."

"How do you know?" she said.

"I can feel it." he said.

"How is that possible, if the talismans are working?" she said.

"It isn't." he said and he should have felt relief at the thought, but he didn't. "It wasn't the same." he said to her, "It was a vague awareness that he was in danger of falling into ... into despair, I think. It wasn't like the full mind curse experience with sound and vision."

"What do you think that means?" she said.

"I imagined it. Which means I'm crazy."

"Which means you're worried about him." she said, "Maybe you should call him, just to prove to yourself that he's fine."

It was tempting, but if he called, he would have to explain why. "No," he said, "He needs to feel safe. If I raise doubts about the talismans, he won't be able to relax. He needs to know that they work. They do work, we know that. My lapse of reason; my problem. He needs to know he can trust in the talismans."

"Tell Sam, then. Maybe there's a problem with the talismans." said Sarah.

"If I tell Sam, Cas could find out. There can't be a problem with the talismans. They even worked when I was asleep. They work. Of course they work. Sam and Jack don't make mistakes with stuff like that. The mind curse is blocked. I just need to pull myself together and I need to do it alone, because if I make Cas think there's a problem, he'll do something stupid."

"Like reduce his grace?"

"Or go to Heaven, or just go."

"You think about all possible future events, don't you?"

"I have to." he said.

"And is there a single storyline playing out in your head that involves you and Castiel together for life?"

"Only the ones where life is very short for one or both of us." he admitted.

"You've got a dozen personal apocalypses in your head, haven't you? And all of them start with you asking too much or revealing too much."

"Sounds about right." he said, though he could have listed at least thirty ways it could all go wrong.

"And you're afraid all the time and certain that nothing good can last."

"I am, yeah." he said.

"You're not crazy, Dean."

"I hope I am, because if this is sanity, my life is a crapfest."

"You're not crazy. You're tired and depressed and afraid and you hardly have anyone you can talk to and those you could talk to, you are too busy trying to protect. For decades, you've been fighting a battle you think will never end. You've been through Heaven, Hell and Purgatory and even this world feels like a cosmic battleground to you. I can see it in your eyes, Dean. You're exhausted. You're very sane."

"Then why am I imagining Cas in danger?" he said.

"Because, when we're exhausted, we imagine things to be worse than they are. Because you love him and you need him to be safe and you're afraid he's not."

"Admit it, you think this is a bad sign too." he said.

"I admit that it's a bad sign that you are so upset by this. It's not a great sign that you want to deal with it alone. Keeping secrets from Sam never seems to work out well for you."

"Don't mention this to Sam. You don't know him like I do."

"You think I don't know he's on the brink of a breakdown? There are times when one loud noise could set it off. I know Sam is vulnerable. I also know that he knows you. All that, 'I'm fine, Sam.' nonsense is not ever likely to work with him. He knows you're hurting and he needs to help and every time he tries, you push him away, just like you do with Castiel. Your reasons are the best, my dear, but you make so many bad decisions out of love and the need to protect them."

Dean grabbed the key that dangled from his neck. "The only reason for wearing this is to give Cas peace. If I make him doubt that it works, that peace vanishes. Even if the talismans work forever, he will never trust them and so he will never feel safe."

"So you have to fight alone, against these fears of yours?"

"I'm fine with that. I'm used to it. Maybe I'm crazy, maybe I'm not. Either way, my battle, not theirs."

She gently took the key from his hand and laid it against his chest. "I know that battlefield. I know that feeling. I know that to fight alone is to fail and fall. Has Cas told you he saved my life?"

"No." he said.

"When he first came trespassing on my land, I was in the middle of getting my affairs in order. The doctors had very kindly told me there was no chance of curing the cancer I hadn't noticed before it was too late. It had started in the lungs, the result of breathing the terrible air I had to breathe at disaster sites across the globe, but it had spread. They promised they could control the pain and grant me some small comfort as my life ebbed away. I was old and I had lost everyone. It should have come as blessed release. But humans are strange creatures, as Castiel will tell you. Even then, with nothing to live for, I wanted to stay alive."

"So would I." said Dean.

"Yes, even with your instinct for self-destruction, there is a spark in you that will not go out easily. The worst thing for me was knowing that there would be nobody to care for my bees and that there would be a day when I would not be there to check on the hives and nobody would be able to tell them why I was not there."

He looked into her blue eyes and saw how much that thought still hurt. He could not imagine having so much love for insects, but he suspected that Cas might feel the same.

She patted his chest. "And when that angel of ours appeared, wandering around the hives, talking to the girls, I could see he was troubled and I just thought, 'I will make a difference to one more life, if I can.' So I went out and I talked to him and I promised he could come whenever he wanted, to see the bees and to talk to me. Soon after we met, he asked if I wanted the cancer gone."

"Stupid question." said Dean.

"No, a loving one. It's funny. I never really doubted he was an angel, even before that. It felt true. It felt real. It would have been a weird story to tell if false. But when he reached out and healed me, I was still surprised. I didn't feel worthy of the miracle. He also cleared up the arthritis in my hip." She smiled. "I think I cried for three hours, just overwhelmed with gratitude."

"I'm so glad he healed you. The world needs you." said Dean, "Sam and Cas and I need you."

"I'd felt so alone. The doctors were so thoughtful and gentle, but they didn't know how I felt. How could they? To them, death was a distant prospect or a failure in their work. Life was just a default. Castiel knew my fears. He knew my fight and when I needed someone to save me, he did it without a second thought."

"He's saved me too, many times." said Dean.

"You're not alone in this fight either." she said, "Let me help you. Let me be your ally. Whatever your mental state, whatever emotions happen to be hurling you around like a feather in a tornado, I will never judge you and I will never discard you. The angel who saved me loves you with all his giant heart and I love both of you."

"Everything hurts right now." he said, tired of pretending otherwise.

"I know, my dear. I know." she said.

"And maybe, I am beyond anyone's help."

"Everyone thinks that of themselves." she said, "All I need is your permission to try and your willingness to cooperate."

"And it begins with a dance at the party?" he said.

"With that, or with something else. If the dance is impossible, at least agree to spend more time talking with me. I don't need promises." she said, "I only need you to try."

"Okay. I'll also try to talk to Sam, when Cas isn't around. He needs to know if the brain isn't firing right and if there is a problem with the talismans, he needs to find a solution."

"Good." said Sarah.

"Sarah, why don't you tell Cas to get as far from me as he can? The thought must have crossed your mind."

"No, I've always thought you were good for him."

"Always?" he said.

"Always." she confirmed.

"I wish I believed I was." he said.

"So do I." she said.


	52. Chapter 52

Jack looked anxiously from Castiel to Sam and back. He wasn't sure which one needed him more, but he felt he needed to say or do something to help. He knew that everyone he loved was barely holding it together and whenever one started to fall apart, that sent the others spiralling down. He wished he had the understanding Sarah or Sam had, the deep wisdom that made it so easy for them to help others. All he had was instinct and his deep, protective love of them.

Dean was out of reach and he was with Sarah and Mary and Jack felt they were able to at least keep him from being reckless. Sam and Castiel felt like his concern.

Suddenly, something irrational came into his mind. How would Dean deal with this situation. He smiled at the very thought. Dean couldn't handle his own emotions, let alone anyone else's. He did care, though and he was clever. Dean would distract them. 

"I bet I'm the worst dancer tomorrow." he said.

"My money's on Bobby." said Sam.

Jack smiled. "You know they had dance parties to keep their spirits up, don't you? I'll bet Bobby can dance pretty well."

"Where did they get the music?" said Castiel.

"Paul and Greg can both play the fiddle pretty well." said Jack.

"You never mentioned that before." said Sam.

"It wasn't relevant. They both left their fiddles behind."

"I'm not John Winchester's son if I can't finesse the loan of two fiddles in 24 hours." said Sam.

Jack grinned. "Seriously?"

"I happen to know a music store that might let us hire a couple at a reasonable rate."

"Sarah would love some live music." said Castiel.

"Then we should do it." said Jack, "Anything for Sarah, right?"

Castiel sat up straight. "Anything at all." he said, "She has done so much for all of us. She saved me. She's also the least complicated guide I have ever had."

"You mean less complicated than Dean?" said Jack.

"Yes." said Castiel. For a moment, Jack thought he should have steered the conversation to another subject, but then the angel smiled. "I'm not saying complicated is bad. Without Dean, I'd be nothing. Dean and the two of you are the best things that ever happened to me. I know I sometimes seem ungrateful ... "

"No," said Sam, "You never do. This family is a complex web of love and pain and mistakes, but I've never doubted that you are at the heart of it. I've never felt you weren't one of us, probably the best of us."

"A poor fourth." said Castiel, "Fifth, now Mary is back."

"That's not how any of us see you." said Jack.

"It's definitely not how Dean sees you." said Sam, "But you know that, because he showed you."

"He did." said Castiel.

"What was that like?" said Jack, hoping it wasn't the wrong thing to say.

"Strange and humbling and surprising." said Castiel, "Dean really loves me. All the things I've put him through, and he loves me."

"We all do." said Sam, "Tomorrow, you'll see. Everyone's been trying to find the perfect present for you."

"I've told them all I expect nothing."

"Yeah and none of them took any notice." said Jack, "You matter too much. They need to show you how they feel."

"I hope I react appropriately." said Castiel.

"They're your friends." said Sam, "You don't have to be appropriate. They know you're sincere."

"If I say anything stupid, you'll translate it to human for me?" said Castiel.

"Nothing you say is ever stupid." said Jack.

"Dean thinks otherwise."

"No he doesn't." said Sam, "Dean just uses the word 'stupid' to mean a lot of things. Sometimes it just means you said something that goes straight to the heart. What it never means, ever, is that you or your feelings are stupid."

"He has said I am stupid." said Castiel.

"It's Dean. He says dumb crap all the time. Even he doesn't listen, so you certainly shouldn't." said Sam.

Jack saw a faint smile on Castiel's lips and he knew that Sam had said exactly the right thing. He also knew what he needed to say, what both of them needed to hear. "I love you all." he said, "I'm so glad we have each other."

Castiel put a hand on his shoulder and said, "We love you too, Jack. We always will."

Jack didn't miss the significance of that one statement about the future. The only thing Castiel truly believed of the future was that Jack would always matter to all of them. He smiled, looking into the eyes of his first chosen father.


	53. Chapter 53

Sarah, Mary, Bobby and Dean had eaten a simple supper together in the kitchen. Then Bobby said, "We'd better get you home, Sarah, I need to know where your place is so I can help bring stuff over tomorrow."

"Do you want me to come too, Sarah?" said Dean.

"No," she said, "You have things to discuss with Sam. I'll see you tomorrow." She stood and went to his side of the table to kiss his cheek. "You take care of yourself, Dean. Get plenty of sleep."

"You too." he said, taking and holding her hand for a moment. 

When Sarah and Bobby had gone, his mother said, "That woman is incredible. She told me a little of her life story. She's done amazing things."

"Yes, she has." said Dean.

"She cares about you a lot." 

"Yes, she does." he said.

"And you talk to her, which is fine. It's good. I wish you could talk to me, but at least you're talking to someone."

"We talk." he said.

"I know." she said, but her eyes were busy counting the syllables.

"Are you gonna dance with me tomorrow?" he asked suddenly.

She looked at him, wide-eyed. "You plan to dance?"

"I thought I might." he said.

"Of course I'll dance with you." she said.

He nodded. "Good."

"Sarah is a miracle worker." she said.

"We'll see about that." he said, "When Sam gets in, I need to talk to him."

"Sam too? A mother could get jealous."

"It's not like that. We need to discuss strategy for tomorrow."

"Strategy, for a party?" she said.

"I suppose you just turn up, dance, eat and go home." he said.

"Pretty much." she said with a smile.

"What about Cas and Jack. Do they need to talk strategy with you too?" 

"No, show them the decorations for the party. Take your time."

"Why do I feel like your diversion?"

He stood and hugged her. "Because you're a hunter. Nothing gets past you. I just need to talk to Sam without Cas around."

"Okay. I'll distract your angel."

"And quit calling him that." he said.

Later, he was in his room and Sam knocked on the door and said, "Can I come in?"

"Yeah." said Dean, "Come in, sit."

Sam sat on the bed. He looked as if he had a long list of questions, but he waited patiently for whatever Dean had to say.

"There are two things that happened today that you need to know about." said Dean, "And they're not good. In fact, you need to think about whether they render me useless or even dangerous."

"Go on." said Sam.

"First, Cas is okay, right?"

"Cas is fine. He liked the reservoir and he's nervous, but excited about the party."

"But no crushing despair?" said Dean.

Sam looked troubled.

"There is something?"

"No," said Sam, "But why would you ask about that?"

"The worst bad thing that happened today ... I felt certain something was wrong with Cas. I mean, terribly wrong. Wrong enough that I was about to call."

"What stopped you?"

"Sarah reminded me that the talismans mean I can't know what I thought I knew and now you've confirmed it wasn't real. Sam, I imagined it. That has to be taken as the principle piece of evidence that I am no longer in the ballpark of sane."

Sam looked deeply troubled. Dean felt bad for burdening him with this new bad news, but he felt he had to. He was no longer an asset to Sam's team of hunters and he was very worried that he might be becoming a liability.

"Obviously, we need some protocols in place." said Dean.

"What? What protocols?" said Sam.

"We've been down this road before. When I lose my grip on reality, I can get dangerous. We need to prepare for you having to throw me out of the bunker or contain me within it."

"That's crazy." said Sam.

"That's very much my point." said Dean, "I'm crazy. Let's use this window of opportunity while I'm still sane enough to see it to take sensible steps to prevent me from damaging anything or anyone."

"Dean, listen to me, you are not insane." said Sam firmly.

"Okay, not insane, not yet, but I'm not rational either and I'm struggling to distinguish fact from imagination. I'm not saying kill me, just make sure I'm not the one you're relying on."

"I can always rely on you." said Sam, "Look, thinking Cas was in trouble doesn't mean you're losing it. It just means that you care about Cas. You know he's unstable at the moment. You're his friend. Worrying about him is perfectly rational and normal and sane. I swear to you, Dean, I don't think you're crazy or close to it. I think you just care."

"Don't say anything about this to him." said Dean, "If he starts to think the talismans aren't working ... "

"I know. I agree. We should keep this between us." said Sam quickly, "Otherwise, he'll do something dangerous."

"Yeah, always his default response, go out and do something stupid."

"You might wanna stop using that word around him. It hurts him." said Sam.

"Him doing stupid stuff hurts me." said Dean.

"Thanks, Dean, that's super mature."

Dean was about to react in similar vein, but he stopped himself. "Sorry. I just can't handle all this. Anything could set him off and if words are gonna do it, they're gonna be mine, aren't they?"

"So just watch what you say." said Sam, "A little love and support would be good."

"I know. I'm trying."

Sam nodded. "Yeah. So what was the other bad thing? You said there were two."

"I danced with Sarah today and it was weird."

"Weird how?" said Sam. His face showing his concern.

"I just got very emotional. It felt like something, some mess of dark feelings, was about to drown me. I had to stop dancing."

"What did you say to Sarah?" said Sam.

"The truth. I had no option. She's not stupid. She could see what it was. I think she was expecting it."

Sam nodded and looked thoughtful.

"Say something, Sam."

"What do you want me to say?" said Sam, "It's good that you're being honest with Sarah."

"You don't think the key thing here is that I danced a few steps and became a complete wreck?"

"You've been a wreck for years." said Sam.

"Thanks."

"No, I mean, this stuff is not because you danced. It's because you've been going through every kind of pain since you were a kid and you never stopped to recover. You never looked for help. You kept on taking the hits with no chance at healing."

"There was never time, never an opportunity."

"I know. You were too busy saving me and Cas and the world. What I'm saying is, I don't think this is bad. I think Sarah has a way of getting you to open up and yes, it hurts now, but if it leads to healing, isn't that good?"

"Healing isn't an option." said Dean.

"Well, part of you clearly doesn't agree." said Sam.

"Over-optimistic psychobabble aside," said Dean, "I need you to promise me something."

"What?" said Sam.

"Tomorrow, at the party, if I seem weird or wrong or overly emotional, cover for me and get me out of there before I ruin it for Cas."

Sam smiled sadly. "So you don't mind having a breakdown, as long as it doesn't interfere with his party? You never change, Dean."

"Cas needs the party and he needs it to be happy and free of worry. You think he'll be free of worry if I am going insane in the corner? Just promise me, Sammy. You don't have to agree with me, just promise."

"I promise. If you get overwhelmed by the bad stuff, I'll cover for you. It doesn't matter whether I agree or not. You're my brother. What you need, I'll do."

"Thanks, Sam."

"You got Cas's present okay?"

"Yeah."

"With a Latin engraving?"

"Go on, guess which one." said Dean.

"I have no idea." said Sam, "You could tell me. You could have told me which phrase you needed. It took a long time to translate them all."

"It's part of my job to make sure you do plenty of homework." said Dean.

Sam gave him an odd look and he found himself thinking of growing up in motel rooms, watching Sam doing his homework and knowing, somehow, that it mattered to Sam far more than it ever would to him.

"Don't look at me like that." he said, "I did okay at all that stuff. You got an education because of me."

"Yeah, Dean, I was just thinking the same thing. At the reservoir today, I remembered that time we went there when I was finishing school."

"Wow, you remember that?" said Dean, "That seems a lifetime ago."

"You didn't remember it?" said Sam.

"I remember." said Dean, "One of the few days that year we didn't argue."

"We talked a lot that day." said Sam.

"We did." said Dean, "It was also one of the few days I wasn't a total dick. Look, I know I wasn't the best brother ... "

"You were to me. You still are." said Sam, "Whatever you're going through, I'll be right there with you, always." Again, his expression seemed both troubled and troubling. "And I'm sorry for every time I lied to you, let you down and made your life harder."

"You have nothing to be sorry about." said Dean, "I'm proud of you." He stood up. "I'd better go check that Cas likes the stuff for the party. I just wanted to give you a heads up about the crazy."

"You're not crazy." said Sam.


	54. Chapter 54

As soon as Sam was alone, he called Jack's phone. A text would leave evidence.

"Sam?" said Jack.

"Are you alone?" said Sam.

"Yes, Castiel and Jules are checking out the sound system."

"Emergency meeting. We have a problem. Meet me at the trees."

They actually met on the road, but said nothing until they made it to the trees. When they got there, Jack said, "What happened?"

"Dean is still picking up Cas's feelings." said Sam, "He was aware of 'crushing despair' from Cas today."

"That's not good." said Jack, "So he knows the talismans are fake?"

"You know those situations where every choice you can make is a bad one?" said Sam.

"Yes."

"Well, this is one of those. Dean doesn't know the talisman failed to work, because he believed in it enough that he now thinks he is imagining those feelings. He also thinks that means he's losing his mind."

"Oh." said Jack.

"And he's taking it very seriously and looking for ways to limit the damage he can do. And I could clear it up, just by telling him the truth, that the talismans don't change a thing."

"Then why haven't you?" said Jack. It was a fair question. Sam had felt bad enough seeing Dean's distress about his supposed loss of sanity. Now he had to face Jack's disapproval too.

"As I said, all choices are bad. I tell him, they're both back to square one, with the added complication that they won't trust either of us again. I don't tell him, he goes on thinking he's crazy."

"So what options do we have?"

"I think those are all the choices available." said Sam, "There's another thing. I get the feeling he's opening up to Sarah because he feels his mental health is shaky. If fearing he might be going crazy is making him consider the possibility of doing something about it, of getting help, it could end up being a good thing. Of course, if he later finds out I lied to him, he'll hate me forever."

"And me." said Jack.

"No, not you. Nobody could stay mad at you, Jack."

"So, we either come clean, throw Cas and Dean to the wind, destroy our credibility and have one or both of them destroy themselves or we hold our nerve, maintain our lie, let Dean believe he's a little further down the road of crazydom than he actually is - although this is a man who is constantly one step from hurling himself into Hell - and keep them both safe for as long as we can? I'm seeing a clear winner here."

"That was my thought, but I wanted to talk to you and know that we're both on the same page." He looked back towards the bunker. "I tell myself there's a difference between gaslighting Dean for fun and profit and letting him gaslight himself in the hope he'll finally decide he needs to address his problems."

"There is." said Jack, "Of course there is. Only, what does gaslighting mean?"

"This. Making him think he's crazy."

"He is a little crazy." said Jack.

"We're all a little crazy." said Sam.

"When he's around Sarah, it's like he wakes up or something. He doesn't talk like everything's hopeless. He smiles more. I noticed something else." said Jack, hesitantly.

"What?" said Sam, whose faith in Jack's insight was greater than his own.

"He seeks out chances to talk to her alone. He'd deny it, I know, but he hangs around with her every chance he gets and I think it's because he knows she can help him. He knows she will let him talk about everything on his mind. More than that, she will make him talk. He knows he needs that, whether he admits it or not."

"I get the same feeling. Every time I see them together, I feel there's hope. You're right, it's like he's waking from a deep sleep and he's starting to be himself again. For years, it was like he just accepted nothing could ever be fixed, but now, I think he's just starting to believe there may be a way out of all that darkness. For that, regardless of results, I love her."

"And if we tell him we lied about the talismans, not only will he know he's not crazy ... not that crazy ... but he'll lose faith in other people, not just us, Sarah too. And maybe he won't ever let her help him and maybe that will be our fault."

"I agree. So we lie, we live with the guilt and we hope it's the right thing to do for Dean and for Cas." said Sam.

"Even if we can't fool them forever, we need to until the party is over. Castiel has to have his party."

"Yes. Now, Jack, you're on angel watch. I need to focus on Dean tomorrow. If you need me, let me know, but I need you and Sarah to look after Castiel. I also need to know if Cas doubts the talismans or if he picks up any of Dean's thoughts or feelings. But, obviously, don't ask him. Do nothing to put ideas into his head."

"I won't." said Jack, "You know you can trust me."

"Yeah, I do." said Sam, "Sorry if I seem not to. I just have my whole relationship with my brother on the line here, bet against his sanity and safety and it is scary."

"I know. It scares me too." said Jack.

"I promise, they will both love you whatever happens."

"I know." said Jack, "But if I screw things up for you ... "

"We're spitting into a hurricane." said Sam, "I won't blame you if it doesn't end well."


	55. Chapter 55

Dean watched Cas talking to Jules and he smiled. They seemed relaxed and happy and Jules was smiling as she explained how the speakers were arranged. After a while, Cas saw him, said something to Jules and then came over.

"How are you, Dean?" he said.

Dean smiled. "I'm good. You?"

"Sam got us two fiddles. Sarah will be very happy."

"Can anyone even play?" said Dean.

"Yes. Paul and Greg, according to Jack." said Cas. He seemed uneasy. He was looking at Dean too much in short glances, not his long, unsettling stare.

"Is something wrong?" said Dean, starting to wonder whether he had really picked up distress earlier.

Cas seemed to snap out of it. "No. Sorry. I just can't stop thinking about that fear you had. I know you don't want to talk about it, but at least tell me how bad it is."

Dean glanced at Jules, then back at Cas. "We can't talk here. Not about this. Let's go outside."

Outside the bunker, they walked a little way down the road. "Are you going to tell me what you're afraid of?" said Cas.

"Will telling you that it's under control help?" said Dean.

"Is that true?"

"Yeah. I talked to Sarah. Cas, I'm okay. I'm mostly okay and the things that aren't okay, I'm working on."

"What happened to make you talk to Sarah?" said Cas.

Dean wished it hadn't been quite so obvious to Cas that he would not talk to Sarah unless something dramatic had happened. "Sarah happened." he said, "That woman never gives up."

"I'm glad she doesn't." said Cas.

"Yeah, so am I, I think." said Dean, "Maybe it's time to reconsider my attitude towards healing. It's always felt like a luxury I can't afford but now, maybe, I'm starting to see it as a thing I can't afford to ignore."

"You're serious." said Cas in surprise.

Dean nodded awkwardly. It was as much a surprise to him. He had hoped to reassure Cas, not to make huge, life-changing decisions. But then, he needed to be sane. He needed to be functioning. He needed to be strong enough to help Cas. He needed not to be imagining things that, if mentioned, could destroy Cas's peace of mind.

"I need," he said, "To take back control of my life. Repression, sublimation and denial have their limitations after all."

Cas smiled. "No other birthday present required. You just gave me what I most wanted."

"Tough. I have your present already." said Dean, "Look, even if I can heal, it's not gonna be overnight."

"No, it's not." said Cas, "But I'll be here to help."

"Good. When we stand together, nothing can defeat us."

"You noticed that too, huh?" said Cas.

"It took me a while."

"You're only human." said Cas.

Dean pushed him, shoving his shoulder. 

Cas grabbed Dean's arm and pushed him aside. There was just a hint of the force available there. 

Dean tried to trip Cas with a leg sweep, but Cas evaded it with balletic grace.

They walked on, each trying to get the other to stumble. Cas tried to knock Dean into a patch of mud, but Dean neatly side-stepped it. As he returned to the road, Cas threw a small stone at him. It bounced harmlessly from his shoulder.

"You're gonna wish you hadn't done that." he said with a grin.

Cas smiled. He looked at a large stick by the roadside.

"Yeah, pick it up if you dare." said Dean.

"Angel." said Cas, going over to pick up the stick. 

Dean threw his full weight at his bending opponent. Cas didn't even stagger.

"Angel." he said again.

Dean was about to attack again, but his eyes met Castiel's as he straightened up, wielding the stick and he laughed. 

Cas threw the stick onto the grass.

"Not a word of this to Sam." said Dean, "He already knows I'm insane. It was fun, though."

"It was." said Cas. He was silent for a moment and then he said, "I've been worried about you."

"Yeah, I've been worried about both of us. I'm not gonna use the word we both hate. We both know it's a lie. All I can say is that things will change. They have to. And I plan to dance tomorrow, once, anyway."

"Why?"

"What, you're against the idea now?"

"No, I just wonder how you went from, 'Not gonna happen.' to 'I plan to dance.' I also wonder how far that translates to, 'I plan to live.'"

"I don't get a choice. Winchesters don't take the easy way out."

"There's a lot more to life than breathing." said Cas.

"Sarah thinks there's a way back from all the ... "

"Yes, but do you?"

"I don't know." Dean admitted, "But when a ninety year old who's lost everyone she ever loved tells me life and joy are still worth fighting for, well, maybe it's worth a shot. Besides, I think you need me to try."

"You're still doing it all for me?" said Cas.

"I need you to be okay." said Dean, "And you need the same for me. So maybe we can do this for each other, until we find the courage to believe in ourselves again."

"Sounds good to me, but I need you to believe in yourself too."

"I'm working on it." said Dean.

"I know you are, Dean. Thanks."


	56. Chapter 56

Sam went looking for Dean or Cas and found neither in the bunker. His first thought was to check the cars. Both were there. While he was there, he fixed the ignition on Cas's car.

He sent a text to Dean, "Is Cas with you?"

A moment later, there was a reply, "Stop worrying. We took a walk."

"Sorry." he sent.

Paul was talking to Jules now. He went over to them. "Paul," he said, "Do you feel like playing for some of the dances tomorrow?"

"A stinkin' angel broke my fiddle." said Paul.

"I borrowed one for you and one for Greg." said Sam, "Jack says you can play."

"Greg and I will play any time you like." said Paul. 

Sam went to the Impala and got the two fiddles out. "Take care of them, they have to go back, but I'll buy you one each when I can." He gave them to Paul.

Jules smiled at Sam. "You always come up with what we need, don't you, Sam?"

"I have to do something to be useful around here." he said.

"You're the best leader I've ever served under." she said.

He felt a little uncomfortable with that word still, but it was the one they chose to use, that and "chief" and the latter made him even less comfortable. He deferred to Bobby or to Dean out of habit, but they themselves refused to allow that and they would wait for his decision.

He walked around the garage, looking at ribbons and lights and baskets of dried flowers and grasses. There were even some large, polished cart wheels here and there. Sarah and her helpers had done a great job. "This all looks great." he said.

His phone rang. Dean's name flashed up. "Hey, Dean." he said.

"Are you okay?" said Dean.

"Who's worrying now?" said Sam.

"We're at the bar." said Dean, "Come join us."

Sam didn't need to ask which bar. Dean had happily adopted the nearest one to the bunker as their default. "Okay. I'll bring the car."

"Drive carefully." said Dean, "You scratch her, there will be trouble."

A few minutes later, he went into the bar and Dean waved to him from a table. He got a beer and sat down with them. "How is everyone?" he said.

Cas looked meaningfully at Dean and Dean did a weird eyebrow shrug that suggested he was getting to it, whatever it was. He then took a long drink of beer. Finally, he put the beer down and said, "Okay. First, everything I am about to say depends on Sarah being around. Old age catches up with her, she has an accident, or she loses interest in us and everything is null and void."

That sounded hopeful, despite the depressing list of possibilities for losing Sarah. "Go on." said Sam.

"I ... " Dean stopped talking. He looked at Cas, then down at the table. He put his hand in his pocket, then said, very quietly, "I think I need to do something about the mess in my head."

"You've been making a lot of progress." said Sam.

"You mean I've admitted the mess in my head exists." he said.

"More than that." said Sam.

"Well, the details, those are between me and Sarah and I'll try not to let them get in the way of my hunting, world-saving and general Winchestering. The reason I'm telling you both about this is that first, I need you to know I am addressing the stuff you've both been wanting me to address and second, I'm hoping having told you, I will go through with it, knowing you'll call me out on it if I don't."

"Count on it." said Sam.

"I don't know if it's gonna work. Sarah thinks it will, but Sarah's expertise doesn't extend to my situation. What I know for sure is that it can't work if I won't try."

"What made you decide to try?" said Sam.

"Sarah believes in me. You two think I'm worth saving. Oh, and I'm sick of hitting rock bottom and trying to make it a new base camp. I want to wake up one day and not feel like crap. I want to know that something as broken as me can be fixed, because if I can, you two can be too."

He stared at the table for a long time, his hand still in his pocket, clutching something. "What I am ... what I became ... I didn't think I had a choice. When you're just a kid and your mom's dead and your dad is lost in some grief-trance bullshit and you've got a little brother that needs you, you don't get to stop and ask yourself, 'Is this a good coping mechanism or is this stupid?' You just do what you have to do to go on and to look after the few people you have left." 

He stopped talking. Sam saw tears in his eyes. He wanted to say something to help, but he felt Dean had disconnected from them. To speak seemed inappropriate.

"I never wanted to screw it all up." he said.

At that, Sam could not keep silent. "You didn't!" he said.

"Never." said Cas.

Dean looked up at each of them and smiled slightly. "I don't know if this will work. I don't know if it can work. I don't know if there's anything left to save and I don't even know if this will make me worse and make you two wish I'd stayed as I was."

"You're still you." said Sam.

"I tried so hard to fix things alone. I tried for years."

"Yeah, I know you did." said Sam. He looked at Cas, wondering why he wasn't saying anything.

"Then I tried talking to Cas and that helped me, but hurt him. I tried talking to you. Hell, I even tried talking to Mom and Jack. And all the time, I'd swear everyone to secrecy because I couldn't let any of you see the whole truth about the mess I'd made of my life." He grinned. "Not that any of you couldn't see it anyway."

"Dean ... " said Sam.

"I've got an army around me." said Dean, suddenly making eye contact, "And what's the good of an army if you won't let them work together? So, no more secrecy. No more stupid rules. Time to trust my family."

"Really?" said Sam, "Are you sure about that?"

"No." said Dean, "But everything else I've tried has failed. Let's give it a chance."

"Of course." said Sam. He looked at Cas again. "Cas? You're in favour of this, right?"

"Yes." said Cas, "Just a little stunned that Dean is."

"Maybe he's finally figuring out his priorities." said Sam.

Dean looked into Cas's eyes. "Maybe I finally started to listen."

"I think you're making the right decision." said Sam, "And we are with you. Mom and Jack will be too and you already know Sarah is."

"I can't promise I won't chicken out." said Dean.

"I can promise we'll make that as hard as possible for you." said Cas.

"Well, you both know now." said Dean, "So we should finish our beers, go home and get some sleep." He raised his beer to Cas. "And you do whatever you need to do to relax, because tomorrow is your birthday."


	57. Chapter 57

There was a slight chill in the air by the stand of trees at 4 am and Jack took the news of Dean's sudden change of heart with the same mixed feelings as Sam had. "Did we do this?" he said, "Is this because we were gaslighting him?"

"That's not what we were doing." said Sam, "We just didn't stop him gaslighting himself. But yeah, probably a factor."

"Well, we hoped it would convince him to do something about it all. So that's good. But if it all backfires and he realises that it's our fault ... "

"Yeah. This has raised the stakes significantly." said Sam, "It's a good thing. It's a very good thing. Dean has been edging towards doing something like this, but he always backed off from it and now ... "

"And now you think you tricked him into it." said Jack.

"I don't know. I just know that I feel bad about lying to him."

"We agreed we had no choice." said Jack, "And think how different the party would be if Dean and Castiel were both terrified of feeling anything in case the feelings leaked into each other's heads. If nothing else, at least we've given Cas the chance of a good birthday."

"You're right, of course." said Sam, "I just can't stop thinking about what will happen if Dean ever finds out the truth. We also need to decide what to tell Jules."

"What does Jules have to do with it?" said Jack.

"Cas has asked her to find out about Rhydian."

"Oh, that's not good."

"No."

"Because Rhydian's just someone who did laundry at your college."

"Yeah."

"And Jules is a really good researcher."

"Yep."

"And if we lie badly, she'll work it out very fast that there is no Rhydian."

"That's right." said Sam.

"So maybe we should tell her the truth,"

"We don't know how she'll react. She's close to Cas. She has a thing for him. Would she agree to help deceive him? Even if she did, could she lie convincingly to him and to Dean? Jack, I feel like we're trying to catch a volley of spears in our teeth."

"But right at this moment, it's not so bad." said Jack, "The party will be great. Dean is ready to accept help, real help, from someone who knows how to help him. I know that if things go sideways, everything will fall down around us, but what if they don't? What if they never find out? What if Dean can stop struggling alone through all the pain? What if, this time next year, we're all happy?"

"Happy seems a bit ambitious." said Sam, "I'd settle for alive and together. I'm proud of Dean, even if I'm not proud of my own part in his decision. Whatever drove him to it, what he said in the bar took a lot of courage."

"Sarah can help him. I know she can. All she needed was for him to be willing to be helped."

"If this does all fall apart, Jack, tell them I lied to you. Tell them I fooled you. There's no point in both of us losing their trust."

"No. We did this together. We face the consequences together."

"If Dean stops believing in me, he'll need you more than ever." said Sam.

"He'd never believe me anyway." said Jack, "Succeed or fail, we're a team. He'll have Castiel to bitch about us with. They can bond over how much they despise us."

"That'll never happen." said Sam, "Nothing you did could ever make Cas despise you. I'm hoping he'll understand why we did what we did."

"Maybe Dean will too." said Jack.

Sam wished he could believe that. He was pretty sure Dean would see only that Sam had lied to him, tricked him into wearing a fake talisman and now, it would seem like he had set him up to think he was losing his mind and push him towards seeking help.

"Whatever happens," he said, "Thanks for your support with this. Thanks for always being the one I can trust, the one we can all trust. It really means a lot, Jack."

"Well, you know, family." said Jack, his uncomplicated smile incongruous alongside the Winchester emotional shorthand.

Sam remembered Cas in the bar, watching Dean as he committed to a major change. After all the time Cas had seemed withdrawn and lacking in faith, to see a glimmer of hope in his eyes again had been so good. 

"We're doing the right thing," said Sam, "For Dean and Cas."

"I agree." said Jack, "And at least we don't have to worry about keeping things from each other now. I find it very hard not to tell you and Mary everything. What do we tell Sarah?"

"About the talismans? Nothing. About Dean, everything, except the talisman thing. Nobody should be given a reason to doubt the talismans. Even a sceptical look could tip Dean off."

"Do you ever find yourself wishing he were as dumb as he thinks he is?" said Jack.

Sam thought about it. "No. His intelligence is why we're still alive."


	58. Chapter 58

Dean woke feeling less than refreshed. Sleep had been elusive following what now seemed a rather rash set of promises at the bar. He hoped he wouldn't regret making them. Already, he was dreading carrying them out. Sam and Cas had been supportive, as he had known they would, but the hard part was on him alone and he wasn't sure he was ready for it.

It was almost 5 am and that seemed to be a good time to shower and grab a furtive breakfast. He made the shower a little cooler than usual, to wake himself up and then he headed to the kitchen.

His mother and Cas were already there, drinking coffee. "Good morning, Dean." she said. Something about her smile told him she knew about his decision.

"Cas has told you ... " he began.

"Sam told me." she said, "He and Jack were up early."

"This is early." he said.

"They were up earlier. They just got back from a walk."

"Well, anyway, you know that I plan to ... " his voice tailed off as the right words failed to reach his brain.

She hugged him. "Yes and I'm very happy about it. Even more happy that you plan to let us all support you."

"I think I'll need all of you." he said, gently disengaging from the hug.

"I'm going to be bringing food across from Sarah's place this morning." she said, "But if you need me, now or at any time in the future, I will be there."

"Thanks." he said.

Cas had stood up. "Would you like some eggs?" he said.

"Yeah, eggs would be great, thanks." said Dean, "And happy birthday, Cas."

"It's not really my birthday." said Cas.

"It is now. You need to learn to respond to happy birthday with 'Thanks.' and not with denials that you have any such human thing as a birthday."

"The whole thing seems very unsettling this morning." said Cas, carefully breaking eggs.

"Yeah, I know." said Dean, "You don't like being the centre of attention."

"You two will tell me if I seem about to make a fool of myself, won't you?" said Cas.

"Don't worry." said Mary, "I can make sure I stick around a lot at the party. But I don't think you'll do anything wrong. You worry a lot more than you need to. Everyone here knows and loves you."

"I don't want anyone to feel I'm ungrateful." said Cas.

Dean went over to the stove and watched the eggs frying. He looked at his anxious friend and said, "It'll be a great party. Do you want to take the keys off, so I'll know if you need to be rescued?"

"No!" said Cas quickly, "No, that's not a good idea. But thanks for offering to give up their protection."

Dean saw the fear in Cas's eyes. He understood. He regretted making the suggestion. "It's fine." he said, "We've got your back, always, with or without freaky psychic crap. But I'm not staying too close at the party, because you'll be dancing with Jules."

"Will you?" said Mary, smiling at Cas.

"It's just a friend thing." said Cas, but with just the right amount of bashfulness to suggest it could be more than that.

"It's okay. We won't tease you about it." said Mary, "Will we, Dean?"

"Me? I never teased anyone in my whole life!" he said.

"He won't." she said to Cas, "I'd better find Ryan. We have some logistical details to work out. Just relax, Cas. You'll have a great birthday."

When she'd gone, Cas served up the eggs and said, "If Jules does want to be more than friends, what do I do?"

"Well, personally, I'd let her." said Dean, sitting down and starting to eat the fried eggs.

"I mean, how does that work? How do you go from friends and colleagues to ... "

"The horizontal lambada?" said Dean.

"Isn't it a hoedown?" said Cas, confused.

"Okay. Let's not use euphemisms." said Dean, "That's where I went wrong there. It's best not to overthink this stuff. You like Jules, right?"

"Yes. She's intelligent. She's committed. She's ... "

"She's hot." said Dean.

"Yes." said Cas.

"And she's one of the kindest, most understanding people we know, so she won't point and laugh if you make a move and she's not interested."

"They point and laugh?" said Cas, retreating into his coat like a snail into its shell.

"Not her. I'm sure she doesn't." said Dean.

Sam came in. "Good morning. How did you sleep?"

"No time for that now." said Dean, "We're planning how Cas can make a move on Jules."

"Just don't, Cas." said Sam, "Let her make the move."

"That's stupid advice." said Dean, "What if she doesn't?"

"I think she will." said Sam.

"You do?" said Cas.

"I do. And I think that's gonna work better than you trying to be smooth and trying to be Dean when smooth is not your thing and Dean is not her type."

"I am every woman's type." said Dean, "Like Type O negative blood. Universal donor."

"You have no idea how creepy that sounds, do you?" said Sam.

"So, you told Mom and I'm guessing your little walk with Jack was to tell him. What's the matter, Sam? You don't trust me to keep my word?"

"You wanted us to make it harder for you to back out, remember?" said Sam.

Dean remembered. It was, after all, why telling them had seemed so important the night before. "You're right. I did. So, thanks." he said.

Sam smiled at him. "I'm impressed."

"So am I." said Dean, "And also a little terrified."

"Growth is always frightening." said Cas, "It frightens me, anyway."

"Are you having second thoughts?" said Sam to Dean.

"Every second." said Dean, "But what I said last night is all still true and that means I need to try."

"You're not alone." said Cas, sitting down at the table, "You have your army."

"Yes, I do. And you have yours, so don't worry about the party."

Sam sat with them. "Listen, Cas, Jules really likes you, so just relax and let your relationship grow naturally."

"But don't get friendzoned." said Dean.

"What's that?" said Cas.

"That's a myth. Most people marry a friend." said Sam.

"Let's leave marriage out of it for now." said Dean.

"Friendship can always turn to love." said Sam, "There's nothing wrong with being friends."

"I would hate to lose her friendship." said Cas.

""Exactly." said Sam, "You already have something great. So don't get all anxious trying to turn it into something else. If it's gonna happen, it's gonna happen."

"Sam, this is why you only get laid once every five years."

"That isn't true." said Sam.

"Well, whatever. Sometimes, you need to make things happen. He can at least flirt a little. He's got that sweet, baffled, vulnerable thing going on. He can capitalise on that."

"I don't really know how to flirt." said Cas.

"See?" said Sam, "Now you've got him anxious again."

"Then stick to the basics. At least tell her she looks good." said Dean.

"That never hurts." said Sam, "But don't try too hard."

"Look down, then just raise your eyes a little. They love that." said Dean.

"Would you stop?" said Sam, "Your tricks are great, for you, but Cas has sincerity and that's his secret weapon."

"This all seems a lot more complicated than I thought." said Cas, "And I can't really see it going anywhere anyway."

"You're an angel." said Dean.

"Yes, and she could have anyone she wanted." said Cas, "I'm hardly a great prospect."

"Don't put yourself down." said Dean.

"I spend a lot of time dead. I have one outfit. I don't know how cars work and most of my knowledge of sex is theoretical." said Cas.

"Same could be said of Sam." said Dean.

"Could it?" said Sam.

"Anyway, today, you'll have the cowboy hat."

Cas smiled. "I think just friends is fine. I like having friends."

"You like having sex." said Dean.

"Yes, but the whole torture/death thing afterwards is less fun."

"That's not a usual part of the process." said Dean.

"No, but there do seem to be a lot of potential complications." said Cas.


	59. Chapter 59

Cas went to the library and found Jules there, working on a laptop. She looked up and smiled. "Hi. Happy birthday."

He remembered what Dean had said and he smiled back and said, "Thanks. What are you working on?"

"Trying to find any reference to a Rhydian who had anything to do with magic, but no luck so far. I struggle a bit with the internet. Computers were not a big thing for us."

"Get Jack to help you. Apparently, he found Rhydian in the first place and he spends a lot of time on those machines."

"Could you come with me for a second?" she said, standing up.

"Of course." he said. He followed her out. Soon they were in her room. It was not like his. She had made it her own with scarves in bright colours hung on the walls and stacks of books and her desk was covered with odd little nonsensical things that he found somehow appealing. He envied her the talent of changing a room to reflect who she was. All humans seemed to have it, no angels did. He wondered if he could ever either acquire it or fake it, so that Dean and Sam would stop thinking he wasn't at home in the bunker.

"Is something wrong?" she said.

"No." he said, "I've just never seen your room before. I like how you've changed it."

That seemed to please her. She smiled at him. "Thanks. I know it's not permanent, but I like to make myself a nest, wherever I am."

"Why not permanent?" he said.

"Well, we can't take advantage of the Winchesters' hospitality forever. We're like a bunch of teenagers, all still living at home. One day, we have to grow up and move out."

He was uncomfortable with swift changes and he told himself that was why he felt his stomach lurch at the thought, but he was not fooled for a moment by his own excuse. Friend or more than friend, he would miss Jules.

"I said move out, not die, Cas." she said, clearly seeing his thoughts all too clearly on his face. "We'll still see each other. We'll still work together on things. You think I'm planning to lose a good friend?"

He smiled, relieved. "That's good." he said. He wanted to say something safe, about having good colleagues or something, but he worried that it would sound cold and she always said such warm, kind things to him. "I'd miss you." he said.

"I'd miss you too." she said, "It's weird how you can know some people for years and never really know them at all and others, you know for a few weeks and you can't understand how you ever managed without them." She went to a small chest at the foot of her bed. "I know most people are planning to give their presents at the party, but I wanted to give you mine before that."

"Oh." he said, hoping he could respond appropriately.

"It'll seem like the lamest present ever." she said, handing him an almost flat, rectangular present.

He opened the silver wrapping paper and then the box underneath. There were two green ties.

"I know." she said, "Not a great present. But these are coded."

"Coded?"

She took out the first tie. "This solid green one is like a green door that slams shut. When you wear this, it means, 'I want to be left alone.' and when I see you wearing that, I'll not only stay out of your way, I'll also do my best to distract everyone else from you too."

Cas was speechless. She had seen his need for solitude and his inability to ask for it and instead of being offended by it or telling him he needed to try harder to fit in, she had created a solution for him.

She put the solid green tie back and took out the one with thin white stripes breaking up the green. "This striped one," she said, "Is how you open the door. Wearing this means, 'I want to talk.' and that will bring me over to listen, first chance I get."

"Thankyou." he said, "This is wonderful. These are wonderful. You're wonderful."

"It's nothing major." she said, "I just thought it would take some of the pressure off you. I know interacting with us is hard for you. We unintentionally make you feel very cornered at times, very isolated at others. Communication is key. I hope these will make it easier."

"Jules, they're perfect." he said, "I need to try a lot harder with communication, but I think I can, because you always help me so much. You're very patient. You overlook my many social failings."

"There aren't many to overlook." she said, "I have my own communication problems. For example, there are things I want to ask you now that I know I will say wrong and I don't want any awkwardness today on your birthday, so it's probably best to keep quiet."

"I think all interactions are a little awkward." he said, "Don't let that silence you."

She looked at him in silence for what seemed like a long time. Finally, she said, "How did you become friends with the Winchesters?"

"You know that." he said, "We stopped an apocalypse together."

"I don't mean how you met them, I mean, how did you, with your communication issues, ever get close to them?"

"More their effort than mine. The angel I was then ... he was arrogant, aloof, cold and completely committed to his righteous duty. Dean hated angels. Went straight from, 'Angels don't exist!' to "Angels are dicks.' with no gap in between. Sam was a little more nuanced, but equally critical at times. I don't really know how or when it changed, but by the time we were together at Stull Cemetery to put Lucifer back in his cage, I would have followed them anywhere."

"I love how much you love them. I never thought an angel could feel any love or friendship until I met you."

"I thought we were paragons of love and friendship, until I saw human love. Our angelic brotherhood was nothing like the bond between Sam and Dean."

She was looking at him again, something like speculation in her eyes. He wanted to ask what she was thinking, but he felt uneasy about what her answer might be. He smiled at her, aware that his smile was weird and not quite right for the situation.

"I'm glad you decided to give people a chance." she said, "It must have been difficult, to come down from the celestial heights and deal with our down and dirty lives."

"I have lived more in the previous ten years than in the ten thousand before that." he said, "I love humans. I love their noisy, chaotic lives and their profound, unbreakable love and I am so grateful that some of them have let this distrustful, uncommunicative, socially baffled angel share their lives."

"You're not that baffled." she said, "When it matters, you always seem to know what to say. You ride Dean's tempestuous moods like a surfer."

"I'm not sure what that means." he said.

"It means you're a great friend." she said.

"I try to be." he said.


	60. Chapter 60

Dean and Mark were setting up the barbecue equipment just outside the garage. The weather was good and it had seemed sensible to leave the garage open and use the space outside too. 

Everyone was getting involved. Already, several pickups had gone to Ionia to collect food and finishing touches. Paul was organising the quest for beer. Maggie was making sure everyone had something to wear. She had already checked that he would be making an effort and he had described the outfit enough to satisfy her.

He knew it wasn't just about Cas. To all of them, the chance to let off steam and enjoy themselves was rare and precious. At first, it had seemed to him like that was their primary motivation, but being around them as they worked, hearing the discussions of how much Cas would enjoy the party, he was pleased to find out how much it mattered that he did. There had been friction at first and doubts on both sides, but now, without anyone really noticing it, a lot of affection had grown up between Cas and the offworlders. 

Another thing that had gone unnoticed was a strange disquiet Dean had felt that he had neither acknowledged nor understood until it had lifted. As long as they had cast sideways glances at Cas, he had been unable to fully trust them. He loved their devotion to Sam, their faith in him, but they had not felt like his people until now, when they were working to do something good for Cas.

Mark was struggling to get a grill into position. Dean grabbed the other end and helped him. They grinned at each other as it slipped into place.

"Thanks." said Mark.

"Teamwork." said Dean, "Can't beat it." He knew he sounded less sincere than he was. He often did.

Mark seemed to read the intention, rather than the tone. "It's all worked out pretty well, hasn't it?" he said.

"Yeah, it has." said Dean.

"Bobby was a good leader. He got us through everything. No matter how hopeless it got, no matter how bad things were, he'd just get up, get going and kick it in the ass."

"Yeah. Bobby's unstoppable." said Dean.

"Your brother? He's something different. He's got vision. He's got a way of giving us all hope."

"He's been doing that for me for years." said Dean.

"So, when's his birthday?"

"May." said Dean.

"And yours?" said Mark.

"I don't have one." said Dean.

"You weren't born?"

"I don't celebrate it." said Dean.

"You're a little young to have given up on birthdays." said Mark.

"I'm older than I look. Let's worry about Castiel's for now." said Dean.

"He wasn't born either." said Mark, "But it would be a pity if he missed out on a party because of that."

"I just don't see much to celebrate."

"Not being dead yet seems reason enough to me." said Mark.

"Too many other people are dead." said Dean.

Mark nodded. "Yeah, I know that feeling. Stinks, don't it?"

"It's the life. Whatever we do, everyone eventually ends up as monster chow." said Dean.

"Which is why I wanna enjoy life while I can." said Mark.

Dean watched Sam's people, who were now his too, working hard to make Cas's birthday great and he felt he could be honest. "Look, I was never big on birthdays. I grew up on the road, barely knew when my birthday was. I never really celebrated a lot. Then my life was saved at the expense of a stranger and after that, my dad gave his life for mine in a deal with a demon. Too high a price has been paid for the continuation of this particular life. I can't repay it. I can't justify it. So I am damned if I'm about to celebrate it. Sorry."

"I never knew any of that."

"It's not stuff I want to brag about." said Dean.

"I can see that." said Mark, "I often wonder why you're not the one leading. Your brother clearly respects you."

"Sam's the one with all the leadership skills. When people follow me, things go wrong." said Dean.

"We've all had bad times." said Mark, "I once led three men to their deaths in a werewolf ambush."

"Sam's the one to trust." said Dean, "I'm a good soldier, bad leader." He thought of his father as he said that and remembered all the years of trying to be a perfect soldier, afraid to make the smallest mistake. Now he had so many mistakes to look back on, angels dropping from the sky like stones, Leviathans unleashed because he hadn't managed to get through to Cas, Bobby, Charlie, Eileen, all dead because he had not done enough to protect them.

"Sam trusts you. We follow him, he follows you."

"No. He listens to me, but he makes his own decisions." said Dean.

Mary drove up next to them. She got out of her pickup and said to Dean, "Help me offload, then Sarah's wants you at the farm."

"Looks like I have my orders." he said to Mark.

Mark grinned at him. "You said you like to follow, not lead."


	61. Chapter 61

When Dean arrived at the farm, Bobby was just driving off. They waved briefly at each other, then Dean parked the Impala next to Sarah's quirky old Ford and went to the house. 

Sarah opened the door as he reached it and he felt suddenly very young and very uncertain. Before he could collect himself enough to speak, she took his hand and led him into the parlour. "Bobby just took the last of the food." she said, "I think that's everything now, although, before we go, I'll make sure."

"Okay." he said. 

"Let's sit down." she said. They did. She sat on the couch. He took the armchair opposite.

He wanted to tell her about his decision, but he suddenly wondered whether he should just give up on the idea for now. It felt too late for him to change anything and to try seemed too much a waste of time and resources. 

Then he remembered how many times he had lied to himself like that, saying he didn't need to change or couldn't change or couldn't spare the time or justify so much focus on his stupid little problems. This was why she had told him he needed to make a decision to choose life and joy. She knew how easy it would be for him to run from the whole thing.

"The first step you talked about," he said, "I took it."

"I know." she said, "Sam told me. It sounds more like a giant leap forward to me. You decided to be honest with your family. I'm proud of you, Dean."

"If I'm honest, there's still a very persuasive part of me that wants to back out."

"Yes, that's perfectly natural." she said, "You need to resist that urge. You are strong enough to do this, even if you think you're not."

"I don't even know that this involves." he said, "But maybe, that's for the best."

"The only thing that matters now is that you want to find healing." she said, "That you want to start a journey that will get you out of the darkness you've been living in for so long."

"And you're sure that's possible? Because the darkness is really all I know."

"No it isn't. That's why dancing brought up things you were afraid to face. You remember and long for love and light. You don't believe you deserve them, but you want them. You just need to want them enough."

"The way things are, I'm a liability to Sam. I'm not in control of my life or my emotions. I'm not sure what's real and what isn't and I need to either get control or get out of the way."

"And what would getting out of the way mean?" she said.

"I don't know. Leaving the bunker. Yesterday, I thought I was picking up Cas's thoughts again and if you hadn't been there to remind me that's impossible, I could have lost touch with reality completely. Best possible outcome: I would have destroyed his faith in the talismans and made him perpetually afraid of being infected with my thoughts. Worst: I could have done something crazy to stop a link that no longer exists."

"How crazy?" she said.

"Cas doesn't deserve to share the Hell in my head. I'd do anything it took to protect him from it."

"Including self-destruction?"

"I don't know." he said.

"You're being very honest with me." she said.

"I'm trying. Honesty is important." he said.

"It is. So I'm going to be honest with you. There are no quick fixes. Change will be hard work. It will scare you. You'll open old wounds and that will hurt."

"I know." he said.

"Sometimes, you will backtrack, you will fail. I need you to understand that. I need you to know that I understand, because when that happens, you will need to stop yourself and come back to the work. None of it will be easy, but every tiny step in the right direction will change your life for the better."

"I'm trying to believe that." he said.

"Above all, you need to be ready to let go of all the false assumptions you've made about yourself to protect yourself."

"What if they're not false?"

"And already, you're resisting that part."

He nodded. "It's hopeless."

"No, it isn't. You've told Sam and Castiel that you are ready. Now you just have to convince yourself."

"What if I'm not?" he said.

"You are. Dean, it took a lot of courage to say you would do this. There's a reason why you found that courage now. You've defied Heaven and Hell, now you just have to overcome your own fears and your own guilt. A big part of the problem is that you feel you deserve to suffer."

"I do." he said, "However you slice it, I've done some terrible things."

"Condemning yourself is easier than trying to acquit yourself. I have to ask you, right from the start, to let yourself question all those assumptions."

He nodded. "I'll try." he said. His left hand shook a little and he put it on his knee, hoping any trembling would be less obvious there.

"You need to give some thought to what we need to do to make this bearable for you. My own view is that the bunker is too public a place for you to relax and open up. I suggest that you might want to come here. You might want to stay here for a few days at a time."

"For today, I just need to make sure the party goes well." said Dean.

"You don't have to decide this minute." she said, "I just want you to bear in mind that you have options. I should warn you that, if you stay here, I will treat you as family and I may mother you a bit, but I think that may be just what you need."

"Normally, I'd say that I can't leave the bunker, but now that I'm imagining insane things, it's probably best that I do. But you mother me a little wherever we are."

"I do." she said, "You bring out my nurturing instincts. You lost so much, so young."

"Which means I got plenty of time to adapt." he said. Even as he said it, he knew she wouldn't accept that.

"That's automatic, isn't it?" she said, "Diminish, deflect, deny."

"Sorry." he said.

"You don't need to apologise. Just learn to recognise the unhealthy patterns. Then you can stop them and work on more constructive habits."

"I'm not good at change." he said.

"Neither is Castiel, but he's working on it. I know you won't do it for yourself, because you don't care about yourself, but Sam and Castiel and Jack care about you and seeing you lose hope is killing them."

"I know it is." he said, "I know I need to change. I just hope it's not too late."

"I'm with Steppenwolf on that one."

"You know Steppenwolf?"

"I know Castiel. I hear a lot of rock."


	62. Chapter 62

Sam met Cas and Jules in the corridor near her room. They were standing close together and smiling and he was reluctant to interrupt, but then Cas saw him and said, "Sam, Jules needs you or Jack to help her find out more about Rhydian."

"Busy. Party." said Sam.

"Isn't the party just about ready?" said Cas, "Besides, finding out about Rhydian could tell us how to defeat Michael."

"I know you have other things to deal with." said Jules, "So just tell me where to start. You kept notes, right?"

"Of course." said Sam.

"Is there a problem?" said Cas.

"No, no problem." said Sam quickly, "Jules, come with me. I'll give you everything I have. Cas, can you find Jack and tell him I need his help with something?"

"Can I tell him what?"

"Not really. It's for your party." said Sam.

"I don't understand the need for secrecy." said Cas.

"No, but we do, so just accept it." said Sam.

Sam took Jules to his room, closed the door and said, "This is complicated and it may seem bad and I know it's asking a lot ... "

"What are you talking about?" she said.

"I love Dean and Cas more than my life." he said.

"Have you lost the notes?"

"There are no notes."

"But you must have a vague idea of where ... " she said.

"Dean and Cas needed to believe in the talismans, so we lied and pretended they weren't merely symbolic."

"You lied, to Cas? You lied to your brother."

"Not the first time. Won't be the last. I need you to help us continue the lie because if we don't, Cas will go to Heaven and they will probably destroy his mind."

"Do you want to go back to the beginning of this story?"

"I can't. Every word spoken in the bunker is a risk. Cas might come back and hear us."

"I'm not Cas. Can you tell me in another way?" she said.

"In a way that he won't understand?"

"That leaves you a lot of scope." she said.

"Okay. Short version, lots of animals in two adjacent zoos suddenly got past the fences and jumped into each other's enclosures, probably because the zoos were too close, following some work that rendered the barriers less secure. Clear so far?"

"Yes, curious about the work and the nature of the animals, but go on."

"Wild animals do their own thing and the keepers were freaking out so new fences were required urgently."

"And the fences had to convince both animals and keepers?"

"Yeah." he said.

"Did they work?"

"Mostly. One zoo's animals are a little harder to fool than the other's. Fortunately, the keeper thinks he imagined seeing a breakout by the other zoo's meerkats, but obviously, any indication that the fence is cardboard would destroy his confidence in it."

"This puts the fence builder in a difficult situation."

"Yes, it does." said Sam.

"And the inspector sent to check on the fences won't have a good day either."

"It's very unfair on the inspector and I don't know how it can be resolved. I only know that one or both zoos could be closed over this."

A knock on the door interrupted them. The door opened and Jack and Cas came in. "I found him." said Cas, "What were you saying about zoos closing?"

"It's not important." said Sam.

"Not to you, but it is to the animals. Do they have homes for them? Can we help in some way?"

"The zoos are hypothetical." said Sam, "We were discussing meerkat management."

"In a game called Zoo Tycoon." said Jules. Sam saluted her with his eyebrows.

"I thought you two were discussing Rhydian." said Cas.

"We were. I have all Sam's notes on my phone now." said Jules.

Jack's face showed horror for a moment, then he quickly blanked his expression and tried hard to look calm.

"Cas," said Sam quickly, "You should go and get ready for the party. As soon as Sarah arrives, it's going to be getting started."

Cas looked at Jules. He looked very uneasy.

Before Sam could work out why, she smiled and said, "Is it okay if I meet you in your room before the party? I feel a bit nervous, walking in alone, all dressed up."

"Of course." said Cas, "Of course. I'll go and get ready."

When he'd gone, and they were sure he was far enough away, Sam said quietly, "Jack knows everything about the meerkats."

"I don't." said Jack, "I don't think I've ever seen a meerkat."

"Jack," said Sam, "I told Jules the truth about the meerkats we've been worried about. The ones that were getting through the fence."

"The ones that the keepers need to know are under control." said Jules.

"The keepers being two brothers." said Sam.

Jack frowned for a while and then said, "Oh. Okay. So what are we going to do about the ... " He frowned again. "I can't think of a meerkat-related code for laundry worker."

"Laundry worker?" said Jules.

"I know what we should have done." said Sam, "We should have gone for a walk. I think I'm losing what's left of my mind."

His phone rang. He answered it. "Yes, Cas, what is it?"

"Where's Dean?" said Cas.

"Dean went to get Sarah."

"He's probably talking to her about ... I shouldn't call him. I need to ask him something." said Cas.

Jules took the phone. "Cas, what's wrong?" she said.

"Dean thinks I should wear a hat. Sarah thinks I should wear the clothes she gave me. I think the coat is better. You said the coat was good."

"Put on the clothes Sarah gave you and the hat and I'll be there soon. If you don't look good in them, you can change back into the shirt and coat."

"Thanks." said Cas.

"It's fine." she said, "Everything will be fine." She ended the call and gave Sam his phone. "He's just nervous."

"So what are we doing about the meerkat situation?" said Jack.

"We're going to distract a mind that can count the atoms in a star and keep it from noticing that we have no information to offer." she said.

"How do we do that?" said Jack.

"We can either increase his anxiety or make him so happy he forgets about the meerkats." she said, "But I won't help you make him more anxious."

"That would send meerkats scattering through the fence anyway." said Sam.

"How long can we herd the meerkats for?" she said.

"As long as we have to." said Sam, "Because there is no other way to keep both zoos up and running."

"So is there anything else I need to know about the state of the zoos?"

"Lots, but I think we need to talk about that when we don't need to do so in extended metaphors." said Sam.

"I'd better go and reassure Cas that he looks okay." she said.

When she had gone, Jack said, "I like Jules. She definitely likes Castiel."

"Yeah," said Sam, "And now, thanks to me, she has to lie to him."

"Mostly, she has to distract him. I think she can do that." said Jack.

"I think he's right about her being a genius. I don't know how she made sense of the meerkat thing." said Sam.

"I'm more impressed at how well she understands Castiel." said Jack.


	63. Chapter 63

In the car, with Sarah beside him, Dean tried to think about the party, but his thoughts kept going back to all the promises he had made, to her and to the others, that he would finally deal with his issues.

At one moment, he'd tell himself his doubts meant he wasn't ready and should change his mind, but the next minute, he'd decide that the doubts were just from his fear of trying to change and that he would never lose them until the change was achieved. Whenever he glanced at Sarah, she turned and smiled at him, as if she knew every thought in his head.

He glanced at the parcel on the back seat. "You got him a picture?"

"Something for his room at the bunker." she said.

Dean nodded. "Nice."

"I know you worry about it, but the bunker is home to him. He always tells me he's going home when he leaves my house for the bunker."

"You spend a lot of time reassuring me." said Dean.

"Are you going to tell me you don't need reassurance?"

He looked at her, seeing the look in her eyes that said, very clearly, that a glib remark would not get anywhere with her. "No." he said, "I just don't want you to waste too much effort on me." He stopped. That wasn't going to work either. "What I mean is ... " He remembered what Cas had said in the cabin. "What I mean is that I have a hell of a lot of baggage and a stack of unmet needs and I need everything you can give me because since I was four years old, I've really had none of it. But it isn't your job and needing isn't the same as being owed, so don't ever feel you have to be the one putting right a lifetime of wrongs."

"Oh Dean," she said, "That's another giant leap right there."

"To be honest, Cas helped me figure that out a while ago."

"Cas didn't make you say it just now." she said, "As much as you have to call yourself out on the nonsense, you also have to own your victories. That was one. That was a big one."

"It's not easy." he said, "My mind wants to use the script it knows."

"Yes, it does. How does it feel to break the pattern?"

"Good." he said, "Scary." he added.

"The moment you made that first step, you started to fight and win. I know how hard it is. It was hard for me too. It feels so much safer, hiding in the unhealthy patterns. Even as your soul is dying, you tell yourself, 'At least I'm not out there, living the pain.' It takes so much courage to try."

"I don't always have the kind of courage I need." he said. That too felt like breaking out of the safe cocoon of hopelessness. He could not have said that to Sam. Sarah knew it already, so saying it would not shatter her illusions.

"You have more courage than most." she said, "As for the unmet needs, I have some of my own. Carl was everything to me. Every day he lived, I had a purpose. I had someone to take care of, even when he was away at school. After his death, one of the hardest things to bear was that there was nobody left for me to love and care for. Nobody needed me."

"All the people you have helped since would disagree." said Dean, "You helped victims of torture."

"And torturers." she said and he flinched at the word.

"You still punish yourself constantly, don't you?" she said.

"I have reason to." he said, "But we can't talk about it now. I can't be a wreck at the party. Cas has to enjoy this party."

"I understand." she said, "This isn't avoidance."

"No." he said.

"So we'll talk about it at my place, in a day or so?"

"As soon as I can get away." he said.

"Good."

"How well would avoidance work with you?" he said.

"Dean, dear, I avoided dealing with my feelings for years too. I know every trick in the book and a few scribbled on envelopes and used as bookmarks. How do you think I know when you're avoiding and when you have a genuine reason not to engage with the difficult parts of your life? Today, you just want Castiel to be happy."

"He deserves happiness."

"Yes, more than anyone else in the world. And so do you. Please don't try not to be happy. I know it's all wrapped up in guilt about Hell and grief for lost loved ones, but you are alive and loved and you deserve to be happy. So dance today and eat and enjoy seeing your friend, your brother, getting the wonderful party he deserves."

"Which he is only getting because of you." said Dean, "Don't think I'll forget that. I won't forget anything you've done for us."

"It's not a one-way thing, is it, Dean? My life is infinitely better since I met Castiel and as I get to know all of you, it improves even more. I had a lovely long chat with your mother earlier. She's very like you."

"In all the best and worst ways." said Dean.

"She loves you very much."

"I know." he said, "And I love her. Having her back is so good for us."

"On the subject of your family, you told Sam there was no need for secrecy. Does that mean I can tell them things you tell me? Unless, of course, you ask me not to."

"Yeah. I'll probably regret it, but for now, I want to be as open about all this as possible. I've tried fighting alone and it never works out well. But please tell me if you ever think they can't handle it or that I'm being unfair to them."

"I'll always be honest with you, my dear. All I ask is that you try to always be honest with me."

"I will try." he said, noting gratefully that she had not asked him to do more than try. She knew the limitations a lifetime of bad habits had left him.


	64. Chapter 64

Cas felt completely ridiculous in the outfit Sarah had given him. The dark blue jeans felt tighter than his usual clothing. The black and white plaid shirt seemed far too likely to attract attention. The boots had more of a heel than he was accustomed to and he had felt a lot happier in the hat when only Dean had been around to see him in it. 

He looked at the coat hanging nearby. It was a much better choice. Everyone knew it, so it would not draw anyone's notice. He had only considered wearing something else because Dean wanted him to and he knew Dean would be the first to laugh if he looked stupid. He went over to the coat and reached out to take it. As he touched it, Jules knocked on the door and said, "Are you ready, Cas?"

"No." he said, "I need to change."

"Into the things Sarah gave you?" she said.

"No, into proper clothing." he said.

She opened the door. "You agreed to let me see first."

He stood in front of her, waiting for the laughter.

"Wow." she said.

"I know." he said, "I look ... "

"You look great." she said. She undid the cuff on his right sleeve and rolled it up a couple of inches, then did the same with the left. She ran her hand along his forearm and smiled. "I never noticed before, you have some well-toned arms."

"I ... " He gave up. He had no idea how to respond to that.

She took off the hat. He thought she was about to put it aside, but instead, she merely replaced it at a different angle. "The black hat makes your eyes seem more blue." she said.

"Oh." he said, "Is that good?"

"Yes, that's good, Cas." she said.

"I thought, maybe the coat." he said, looking over to it.

"No," she said, "Not the coat."

"You said you liked the coat." he said.

"I do like the coat, but for the party, this is better." she said. One button of the shirt was already undone. She undid the next one down.

"Are you sure?" he said.

"You never ask me that about magic or hunting." she said. She adjusted his collar. "Look in the mirror." she said. Turning him with a hand on his shoulder.

He went over to look. He looked very different. "Is Dean back yet?" he said.

"You trust his opinion more than mine?" she said, sounding upset.

"No." he said.

She looked at him for a moment. He felt bad. She was trying to help and now he had offended her.

He looked in the mirror again. Then he worried that turning away from her might be seen as hostility or rejection. He turned back, trying to think of something to say.

Jules came over to stand in front of him. "This isn't a test, Cas. This isn't something you pass or fail. You're going to a party. It'll be fun. You look great. You look amazing. I know it's not easy to try something new, but you're rocking that look. If you need Dean to approve it, we can wait here until he gets home."

"I just know that if I look stupid, Dean will laugh at me." he said.

"You don't look stupid." she said, "You look hot."

"I do?" he said.

"Cas, you're the best looking man in a bunker that has Sam and Dean Winchester in it."

He was surprised. Nobody had said that to him before. "Is it the hat?" he said. Dean had said that chicks liked them.

"No. It's not the hat, Cas. It's the hair under the hat. It's those incredible blue eyes and the smile that makes all hearts melt and the toned arms and the strong chest and the well-shaped legs and that perfect ass that usually gets hidden by the coat." She smiled nervously. "I probably shouldn't have said any of that."

"It was all very kind." said Cas.

"Now you're terrified." she said, "That's precisely what I wanted to avoid."

"No, I was always terrified." said Cas, "Now I'm terrified and confused."

"What's confusing you?" she said.

"Women like Dean." he said, "I mean, they really like him."

"Yes, wherever he goes."

"You've met Dean." he said.

"Yes, I have."

"But you say I'm better looking."

"You're a lot more my type." she said. She smiled at him. "There's no need to worry. I know you're not attracted to me. I won't start stalking you. We're just friends. I just happen to be a friend who thinks you are a great looking guy."

"Why do you say I'm not attracted to you?" he said.

"The panic in your eyes." said Jules. 

"The panic is fairly standard fear of being expected to interact with people who may not understand me as well as Sam and Dean do." he said.

"Oh." she said.

"Obviously, I know you're not interested in me."

"Why's that?" she said.

"Well, you're a human and a hunter and you're funny and clever and you could just take your pick from this world's men and they'd be grateful that you even saw them."

"Wow." she said.

"Yes, I notice these things."

"You're an angel."

"I noticed that, too." he said.

"You really think you're less than human?"

"Of course." he said.

"Well, I don't. I really like you. I don't want to put any pressure on you, especially today, but I want to give you three pieces of advice that will help you a lot. First, never think you are less than anybody else. You're not. You're better. Second, don't think people don't like you, just because they don't know how to tell you."

"And third?" he said, when she had not said anything for an uncomfortably long time.

She straightened his left sleeve. "Third, never, ever, doubt Sarah's advice. What you're wearing is so exactly right for you."


	65. Chapter 65

Sarah arrived like royalty, walking into the party area on Dean's arm. Sam went over to meet her, taking her hands in his and kissing her cheek. "I hope everything's as you wanted it." he said.

"Can you show me someplace where I can get changed?" she said.

"No problem." he said.

"Where's Cas?" said Dean.

"In his room, getting ready." said Sam, "Jules went to help."

"Oh. Sounds hopeful."

"I think he's losing confidence." said Sam, "But Jules seems to know what to do."

"Great. I'll get changed and see you all there. You should get ready."

"Yeah, I'll just show Sarah to Mom's room."

As he and Sarah walked, she said, "How are you, Sam?" His fraction of a second hesitation got her attention. "Something's on your mind." she said.

"Yeah, a few things." he said, "Nothing I can talk about."

"Usually, you and Jack are the most open with me. Are you sure you can't tell me?"

"I'm sure, but I'm fine."

Jack ran up to them, dressed in the light-coloured leather jacket that Sarah had given him. His white shirt had blue embroidery across the chest and the horse head belt buckle shone silver above navy blue jeans that were tucked into pale leather boots. "Sarah!" he said, "How do I look?" 

She beamed her warm smile and said, "Jack, you look perfect! I hope you're ready to dance!"

"I am." he said, "You have to dance with me for the first dance, so I can learn a bit from you."

"I could have taught you a little." said Sam.

"I don't want to be too good." said Jack, "People like me when I'm not too good. I have to go. Mark said I can help with the meat."

Jack hurried off and Sarah turned to Sam. "That boy always makes me feel so excited about life. He's so young and so joyful."

"Yeah, he is." said Sam. He wanted to tell her that Jack was also helping him to keep Dean and Cas safe, but he couldn't justify putting her in a position where she had to lie to them all.

"Are you worried about Dean?" she said.

"Yes." he said, "You've spoken to him today. Do you think he means what he said about trying to deal with his problems?"

"Yes, Sam, I do. Dean has clearly given it a lot of thought and I do believe he's ready."

"Good. Last night, I thought so too. I just worry that he'll lose his nerve."

"He may well, but not, I think, for long. He understands now that the choice is not to stay as he is or change, but to change or deteriorate. Your brother is very strong. What he commits to, he will accomplish. But he may struggle sometimes, along the way. I'm counting on you and Castiel to support him."

"We will." said Sam, "We'll do anything to help him."

"Including addressing your own issues?" she said. She looked into his eyes.

He nodded. "I can't promise to do it quickly, but I know I need to do it, for him and for me."

"Yes."

They stopped at Mary's door. "Mom has already dressed and gone to help serve the food, so she said you can use her room." said Sam.

"Do you have something to wear?" she said.

"Don't worry. I'll be there in a few minutes, looking like a Texas Ranger."

"I think that look could be good for you. If there's any problem with Castiel, send a text and I'll fetch him. Sometimes, he is surprisingly shy for a high powered celestial being."

"I think Jules will get him to the party." said Sam.

He went to his room and got dressed. Last time he had worn those clothes, he had been hunting a phoenix in the past. A lot had happened since then, good and bad, but he and Dean and Cas were still alive, still fighting, still together. He took Cas's present and card from their hiding place and went to join the party.


	66. Chapter 66

The first thing Dean did when he got to his room was to wrap Cas's present. He couldn't really explain why he hadn't done that already or why he had taken it to the bar the night before, out of its box and held it as he told Sam and Cas his decision. He only knew that he would never have managed to get the words out if he had not had it with him.

Something flickered in his chest. For a moment, he wondered if he had picked up on Cas's nervousness, but then he remembered that was impossible. He must just be anxious himself, about his promise, about the party, about Cas. He changed into some ornate jeans, his favourite cowboy boots a denim shirt and a tooled leather vest and then grabbed his hat. Before he headed to the party, he called Cas's phone.

"Hello, Dean." said Cas, "Are you back now?"

"Yes." said Dean, "I'm about to go to the party. Are you ready?"

"I'll be there soon." said Cas.

"Do you need me to ... "

"Jules is coming with me." said Cas quickly.

"Oh. Good. See you soon, then." He was curious, but Cas didn't seem interested in filling in any details, so he decided not to ask for any. Any relationship between Jules and Cas was likely to take years, not hours, to form.

The garage looked fantastic and the smell of grilled meats came in from outside. People were already starting to eat and drink and talk and music played from the speakers. Dean saw his mother handing out beers and went over to her. "Cas will be here soon." he said.

"Everything still on track for you and Sarah?" she asked quietly.

"You think I'd have backed out already?" he said. Her look was an eloquent reply. "Well, I haven't. I'm not going to." He looked around. There was still no sign of Cas. He touched the chain around his neck. The key was hidden under his shirt. He thought about taking it off, but Cas would be wearing his, so there was no point.

It worried him how often that thought entered his head, how ready he was to ignore Cas's distress every time anyone mentioned the mind curse. He looked at his mother, who kept glancing at him between offering people drinks. "I need to get my life back under my control." he said.

"You'll do it." she said.

"I need a way to make the effects of the damn talisman permanent." he said.

"Why? All you need to do is wear it." she said.

"Because I'm a lousy friend." he said.

She put her hand on his shoulder. "That's not true." she said.

There was a ripple of applause. Cas and Jules had arrived. Jules wore a long, blue and white skirt with an intricately embroidered white blouse. She didn't seem quite so scholarly now and he had to admit, she was very pretty. Then he saw Cas. Cas was coatless and dressed in very well-chosen clothes. Jules led him over to Dean, past many people wishing him a happy birthday. 

"What do you think?" she asked Dean.

"Wow." said Dean, "Cas, you look ... "

"I know." said Cas, "Please don't laugh."

"Why would I laugh? Cas, we're gonna be peeling girls off you for days."

"He means you look great." said Mary.

"Yeah, of course I do." said Dean.

Jack came in from outside. "Someone said Castiel is here." he said. He held out a small package and a card. "Happy birthday!" he said.

Cas opened the card first. There was a bee on the front. He read the message inside aloud. "Bee happy, now and always, to my beloved father, from Jack."

"I hope the present is the right one." said Jack, "There was no way to check without spoiling the surprise."

Cas opened it. Inside, was a small, leather wallet. He opened it and said, "How did you find her?"

"The internet." said Jack.

"Find who?" said Dean.

Cas gave him the wallet. It held the photograph of a young woman in clothes from the 1900s. "My first earthly vessel." he said.

"Cas, you were a babe!" said Dean.

"Yes, she was." said Cas.

"Lucky we didn't meet when you were in that body." said Dean.

"I was the same being then that I am now."

"Only way hotter." said Dean, "And this is probably the weirdest conversation we've ever had."

"Dean, this isn't even in the top thirty." said Cas.

"I just need to talk to Cas alone for a second." said Deanm swiftly adding, "On a subject unrelated to his former hotness." Cas followed him to a quiet part of the garage. "You probably don't need it. I mean, you definitely don't need it, having all those angelic powers," he said, "But a hunter should have one, so I got you one." He decided he had said far too many words to far too little effect, so he handed over the present. "There's no card." he said, "I just didn't think of that."

Cas held the wrapped present and stared at it. He said nothing.

"You should open it." said Dean, "If you don't like it ... "

"Of course I like it!" said Cas.

"Right now, all you like is the shiny red paper."

"Right now, what I love is that you got me a present." said Cas. He carefully opened it and then opened the equally shiny box inside. He took out the silver lighter and turned it around several times. Dean swallowed anxiously as Cas saw the inscription. Cas looked up at him and said, "I didn't know you knew that much Latin."

"I don't." said Dean, "I made Sam translate it. I didn't tell him which phrase I needed, just gave him a whole bunch of them. He'd better have translated it right. If Lux tua, vita mihi means ..."

"Your light, my life." said Cas, "Is that what you wanted it to say?"

"Yes, that's right." said Dean, "And it's not something you need to keep secret. I just wanted you to know what it said before Sam did. A hunter should have a lighter." he repeated, "Sorry there's no card. Do you like it?"

"I love it." said Cas, "I knew I would. I never expected the Latin. I never expected the words, any words and especially not words like those."

"Yeah, well, keep it with you, then when I say dumb stuff, you can look at that and know I don't mean it, because you don't have words engraved in silver that you don't mean."

"Thankyou seems inadequate." said Cas, "But if I say that I will treasure this because it is a tangible proof of our friendship, you'll be uncomfortable."

Dean smiled. "Yeah, I probably will, so we won't do that."

"There you are!" said Sarah, coming to reclaim her angel.

Quickly, before Cas went with her back into the brightly lit party, Dean said, "Happy birthday! You look great."


	67. Chapter 67

Cas and Sarah moved through the party and wherever he went, Cas was being patted on the back, hugged and given things. Several people gave him whisky, some with the words, "Dean said you like whisky." Maggie gave him an MP3 player which he immediately decided he would not mention to Dean. Sarah took each present from him and put it on a table. 

He didn't give her the lighter. He had already decided he never wanted that to go beyond his reach. The words, Lux tua, vita mihi were the most poetic and powerful Dean had ever used of their relationship and he knew that Dean generally preferred such things unsaid. It was obvious that Dean wanted him to know that he mattered and, given their recent history, that made him very happy.

Sarah led him to Bobby, who stood off to the side with a beehive beside him, painted yellow and green.

"Happy birthday!" said Bobby, "I made this for your future bees. Then, today, Sarah told me you like to name the queens, so I made this to go on the front." He gave Cas a small wooden label with a wooden flower attached to it. "The hive will fit on the top of the bunker."

"It's a work of art." said Cas, "Thanks, Bobby." He ran his hand over the weather-proof roof and admired the workmanship of the panels. 

"I used to know a beekeeper back home. You know. before the bees went extinct. I can build pretty much anything I've seen disassembled. I just wanted to make sure you had the hive when the swarm happened."

Cas wished he knew how to tell Bobby what it meant to him to have someone else believe in the future in which he was finding it so hard to have any faith. 

Sarah examined the hive closely. "That is a fine piece of work. I have a few that need some renovation, if you ever have time on your hands, Bobby." she said.

"Always happy to help." said Bobby. He smiled at Cas. "I'm glad you like it."

"I love it and so will the bees." said Cas.

Sarah picked up a wrapped present from behind the beehive and gave it to him. "That's from me, Castiel."

It was larger than any of the other presents she had given him. There was a card on the front and he opened that first. A teddy bear with a big slice of cake grinned at him. Looking inside, he read, "To Heaven's best and Earth's favourite, with love for a happy birthday. All my love, always, Sarah."

He hugged her and then opened the present. It was a framed watercolour painting of the farmhouse, the beehives just visible behind it. "You painted this for me?" he said, knowing how many hours that must have taken.

"For your room here." she said, "So you can always have the peace of the farm with you here."

"I can knock in a hook for you to hang that on." said Bobby.

"Thankyou." said Cas to Bobby. He kissed the top of Sarah's head. "Since the day we met, you have been so good to me."

"You saved my life and made it worth living." she said.

"You did the same for me." he said.

Jules came up behind him and said, "That's a beautiful painting."

"It is." said Cas, "It's the most peaceful place in the world and Sarah is an incredible artist."

She put her hand on his shoulder. Something about her touch felt different and special. She had said she was attracted to him and now there was an added little charge to every interaction between them. "The dancing will be starting soon." she said.

"You must go and dance." said Sarah to him, "And I must find Jack. The painting will be safe here.

He turned to look at Jules. "I'm not the best dancer in the world." he said.

She smiled. "I'm short on technique, but I can dance until dawn."

"I can dance forever." he said.

"On the head of a pin, I hear." she said, smiling.

He looked across to where Dean was talking to his mother. Dean would know exactly what to say to Jules. Dean would know what Jules was saying to him. Cas didn't know whether she was being platonically playful and friendly or flirting with him and it seemed a bad idea to ask. Not that it mattered. He could not start anything romantic with her. She had no intention of staying in the bunker and he would never willingly leave the Winchesters. It would have been good, though, to know whether she really had any interest in him.

"Dean's fine." she said, misreading his expression. He was relieved that she could be wrong about his thoughts. At least the confusion in his head was not entirely visible on his face.


	68. Chapter 68

Sam joined the party just as people began gathering to dance. He waved to Sarah as she and Jack stood waiting on the dance floor. She waved back. He looked around and saw Dean, standing alone, watching with an air of detachment. He went over to stand with him.

Dean nodded to him, but it seemed less an acknowledgement than a pretence at interaction. His brother seemed far, far away.

"You okay?" he said.

Dean pointed to Cas and Jules, just taking their places in the double line of dancers. Cas looked very different, both because of the cowboy outfit instead of his coat and because he was smiling as if he didn't have a care in the world. "He's okay, so I'm okay." he said.

"That's not much of an answer. You did say you'd be honest." said Sam, guiltily aware that he was deceiving Dean far more.

"I'm okay." said Dean, "Really, Sammy, I'm fine. Ask again, I'll say the same."

"You're barely on the same planet." said Sam.

"I get it now." said Dean, "I get why you love them. You have a great team here."

"Bobby's people, not mine." said Sam, "If you're even thinking of leaving, forget it."

"Leaving?" said Dean, suddenly seeming to come to his senses, "Why would you think I'd leave?"

"You're hardly here now." said Sam, "There's something wrong."

"It's not what you think." said Dean, "Sarah thinks I should go to her place for a few days."

"And that's it? That's why you're zoning out on me?" said Sam.

"Remember when I went to the cabin with Cas? I'm still not sure that was my best idea. Leaving you always stinks. There's Michael to consider. There's Jack."

"You'd be thirty minutes away." said Sam, "Less, the way you drive. If Sarah thinks going there will help, do it."

"And leave you with all this, when you're a mess yourself?"

"Thanks, Dean. Always great to know you have faith in me."

"I'm not saying you can't do the job, Sam, I'm just saying you shouldn't have to do it alone."

"I'm not alone. As you said, I'm surrounded by good people. Are you looking for excuses not to go?"

"No," said Dean, "But I will. I admit it, the thought is terrifying. Alone at Sarah's place, without you, without Cas, with Sarah, who sees my soul and isn't fooled by anything I say? It's not a great feeling."

"But you want to change. You really want this."

"I do. I really do. I just wish I could skip to the part where it's done."

"Dean, it's gonna take years."

"Probably." said Dean, "And maybe I've been right all along that there is nothing left of who I was, before Dad, before Hell."

"You're still the same person."

"How do you know?" said Dean.

"Because you still want to protect the rest of us, just like you always did. I get why this is so hard for you, why even thinking of helping yourself feels wrong to you. You think the pain is something you deserve for the mistakes you made, but it's not. Sarah sees that, so she can help you to see it. I think you should go."

"Handling my darkness hurt Cas. I'm still not sure he's recovered from it."

"Sarah isn't Cas. She's stronger. I think she's been through every human emotion there is. She also understands evasion, repression, your whole playbook. Besides, we'll always have Carthage."

"I know you think I'm afraid to do this and you are so, so right on that, by the way, but there's more to it than that. Now is the worst possible time to take my eye off the ball, to be busy with trivialities when we are facing a cosmic war ... "

"When are we not, Dean?" said Sam.

"The point is ... "

"That you don't matter."

"That this is not a matter of life and death."

"It is." said Sam, "Because what you're doing isn't living. It's lurching from one pit of despair to the next, only surfacing for long enough to make sure Cas and I are okay. I want you to be free, Dean. I want you to have days when you don't feel like crap. I want you to look at these people and see the friends who love you, not the people for whom you plan to die, one way or another."

"When did you last feel good, Sammy?" said Dean, reminding him of the time he had asked Dean the question in this very garage.

"How can I feel good when you don't?" said Sam, "I need to know that you really do plan to take care of yourself for once. If Sarah thinks being there will help, then go there. Sarah knows what she's talking about."

Dean nodded. "I'll think about it. Nice costume, by the way. I knew you'd never get rid of it."

Sam shrugged. "I'm wearing this for Sarah, not for you."

"Did you see what Cas is wearing?" said Dean, "It's like he's finally hatched out of that beige egg."

"Don't say that to him." said Sam, "He's very sensitive about that coat and it's only because of Jules that he had the nerve to go through with changing."

"We all need someone to help us with that." said Dean.

"And you have Sarah and you have me." said Sam.

Dean was watching Cas with Jules. "Is it just me, or is she touching him a lot?"

"I think you were right about those two." said Sam, "I saw them in the corridor earlier and they were standing very close together."

"Can't spell subtext without ... "

"What?" said Sam.

"Nothing. I just want him to be happy. Maybe, if I go away for a few days, it'll give him a chance to spend more time with her. If nothing else, it'll stop me interfering."

"Not sure anything can do that." said Sam, "I've met you."


	69. Chapter 69

Life around humans brought good things and bad to an angel. Human pain was rough and jagged and cruel and just being around it hurt constantly until the angel managed to learn how to dampen the signal. Human art, human music, touched something deep within. Castiel loved so many kinds of music and dancing to it brought in another dimension of emotion. 

As for human touch, on a human vessel's human body, that was something almost overwhelming. Cas was beginning to understand that his coat did indeed have some of the qualities of armour. It reduced the intensity of sensation when someone touched him. It shielded him from a little of that human contact. That was, he told himself, why the feeling of hands on his arms, his shoulders and his waist when he was wearing only a thin cotton shirt was so powerful. He simply wasn't used to it.

Sadly, that didn't explain why looking into her eyes made him lose track of his thoughts or why when she smiled, he smiled too. 

He loved the music, simple though it was. For a mind as complex as his, there was a lot to be said for simplicity, a good melody, a lightness and joy, the simple faith one brother had in another, the undemanding friendship offered by a woman who didn't see his uncertainty as aloof arrogance. 

He held her hands, loving the feeling of her fingers on his flesh, wondering how such innocent contact could feel so close to erotic, but then, to celestial beings, the sensations that surged, moment by moment, through a solid, earthy, human body were always close to overwhelming. They were heady and exciting and distracting and terrifying and he had believed he had learned to live with them, to ignore them to a degree. 

It was going to take a little more work to ignore Jules. At every step of the dance, he felt more alive and more intoxicated and he told himself that this was why he did not dance much and he reminded himself that he could have no possible future with her or with any human woman, but he had been so lonely for so long and he knew that she knew what he was and she had called him her friend.

As he was thinking that, another friend danced past with his son. Sarah smiled at him and he smiled back. Sarah hugged him a lot. She held his hand a lot. No amorous connotations ever entered his head. Dancing with her was sweet and fun, but nothing like dancing with Jules.

He watched Jack and Sarah dance off down the long line of dancing couples and he saw that they were playing it for laughs. Jack, whose talent for acquiring skills was impressive, had worked hard not to acquire too much skill at this. As he made comical missteps, the people around him laughed and smiled and loved him a little more.

"You look happy." said Jules, pulling his attention back to their dance.

"I am." he said, knowing that any angel who saw him would be appalled at how he had allowed human feelings to become his own. They had been taught to ignore the needs that came only from the humanity of their vessels and his vessel now contained no human soul. He had no excuse.

Humanity, though, had taught him to think for himself, to want things beyond obedience to the will of Heaven. The human corruption that angels could see at work in his life felt more pure and holy than Heaven ever had or ever could. God had told them to bow before his humans and Cas could think of five humans in this building alone before whom he would fall to his knees without hesitation, had one of them not threatened to hamstring him with his own angel blade if he even thought about it.

"Do I talk too much?" said Jules.

"No, I think I talk too little." said Cas, "I'm sorry. I find the intensity of your presence overpowering."

"That doesn't sound good." she said.

It wasn't good. He knew that. It was dangerous and distracting and unfair to her and unwise for him and he knew that Dean would tell him to go for it anyway and Sarah would say that he was afraid because he didn't understand emotion enough and not because the world would end if he let himself feel something so intense and so wonderful. He looked into her beautiful eyes and he knew he needed to be very careful, for her sake more than his. He reminded himself that he would not survive a fight with Michael. There was no point in trying to be human, when he was very soon likely to be dead.

"We stand no chance around humans." he said, "We were intended to protect from a distance, not to be a part of their lives. Nobody told us how to deal with these feelings."

"What feelings?" said Jules.

"I don't know." he said.

"Good feelings?" she said.

He wondered how his feet knew what to do all the time, when his head was anywhere but on the dancefloor. He was confused and anxious and there were fifteen arguments going on inside his mind, but Jules was holding his hands and her smile gave him the same sense of wonder as a sunrise and she cared how he was feeling.

"They feel good to me." he said, with absolute honesty.


	70. Chapter 70

Dean watched the dancers, enjoying their enjoyment. He loved seeing Sarah dancing with the exuberance of a teenager on the hip that Cas had saved from arthritis at the same time that he had healed her cancer. It was wonderful to think that there was another person in the world whose life had been changed to that degree by the same angel. She had said it made them family and he had to agree.

Jack was laughing and grinning and playing the fool and he was making everyone love him. He didn't mind being laughed at, as long as he made those around him happy in some way.

Cas was dancing with Jules and dancing surprisingly well. He looked very different and his cowboy disguise seemed to be liberating a side of him Dean didn't usually see. He seemed to be starting to relax and enjoy himself. He looked at Jules with obvious interest and she seemed to have no problem with that. Dean wanted them to kiss. Cas never seemed to want anything for himself. Dean wanted him to have everything. He was fighting the urge to try to intervene, explain to Jules that Cas was attracted to her, but just pathologically incapable of doing anything about it, but he knew he would only scare Cas and offend Jules. He had to trust that Cas would eventually see that Jules was worth taking the chance.

The dance ended and Sarah came over to him. "Are you ready to dance, yet, Dean?"

He was surrounded by witnesses. He could feel a lifetime of misery trying to break through. He needed to keep control and that meant no dancing. "I'm sorry." he said.

"Later, maybe." she suggested.

"Yeah, maybe." he said. He saw her look and he looked away. "Sam was around here a minute ago. You could dance with him."

She smiled. "Sam needs a little more time. There's something weighing on his mind and he thinks he doesn't want to tell me about it."

"It could be the fact that I'm losing my mind." said Dean, "He's trying to act like he's not worried, but he was always able to rely on me before. Now he can't."

"You still seem very reliable to me."

"It's still happening." he said, "I still feel like I'm reading Cas's mind."

"Are you sure you're not?" she said, "Maybe the talismans don't work fully when an angel is involved."

"I'd rather be going crazy." he said. He looked across to where Cas was talking to Jules. "Look at him. He's happy. He knows he's free of the mind curse. I wish I could be."

"Does Sam think the talismans are working?" she said.

He watched Cas closely, hoping he had not heard that, but Cas was listening to something Jules said. "We can't talk about this here." he said, "But yes, Sam is sure. And Sam is right." he added, "I trust Sam a lot more than I trust myself."

Sarah looked at Cas. "He's starting to relax around her."

"Maybe he's finally worked out that she's into him." said Dean. He could see plenty of evidence that Cas was equally into her. She had his full attention. "They could be great together."

"Yes, I think they could." said Sarah, "Of course, he may still have some feelings for Meg, which could cause complications."

"Meg is dead." said Dean.

"And are you and I going to pretend to each other that death makes a difference to love?"

"I'm not sure what he felt for Meg was love." he said.

"Nor am I, but we should be ready to help him if he has some conflicting feelings about that or about anything else."

"Of course." he said.

"Would you be considering my help if you weren't worried about your sanity?" she said.

"Does it matter?" he said. He saw Sam talking to Bobby. He saw their mutual respect. "You know the hardest part of taking care of someone their whole life?" he said, "Knowing when it's time to get out of their way and let them live their own life."

Sarah said nothing, but she watched his face.

"It's not easy, to step back. In my head, he's just a kid. I see him doing incredible things and the thought haunts me, 'What if he fails?' But he's not failing, he's flying. He doesn't sleep, he barely eats and I worry about him all the time, but now, when they talk about Winchester in hushed tones, it's him they mean, not Dad. He doesn't need me, second guessing his every move. He wants me to stay at your place for a few days and it's not entirely about my sanity. It's also important for his."

Then he looked across at Cas again. Jules was about to dance again, this time with Mark and Cas seemed okay with that. He watched her with a smile as the music started.

"Cas is another matter." he said, "He's vulnerable in all kinds of ways and I don't know if I can leave him when he's still getting over what the mind curse did to him and then there's the Jules situation ... "

"What do you want to do?" said Sarah, "What will help you?"

He thought about it, looking around at all the people who needed him to be sane and useful. Sam needed him to go, Cas needed him to stay. Every person he saw seemed to need something from him.

"It's not about them." she said.

"It's all about them." he said, "It always has been."

"How things have always been is precisely the problem we need to fix." she said.

"Yeah, I know, but I can't fix being a Winchester. I wouldn't want to."

"If you try to meet the needs of everyone in the bunker at once, you'll find it impossible. Why can't you put your own needs first, just once?"

"It's not who I am." he said, "And now you're gonna say that who I am is what we have to change."

She smiled. "No, Dean. I'd never want to change who you are. What's the biggest thing stopping you from leaving here for a few days?"

"Cas." he said.

"Then talk to him."

"Tomorrow." he said. He looked at her. "I promise, tomorrow. If he needs me to stay here, I stay here. If he doesn't, I can go to the farm for a few days."

"You trust me not to go to him now and tell him what to say?" she said.

"You care about him as much as I do. You won't do anything contrary to his interests." said Dean.

She nodded. "Of course, if things go well with Jules, he may become less your problem and more hers."

"Yeah. He'll always be my problem. I yanked him out of Heaven the minute he pulled me out of Hell. I owe him, forever."


	71. Chapter 71

Sam was trying to keep an eye on both Dean and Cas, watching for any sign that either might be picking up the other's feelings in this emotional setting, but all seemed to be going well. Dean was standing with Sarah and Sam wanted to avoid her and above all to avoid being scrutinised by both her and Dean at once. Cas was alone, watching the dancers and occasionally turning to acknowledge some kind wishes or accept another gift. Sam decided to check on him. He was watching Jules dance with Mark, but he didn't seem jealous at all.

"Everyone seems to be having a good time." he said to Cas.

"Yes." said Cas, "Look at Jules. She loves to dance. I love Sarah for making this happen. I wasn't sure, but Sarah was right. It is a lot more fun with more people."

Sam gave him his present and card. "Happy birthday." he said.

Cas opened the card first. He smiled on seeing Shaggy and Scooby on the front and the words, "Happy birthday, Brother!" Inside, the card said, "Eternity is not long enough. Every year with you is a blessing. Happy birthday, Assbutt!" He smiled at Sam. "Thanks, Sam." He began to open the present.

"I know you have your angel blade," said Sam, "But the knife's blade is iron and it was made by the guy who made one of Dad's favourite knives and ... "

"And a hunter should have a pure iron blade." said Cas. He examined the knife and then saw the initials in the hilt, CW. His fingers curled around it as if he had been using it his whole life. He tried out a few moves with it, as much as he could with so many people around. "That," he said, "Is a beautiful weapon."

"I'm glad you like it." said Sam.

"My worldly possessions have more than doubled today." said Cas, "Everyone is so generous."

"What did Dean get you?" said Sam.

Cas reached into his pocket and brought out Dean's gift. 

On the front of the lighter, he saw one of the phrases he had translated for Dean, Lux tua, vita mihi. "Your light, my life." he said.

Cas nodded. 

"I knew when he gave me the list of phrases to translate, there must be something important on it. I never thought that would be the one."

"He didn't even tell me to keep it secret." said Cas.

"He's not ashamed of valuing your friendship, just not great at putting things into words."

Cas took the lighter back. He put it straight back into his pocket. "Sam, I think Jules may like me."

"Yeah, Jules likes you. What finally convinced you it was a possibility?"

"She said she does."

"That's usually a good clue." said Sam, trying not to smile, "And have you worked out how you feel about her?"

"Not really." said Cas, "Too many irrelevant physical sensations are distracting me."

"Irrelevant physical sensations such as ... " said Sam.

"I never noticed before how much the coat removes or reduces the feeling of being touched."

"Yeah, I saw she was touching your arms a lot."

"Arms, shoulder, hands, chest. I could draw a map."

"You hated it?" said Sam.

"Hate is too strong a word. It was distracting. It stopped me from evaluating our encounter intelligently."

"Because all you could think about was her touch?"

"And her eyes and her smile, but obviously, the touch thing mostly, because of not having the coat." Cas seemed completely serious. 

Sam kept his expression sensible and unamused, but he was smiling inside. Cas really believed that, had he worn the coat, he would have been untroubled by her touch.

Then again, he clearly felt overwhelmed and Sam didn't want him to feel that way. "Don't worry about it." he said, "Maybe you just need to let yourself get used to it."

"Being without the coat?" said Cas.

"No!" said Sam, knowing that any such suggestion would only cause panic, "No, just human stuff, human touch, interaction."

"I've been interacting with humans for years." said Cas.

"Not that closely. You're new to this. Don't see it as bad that something got to you like that. The best human experiences are full of sensations that can be overwhelming."

Cas smiled. "Like April."

Sam nodded uneasily. It bothered him how both Cas and Dean just ignored the fact that the amorous reaper had tortured and killed Cas. That Cas regarded the sex that had preceded it as a happy memory just showed how little affection he had received in his life. "Yeah, like April." he said, "Sort of."

"Sarah and I have danced many times. It never felt like that." said Cas.

"Different relationship." said Sam.

"And I wasn't wearing the coat this time."

"So, apart from the distraction, apart from Jules, are you having a good birthday?" said Sam.

"I didn't mean to suggest that Jules was not part of the good things." said Cas, "Dancing with her felt good."

"Even with the 'distractions' she caused?" said Sam.

"The distractions felt good too." said Cas, "They just made rational thought a little difficult and I wanted to be rational when I evaluated our relationship."

"Relationships are emotional, not rational." said Sam.

"I know, but I need to think rationally about them, otherwise, I could make a mistake, to her detriment and mine."

"I'm all for caution, but there's a time when you have to let the heart rule the head."

"Does that ever turn out well for you and Dean?"

"Not yet." Sam admitted.


	72. Chapter 72

Dean went to his mother. "Hey, Winchester, you said you'd dance with me. Quit flirting with these other guys and keep your promise."

"Yeah, you're gonna watch your tongue, or I start telling stories of little toddler Dean." she said.

"Okay, Mom, would you care to dance with me?" 

"Better." she said, "But shouldn't you dance with Sarah?"

"I should and I probably will, but she understands that I can't yet." he said, "I'm okay dancing with you."

She put her hand on his shoulder. "I'm guessing you don't need somebody else offering advice, but if I can help, I want to." She let go of his shoulder.

"I know and you can, but for now, by dancing with me, so Cas thinks I'm okay and Sarah knows I'm trying."

"I've been reading Lazarus Rising unsupervised. Quite a story." she said.

"Don't say it like that. It was never about supervising you. We just wanted to protect you."

Paul and Mark walked to the top of the dance floor with their fiddles. Paul shouted, "For our new friend Sarah and our favourite angel, Castiel, we think we can provide some better music!" They started playing.

Dean grinned at his mother, "They're good!"

"Yes, they are." she said, "Let's not waste the music."

They joined the dance. Dean tried not to look at Cas or Sarah, but found himself glancing at both. Cas saw him dancing and nodded his approval. Sarah smiled at him. 

His mother said, "Cas worries about you a lot, doesn't he? I get why, reading that book. He feels responsible for you, almost the same way I do."

"It's weird how he still obeys the commands of Heaven, even after rebelling several times. He still sees himself as our protector."

"And you think that's because Heaven told him to?"

"Partly." he said, "Oh, I know he's our friend for real, but he's also following a lot of rules from a long way back. He still thinks he has to watch over us, even when he's the one who needs to be looked after."

"Maybe he doesn't need it as much as you think." she said.

"Don't let the angel thing fool you. He'll say he's invulnerable, but when it comes to the emotional stuff, he breaks like a dead branch. This thing with Jules is so much beyond his comfort zone."

"He has a comfort zone?" she said.

Dean smiled. "Barely."

"Well, I may not be an expert on angels, but I know people and Jules is people and Castiel is more people than he thinks he is. Maybe I can help. You tell him, he can talk to me anytime."

"Thanks." said Dean, aware that Cas might not be able to talk to her. He still found it difficult, having some weird idea that saying the wrong thing to her could alter his relationship with her sons.

"You think it's your job, don't you?" she said, "Like everything else. You need to learn to delegate."

"I'm not even the leader here." he said.

"I'm worried, Dean. You seem to think everyone is your responsibility."

"Not everyone. You and Cas and Sam and Jack."

"And all the others."

"No, they're Sam's problem." he said.

"And any time you find out one has a problem, you try to fix it so Sam doesn't need to."

"Did Sarah tell you to say all this?" he said.

"So Sarah's noticed that too?"

"Sarah notices everything." He missed a few steps. His mind was not on the dance. He drew her off to the side. "Sorry. Too much Winchester, not enough Campbell. I'm gonna ... " he gestured to the outdoor area, where most of the food was.

"I'll come with you." she said.

He was about to ask her not to, but he knew going off alone would attract the attention of at least one of the others. "Okay." he said.

Outside, she said, "That wasn't about a mistake in the dance, was it?"

"Sarah wants me to stay at her place. Sam does too. It'll be like at the cabin."

"What happened at the cabin?" she said.

"Nothing good. I fell apart and Cas saw me fall apart and that's why he's been treating me like I'm made of glass ever since."

"Sarah told me some of her background. Dean, she has written papers on PTSD and related issues."

"I don't have PTSD. I have memories of Hell. She write a paper on that?"

"Maybe that's her next one." she said.

"Maybe I don't want to be her research subject."

"That's not how she sees you. That woman loves you. She wants to help."

"Yeah, well I don't know if I can be helped. I don't know if I wanna be. I do know there's a confused angel in there who has his first real chance at a non-fatal relationship and he's scared and lost and maybe he needs me more than I need to go poking at the Hell hole to see what crawls out this time."

"Did Heaven give you orders too, or is being his Mom better than facing the stuff your whole life is a distraction from?" Her expression softened. "Sorry. That was unfair. You're right. He does need you. We all do. You're the head of this family and we all rely on you so much. I can see how bad things are. The fact that you're now telling us the truth proves you know how bad things are. Let Sarah help you."

"Even if it means tearing me apart in the hope there's enough of old me left to heal?"

She started piling a plate with food for him. "You'll eat this for me, won't you?"

"Of course I will." he said.

"Dean, Sarah knows what you can take."

"Does she? I don't."

"She told me she has to be gentle with you and Sam. I don't think she'll be tearing you apart."

"If she doesn't, the mess in my head will." he said.

"Sweetheart, it's doing that all the time. You need to do something about it. Just take a few days to try whatever she suggests and then you can come back and help everyone else again."

"I'll talk to Cas tomorrow, but if he needs me, I'm staying. And don't tell him to say he doesn't, because I'll know if he's lying. He can't lie."


	73. Chapter 73

As the music ended, Cas saw Jules hug her partner, Bobby and then she came over to him. "Paul and Mark play well." she said.

"They're very good." he said.

She saw the knife in his hands. "That's a nice blade."

"It's from Sam." he said. He gave it to her. "It's very well-made."

"What's CW? she said.

"I am." he said. He saw her confusion and explained, "They say I'm a Winchester. I know I'm really not, but it means a lot to me that they see me that way and the truth is, I feel like I am."

"Of course you are." she said, "It's good that they acknowledge it. I love that they love you. You deserve that." She looked at the knife in her hand. "Let's put this with all the other presents."

"It's from Sam." he said.

"You want to dance with a knife in your hand?"

He thought about it. "Probably not." 

They went over to the presents and she put the knife near the centre of the pile. The warm-toned lights cast a golden glow around her and her dark eyes shone. He silently reminded himself not to fall in love. There wasn't time for that. There was no future. Hunters' lives always ended the same way and angels who went up against Michael died even quicker and without the whisky-drenched wake. In any case, any relationship with him in it was doomed to an early end.

"Could I take your photo?" he said, taking his phone from his pocket.

"Of course." she said, "Why do you want it?"

"Well, partly because you look great, dressed like that and mostly because, when I inevitably say or do something stupid and you decide never to speak to me again, I'll have something to remind me of the time we worked together - a very happy time for me."

She looked at him and gave a sad smile. Then she took his phone. "I have a better idea." She stood beside him and put her arm around his waist, then took a photo of the two of them together. He smiled and she took another. "That's a good one." she said, looking at it closely. "Now, send a copy to my phone, because I want it too."

As her hand left his side, he felt a sense of loss, but it soon faded when he looked at the picture. They looked like a couple.

"You're very kind to a fallen angel." he said.

"The way Dean and Sam tell it, you didn't fall, you rose."

"They just hate angels." he said, "I fell, I failed, I wrecked Heaven and wounded Earth. I think I am the most destructive angel in history ... a history that includes Lucifer." He looked into her eyes. "I shouldn't even be on the same planet as you. I shouldn't dare to look at you. Where there's hope, I bring despair. Where there's light, I bring darkness."

"You only bring me friendship and happiness." she said, "And I need both."

"Everything I ever tried to do went wrong."

"The Winchesters are not in Hell. That, you got right."

"Not exactly and both of them carry the scars of Hell. You know what will happen when Michael gets here? I'll defy him for the fraction of a second it takes for him to turn me into dust."

"Jack will kill him before he gets the chance." said Jules, "When you and the Winchesters are together, nothing can beat you. Nothing ever will."

"I wish I could believe that, but it's hopeless." he said.

"No, it isn't. Have you ever thought, maybe it isn't hopeless? Maybe you're just depressed."

"Sarah keeps saying that, but angels don't really get depressed."

"Cas, you keep telling me the long list of things angels don't do and you seem to do most of them. Sarah's known you a long time and you ... you barely know you at all. I think if she says you're depressed, you're depressed."

"But angels ... " 

"You're not like most angels. Maybe it's fairer to say that most angels are not like you. You've evolved."

"Angels don't evolve." he said, "At least, I don't think so."

"So you're the same angel you were when you brought Dean out of Hell?" she said.

He said nothing. He knew he had changed. Whether it was evolution or regression, he didn't know.

"You didn't fall." she said, "You evolved. Do you even see the things you can do? You go from Heaven to Earth to Hell and in each one, you can talk to those there in ways they can understand. You have friends in all three places."

"Not in Heaven so much, these days." he said.

"Well, on Earth, you have plenty." she said, "You've taken hit after hit. You've been betrayed, deceived, punished and obliterated and you're still here, fighting for what you believe in."

"What I believe in has changed over time."

"Yes. That's called growth." she said, "I admire you so much, Cas. I wish I had the courage you have. I wish I had your integrity. I wish I had your humanity. Being around you makes me a better person."

"I think you're just saying that to be kind, because you were a better person than I am before we met, but thanks for saying it."

"There's a lot more I could say, but I don't want to scare you away." she said. She put her hand lightly on his chest, apparently unaware of the intensity of feeling that caused. "I like you, Cas. I know you don't get it, but I'm going to find a way to show you. Hopefully a nice, non-threatening way that will stop you feeling so alone."

"You already did that." he said, "I never feel alone when I'm with you."

"You don't have the slightest idea what I'm talking about, do you?" she said, moving her hand away and slightly breaking his heart.

"It sounds good anyway." he said, wishing he had some kind of phrasebook.


	74. Chapter 74

Sam found Jack and said, "Jack, do you have a minute?"

"I always do for you." said Jack.

Sam took him out of the garage and to the solitude of the dungeon, where nobody could disturb them without being heard. "Jack, we have a problem."

"Meerkat containment?" said Jack.

"Yes. Dean is going to Sarah's for a few days. It's great. He should go. I told him to go. The only problem is, he'll basically be plunging back into Hell and Cas will be here worrying about him. Result?"

"Meerkats everywhere." said Jack, "And there's no way Castiel won't check if he feels Dean is in pain when he knows what he's going through at the time."

"And the more intense the therapy, the more likely Dean is to realise that he's perfectly sane and is not imagining the connection."

"Or think he's completely insane and do something crazy like trying to get away from all of us."

"There is no away. Distance doesn't alter a thing."

"No, so he won't try to put distance between him and Cas. He'll try to stop his mind transmitting to him."

"Least harmful choice, lots of alcohol. Most harmful, death."

"Dean would never kill himself." said Jack.

"Dean would do whatever it took to kill the link." said Sam.

"Why is it Dean that's picking up Castiel's thoughts? I would have thought the angel would be the one breaking the imaginary barrier."

"No offence, but celestials are, in general, far more gullible than humans. Cas doesn't doubt, even subconsciously. Not yet, anyway. If Dean's feelings are sufficiently intense and Cas is focused on Dean anyway, Cas will pick something up and know the talismans are as real as bigfoot."

"Wait, bigfoot isn't real?"

"Sorry, Jack." said Sam, "Of course, if Cas and Jules get together Cas will be distracted from Dean, but Dean may pick up Cas's happiness. So we'll then have meerkats going in all directions."

"Okay, this is probably a stupid idea, but what if Cas and Dean went to Sarah's house together? If they're both there, talking to each other, there's a good chance the connection won't happen and all the meerkats will stay in their ... where do meerkats live? Nests?"

"Tunnels." said Sam.

"Oh, okay. Bunker dwellers, like us. We could have been Team Meerkat."

"Don't suggest that to Dean." said Sam, "He'd want T-shirts."

"So do I, now!" said Jack.

"Your idea is a good one." said Sam, "And it might be good for both Dean and Cas to go through it together. Of course, it messes up the chances for Cas and Jules to get together for now, but a few days wouldn't make that much difference. I'll mention the idea, see what they say. Cas is not exactly rushing things with Jules. He may even welcome a few days away from the confusion."

"Is it always that bad?" said Jack.

"Most people struggle a bit with the romantic stuff, but no, Cas is in his own new level of stress about it. It's not his fault. Angels have issues."

"How about nephilim?" said Jack.

"Nobody knows." said Sam, "But you handle emotions, your own and other people's, a lot better than Cas does. Being half human seems to help."

"Being with you and Dean helps both of us." said Jack, "But you need to remember, I care about you as much as you care about me. I see what this is doing to you, lying to Dean and I know you feel like you're betraying him, but you're not. If there were any other way, you'd take it. You're doing what you need to do to protect them both. You know I would never support anything I felt betrayed either of them."

"Thanks, Jack. It helps to hear you say that."

"We're in this together, however bad it gets."

"I still wish I could find another way." said Sam.

"I know. Me too. I keep trying to think of one. We're still not telling Sarah, right?"

"Telling her is an absolute last resort, second only to telling Dean."

"I think that makes it the penultimate resort." said Jack.

Sam smiled. "You are very like Castiel."

"Thanks." said Jack, "If Dean works it out and asks you, right to your face, could you bluff it out?"

"I hope it never comes to that. I'd have to try, but I don't know if I could do it." Sam looked at the devil's trap on the floor. It seemed a fitting symbol for the mess they were in. "We were doing so well with all the honesty and now everything depends on one lie that we have to protect with everything we have."

"Lies are sometimes necessary." said Jack, "You and Dean taught me that."

"Yes, they are." said Sam, "But lying to Dean and Cas feels wrong, all the way. I just don't have a better option. And now I have to lie to Sarah too. At least I can tell you and Mom the truth."

"Please, always tell me the truth. Nobody should bear this kind of weight alone."

"Just one problem. I'm supposed to be taking care of you."

"I didn't get the chart." said Jack, "You and Dean look after Castiel, you and Castiel look after Dean, you, Dean and Castiel look after me. Someone doesn't have any support."

"Don't worry about me." said Sam, "My superpower is to keep going, no matter what."

"Yes and isn't that also Dean's?" said Jack, "Also, I know you're planning to back away from Sarah, because lying to her is hard and even though she was helping you a lot, Dean will always come first for you."

"You know nothing of the kind. You assume."

"Correctly." said Jack.

Sam nodded to the door and they started heading back to the party. "Nobody likes a smartass, Jack." 

"Just remember, you always have me."

"Yeah, I do." said Sam.

Back at the party, he was alarmed to see no sign of Dean, then he saw him in the doorway with Mary. 

"Come on, Jack. Let's get some food." he said.

They collected their food and then went back in and stood near Dean. "Is Castiel still having a good time?" said Jack.

"He's spending a lot of time with Jules. Hey, Sam, twenty dollars says they kiss tonight."

"I'm not gonna bet on my best friend's happiness, for or against." said Sam.

"Because you know I'm right." said Dean.

"They won't kiss for weeks." said Sam.

"Yeah, they'll kiss tonight. Look at the way he reacts whenever she touches his arm. Any normal couple would be tearing each other's clothes off by now, but this is Cas, so I'm saying they'll have one great kiss."

"Do people really tear each other's clothes off?" said Jack, "That sounds a little primitive."

"Yeah, it is." said Dean, grinning.

"Jack's not ready for this conversation." said Sam, "Not with you, anyway. He needs guidance from a mature, responsible adult." He looked across to where Cas was gazing at Jules. "And so does Cas."

"I can handle both." said Mary, "You boys have enough to deal with."

"When Jack needs to know, I'll tell him." said Dean, "I've had more sex than all of you put together and multiplied by ... " he saw his mother's face and said, "Okay. Forget I said that." He looked at Sam. "Sam, I need you to be very honest with me, okay?"

"Fine." said Sam.

"How sure are you that the talismans are working?"

"One hundred percent." said Sam without hesitation. He watched his brother's eyes and hated himself for the loss of hope in them.

"Good." said Dean, "That's what I thought."

"Did you have another ... " Sam began.

"No, nothing like that. I just wanted to be sure." He glanced at Cas. "He hasn't asked you, has he?"

"No. He can tell they're working, I think." said Sam.

"Good." said Dean again, "I need a drink." 

When he had gone, Sam said quietly to the other two, "The next time I go to Hell, I'll completely deserve it."


	75. Chapter 75

Sam had just ventured back into the party when he found himself confronted by Sarah. She looked at the plate in his hand and said, "That's not a lot of food."

"I'm a grazer by nature." he said, "It's all delicious."

"Have you been avoiding me?" she said.

"No, why would I do that?" he said. He smiled his most reassuring smile, knowing that she could see through Dean's mask and his was nothing like as sophisticated.

"Jack's looking at you as if you're about to catch fire." she said.

"Jack worries about us." said Sam. He searched for a distraction. Cas was watching the dance again. He looked very happy. "Cas is really enjoying himself."

"Yes. At least one of you is happy." she said.

"Meaning Dean isn't?" he said.

"Jack is anxious, Dean is afraid and you look like you killed a man."

"It's nothing. I'm just tired." he said, "What's Dean afraid of?"

"The usual, delving into the darkness, letting someone else take care of you three and your mother for once, losing his mind, becoming useless to you. Mostly the losing his mind thing. He thinks he is."

"He's not." said Sam.

"I know." she said, "He's saner than any of us. He's obsessing over the mental link he had with Castiel. He keeps thinking it's still happening, but that's not insane, is it, Sam?"

"No." he said, trying not to show how much the question shook him, "Of course he's anxious about it and every time he thinks of Cas and Cas is currently his biggest concern, he's likely to imagine the connection happening again."

"And really, his biggest concern should be you." she said.

"I'm fine." he said.

"You look haunted, my dear."

"I'm a Winchester," he said, with a laugh that sounded unconvincing even to him, "We're all a little haunted."

"You suddenly don't want to talk to me. You were the one who talked to me most easily before."

"I am talking to you." he said, "Look, this is me, talking."

"Now, you sound like Dean." she said, "Have I done something? Have you decided that you can't trust me?"

"No." he said.

"I never like one word answers. The truth can so rarely be expressed in a single word."

"Well, it can now." he said, "How can you ask if I trust you, when I am telling my brother to go to your house? By the way, taking Castiel along too might be a good idea. Less stress for both of them, Less reason for either to imagine that the connection is working again."

"That's a very good point." she said, "I'm tempted to invite all four of you. I have a feeling that might make you all more honest. Ot you might all clam up. I wish I could be sure you weren't hiding something important from me."

"Like what?" he said.

"You want a guessing game? Why not just tell me? You admitted earlier that there is something on your mind."

"There's always something on my mind." he said.

Your jaw is clenched, your shoulders are taut and you look as if you haven't slept. Wouldn't it be easier just to talk about it to someone who cares about you?"

"Dean thinks he's going crazy. We both know he isn't. I'm mildly troubled by some difficult admin. I think Dean needs to be your priority."

"Admin?" she said.

He nodded. "Admin. There are issues of confidentiality."

She raised an eyebrow.

"I'd tell you if I could." he said.

"Sam, when somebody goes from candid to closed down, it's not a change I miss."

"I know. You're very good." he said.

"Something is hurting you. Something is haunting you."

"I'm just worried about my brother." he said.

"That, at least, sounds true." she said, "But I feel there's a lot more to it."

"There's nothing I wouldn't do for Dean." he said. She couldn't say that was untrue, either.

"I know that." she said, "So is the thing bothering you something that you did for Dean?"

"Admin. I told you." he said.

"Sam, your brother has finally decided to stop lying to himself and to us and now you want to start?"

"No. That's the last thing I want." he said.

"That's true too. Do you see how easily I can tell? People have been lying to me for decades."

"Then you know that I'm not." he said.

"I'm on your side, Sam. Why are you afraid to talk to me?" She smiled kindly. "How old were you when you stopped confiding in Dean so he didn't worry about you?"

"I never completely stopped." said Sam.

"But you did limit what you told him?" she said.

"Of course I did. Dean had enough to deal with."

"As he does now?"

"Yes." said Sam.

"And you're afraid that he'll work out that you're struggling with something? He already knows, Sam and it's just adding to all the things he's worrying about."

"Just give me some time." he said.

"How much time?" she asked.

"I don't know." he said.

She patted his arm. "Don't isolate yourself, Sam. It's not healthy when Dean does it and it's not good for you either."

"I know." he said.

"If you really can't tell me, I'll stop asking, but just ask yourself once in a while, whether you can tell me after all. I'll never judge you and I won't tell anyone unless you say I can. Do you understand?"

"Yes, I do." he said, "And thanks."

"But don't ever run away from me or from the others." she said, "I know it seems safer, but it's not. It's hard enough to deal with an ordinary life alone and your life is not ordinary in any way."

"I do trust you, Sarah." he said.

"Yes, I believe you do." she said, "Maybe years of self-sacrifice have left you unable to put your needs above Dean's. Just remember that I care about all of you. I'll never do anything that I think is harmful to any of you. So you can tell me anything and know that it won't hurt Dean and that it could help you."

"I'll remember that." he said.

"See that you do." she said.


	76. Chapter 76

Dean went to his room and flopped onto the bed. He was tired of having to pretend all was well and he needed some time away from everyone else. He knew he would need to tell Sam something, but the party was not the time and place for that. He needed to know first just how crazy he was and whether he could regain any control. 

He had known Sam was sure about the talismans. Sam would never withhold information that important. If there had been any doubt, he would have said so. Cas knew the talismans were working. Asking Sam to confirm it had been merely a formality. He had already known that he was slipping away from any meaningful definition of sanity.

He'd always been afraid of it, for as long as he could remember. Watching his father's instability, seeing how, at times, John would say, "If I don't watch it, I'll end up crazy." and pull himself back from disaster, he had often asked himself how he would know if he began to lose his mind. Bad dreams that lingered a little too long in his waking mind, irrational rages that made him fear he was losing control and that oft-repeated thought in his head that the ending might be the only thing he could choose had often made him think about insanity, but he had usually managed to convince himself that he was holding all that at bay very successfully. Other hunters might go mad. He wouldn't.

He'd told himself for years that he couldn't afford to go mad. Sam needed him. Sam relied on him. The mark of Cain had caused a kind of madness, but after that was gone, he had believed he could regain all that he had been before. It was some consolation that at least he was more expendable now. Sam would not be alone and Sam was a leader now and didn't need his big brother to make the decisions.

Sam would be okay - not happy, but okay. Sam would take care of Jack and he would do his best with Cas, but Cas was complicated and Dean wasn't sure he would be able to continue broadening his very narrow horizons without Dean's encouragement. He needed to try to get back to sanity so Cas had someone to help him through all the difficult times ahead and hopefully get him laid. He corrected himself, get him some kind of relationship that mattered, because Cas was not looking for a hook-up.

Then there was Jack, who needed guidance too and was not likely to benefit from one of his caretakers being crazy. Even John Winchester's level of instability had harmed his sons and Dean conceded to himself that he was already past that point. If he could not reverse the problem, he owed it to all of them to be far away. Maybe he would use one of the cabins as a hiding place and lock himself away from anyone he could hurt, by action, inaction or speaking his insane thoughts.

There were two raps on the door. "Dean?" said Jack.

"I'm just looking for something." said Dean, "Oh, there it is." He opened the door and joined Jack in the corridor.

"What was it?" said Jack.

"Just a thing." said Dean.

Jack looked puzzled.

"We'd better get back to the party." said Dean. 

"That's why I came looking for you. They're about to bring the cake out." said Jack, "Have you seen the cake?"

"No, Bobby brought it over." said Dean. They started walking.

"It's amazing." said Jack, "You'll love it."

"It's food. That's a safe bet." said Dean.

"Are you okay?" said Jack, "You don't seem yourself."

Dean smiled as genuinely as he could under the circumstances. "Don't worry, kid, I'm fine. Just slightly jealous that Cas is with the prettiest woman."

"I bet we could find you one in time for your birthday." said Jack.

"I don't do birthdays." said Dean.

"You'll come to mine, though, right?" said Jack.

"Of course I will, if I'm alive and not chained up somewhere." He stopped Jack before they reached the garage. "Listen, I may be going to the farm for a few days. That means I need you to look after Sam and Cas. If either of them seems weird or stressed or miserable, you call me immediately, yes?"

"Yes." said Jack.

"And remind Sam to eat and sleep."

"I always try to." said Jack.

"Yeah and if you need me, for anything, that's a good reason to call too." It seemed silly, in a way, to encourage Jack to depend on him, when he might not be dependable, but Sarah said she could help him and he still hoped he could fix his deranged mind and be useful again.

Sarah came out of the garage and took their hands as if they were straying school children. "Come back to the party!" she said, "A few people want to say something and then there will be cake. Do either of you want to say something to Castiel?"

"I do." said Dean.

"Me too." said Jack.

"Good." She took them into the party again. Mark and Paul were just carrying the cake to a table that had been set up for it. The cake was huge and in the shape of blue wings with an angel blade made of fondant down the centre. Across the front of the cake were the word "Castiel" and some silver stars. 

Castiel went over to the cake and examined it closely before thanking Sarah with a kiss on the cheek.

"Now, Paul would like to say a few words." she said.

Paul stood in front of the cake and shook Cas's hand. "Happy birthday, Cas! I admit, when I first met Castiel, I didn't trust him and I loudly told everyone that trusting any angel was a dumb idea. Bobby told me we owed these people and I needed to give the angel a chance, so I reluctantly did. You know what? Despite all the trouble I gave him. he always treated me with respect and friendship and more than once, he has saved my life. I was wrong about you, Cas. Now I am proud to fight alongside you."

Sarah nodded to Bobby. He stepped forward and said, "Cas is a good friend to all of us, the kind of friend you can rely on when everyone else runs the other way. Cas, I want you to know that I like and respect you. Happy birthday!"

Sarah herself was next. "Before I met you, I thought my life was pretty much over. I thought I had neither time nor purpose. You gave me back both, my dear, wise, wonderful angel. You always seem so surprised that people love you, but when I asked you to pick a date to be your birthday, the one date that was significant to you was the day you rescued a righteous man from Hell. That sort of sums up why we love you." She took his hand and kissed it. "Happy birthday, my dear."

Dean said, "I was that so-called righteous man and that was the first of many times you raised me from perdition. You're my best friend, my brother. You and Sam are the reasons I keep fighting. You're why we win, with all the odds against us. You've died for us again and again and you always live for us. Family don't end with blood, but even if it did, you've bled enough for us that it would count anyway. I don't deserve your friendship, but I will never willingly let it go. Happy birthday, Cas!"

Sam said, "Nobody has stood by us as you have. Nobody has done more to save the world and to save us. No matter what goes wrong, you're there to help us fix it. Without you ... No, I don't wanna think about life without you. You're our brother and we love you, always."

Jules said, "I'll keep this short, because I don't want to make you uncomfortable, but I just wish you everything good. You're a good friend, Cas, my best friend. You made surviving the Apocalypse worthwhile."

Finally, Jack said, "You protected me, when I was helpless. You forgave me when I was wrong. You loved me when everyone feared me. You cared for my mother. You were her friend when she had nobody else. You came back from the dead because I needed you. My greatest ambition is to make you proud of me. My deepest wish is to be just like you. You'll always be my father. You'll always be my friend. I love you, Castiel."

Cas hugged Jack and said to his friends all around him, "Thankyou, all of you. I wish I could speak so eloquently and tell you all what you mean to me, but I will never find the words. You are family to me. You are my life. In all the long ages I have been alive, the greatest blessings I have known have been the family I found over the past decade."

Sarah came to light the candles on the cake, one for each year since he had dragged Dean out of Hell. Dean went over to him and whispered, "Don't forget to make a wish."

"Wishes are not a good idea." Cas whispered back, but he glanced at Jules and smiled.

"You should kiss her tonight." said Dean, "It's time to make a move."

"But what if it's the wrong move and she hates it? What if she laughs?" Lowering his volume even more he said, in tones of dread, "What if she screams?"

"None of your moves is gonna make a girl scream." said Dean, "In fact, that's the best thing about them."

"I need more time to think about it." said Cas.

Dean smiled at him. "Okay, but she's into you."

Everyone gathered around to sing Happy Birthday and then, when Sarah told him to, Cas blew out all the candles to applause from his friends and family. Dean felt a lot better seeing that. Cas didn't need him as much as he had thought. He had other people to watch over him now.


	77. Chapter 77

Cas ate a small piece of cake, mostly to please Sarah, then he said to her, "We should dance, Sarah. I always dance with you on my birthday."

"You make me sound like a great tradition." she said.

"Of course you are." he said, leading her over to the dance area.

As they began to dance to the fast music of Mark and Paul, she said, "Are you happy?"

"Very." he said, "I have so many good friends."

"No more than you deserve, my dear. Tell me, how much do you miss the coat?"

"I miss it." he said, "Without it, I feel naked, but there are times when being naked is not a bad thing."

"Yes, I remember you naked among the bees." she said.

"I think the humans are happier that I am somewhat more exposed than usual." he said, "I think the coat may have seemed a barrier to them. Jules thinks I look good in these clothes."

"Do you want to keep them?" she said.

"I doubt I'll have another occasion to wear them." said Cas.

"There will be other parties." she said.

"True. Yes, then, I would like to keep them."

She stopped dancing, raised her voice and said to the assembled company, "Anyone who likes the clothes they are wearing can keep them!" 

The reaction was a happy one and Cas realised how much the gift meant to people who had so little to call their own. He saw Jules smiling and felt very pleased that she would wear the lovely skirt and top again.

Sarah started dancing again and he joined her. She smiled at him. "Jules is very pretty."

"Yes, she is." he said, "She thinks I'm depressed."

"I've been telling you that for a long time." she said.

"I know."

"Are you getting close to considering the possibility?"

"I'm considering all kinds of possibilities." he said.

"Good. I love you very much, but angels are slow to change their minds."

"We can be." he admitted.

"Sam suggested I should take both you and Dean away from here for a while. Maybe both of you could make some progress."

"If I am depressed and not realistic, all I need to do is ignore the thoughts that tell me there is no hope. That's all the progress I need."

"Castiel, dear, depression is a lot more complex than you think. So are you. Just talk about it with Dean. You know you are always welcome at the farm." She nodded to Jules and added, "Or you may have something that keeps you here. I'm very happy that you're now able to question your negative view of the future."

"I concede that it may not be rational." he said.

"That's a big concession from you." she said, "I'm relieved somebody was able to make you hear what I couldn't."

"I heard you, always." he said.

"Do you know what's troubling Sam?" she said.

"No, but I know something is. Have you asked him? He seems able to talk to you when he can't say anything to us."

"I asked, he was evasive. I'm worried about him. I mean, I always worry about Sam. He just takes everybody's burdens on himself and nobody can do that forever, but now, it seems he's trying to handle everything alone and there's so much pressure building I can practically hear him fizzing." He must have looked concerned, because she quickly said, "Metaphorically."

"Ah." he said.

"So if you are sticking around here while Dean is away, you watch Sam for me."

"And will you also tell him to watch me for you?" said Cas.

"Yes, I will." she said. 

The dance ended and she hugged him. Even though he was only in the shirt, it felt nothing like as intense as when Jules touched him. His conclusions were generally evidence-based, since he had no reason for blind faitn now and the evidence suggested that it was Jules and his relationship with her that made her touch feel so powerfully exciting.

"Do you think angels can fall in love?" he asked Sarah.

"Do you think an angel is?" she said.

"I don't know." he said, "There are thoughts in my head that have never really been there before. What happens if you fall in love with someone who doesn't love you the same way?"

"You get very unhappy, very fast, but it's survivable. Do you know that she doesn't feel the same way?"

"I can't read my own mind on this. Don't ask me to read hers."

"You could ask Dean to help. Take off the talismans and let him see your thoughts about her. He seems to know the boy/girl thing pretty well."

"World-class expert." said Cas, "But I don't think he would agree to that."

"And you won't ask him?" she said.

"No, I won't. The mind curse has hurt him enough."


	78. Chapter 78

Dean turned from watching Paul start to play another tune to find Sarah beside him. "I know." he said, "Time is running out and you want me to dance with you."

"Or with anyone else." she said.

"I danced with Mom." he said.

"I know and then you stopped."

"And dancing with her is easier than dancing with you."

"Why is that?" she said.

He paused before answering. He wanted to be honest. More than that, he wanted to know. "I think because that's like escaping into the past. Whenever life got hard in the Momless years, I would think about her, about her hugs, her smiles, the pies. Dancing with her feels the same. I can't really ask her for hugs now. Can't ask her to hold my hand. I can dance with her, though and that's kinda like both together."

"Why can't you ask?" she said.

"Because I'm Dean Winchester. Trust me, it's a tough gig."

"Well, Dean Winchester, you can ask me for a hug or to hold your hand anytime you like. I'm just a sad old lady who misses her son. You'd be doing me a favour."

"You need to be careful, sad old lady, because if you encourage me, I'll follow you home like a stray dog."

"There's nobody outside right now. How about we dance out there, just us, no witnesses."

"Last time I danced with you ... "

"It will get easier with time." she said. She took his arm and led him outside. The grills were cooling and the music was clearly audible out there.

"You know, if you ever wanna talk about Carl, or your husband, or anything at all, I always answer my phone."

"Yes, you do and I appreciate it. For now, though, I need to help the living."

"Not sure I'm in that category. Is there one for just existing?"

"You just summed up why you need me." she said.

They started to dance. He tried to concentrate on the steps, but all he could think of was that she wanted to save him and he wanted that to be possible, but still couldn't convince himself. He thought he could hear the shards of his oft-broken hard, jingling against each other in his chest. Deeper down, in his stained, tormented soul, Alistair was laughing at him for pretending to be human. The pain felt physical. He drew in a sudden breath, feeling as if his chest refused to receive it.

"How bad?" she said.

"Bad." he said.

"Keep dancing." she said.

"I don't think I can." he said.

She swung him around, keeping him moving, her strength a surprise to him, driven by all that stubborn old lady energy. "That car of yours, how fast can she go?"

"How fast do you want her?" he said, "That engine is in perfect condition and she'll do whatever I want."

Suddenly, from inside the garage, they both heard Cas laugh.

"Wow." said Dean.

"It's like hitting the jackpot, isn't it?" she said.

"I don't hear that sound nearly enough." he said.

She looked into the dance in there. "He's watching Jack and Maggie." she said.

"You did this. You gave him tonight. I can never, ever repay you as you deserve."

"You're still dancing, Dean and that's all I could ask."

"It's not too bad now." he said.

"One day, it will be fun." she said.

"Fun seems a long time ago." he said.

"I know. When I started dancing again, I couldn't even remember having fun or feeling anything but loss and numbness and fear."

"How did you make yourself try?"

"I looked at the photo of Carl and I did it for him. You have more than photographs. You still have people who love you. You have Sam. You have Castiel. You have your mother and Jack and, for as long as the old ticker keeps on ticking, you have me."

"I've been thinking about what I'll do if I really am going crazy." he said.

"Waste of time. You're very sane."

"Yeah, tell that to Sam." 

"Sam agrees with me." she said.

"He does?"

"He does." The music stopped. She held his hands a moment longer. "Well done, my dear!"

"The car stuff, that was to distract me."

"To pull you out of a downward spiral by filling your head with more positive things." she said.

Sam came out from the garage. "Dean, there's an argument going on about which of us dances better."

"I'm happy to say it's you, Twinkle Toes." said Dean.

"They're talking endurance and I said, since I'm the better hunter, I must win on endurance."

"On what planet are you the better hunter?" said Dean.

"On any planet with something to hunt." said Sam.

"You might need to fight this one out." said Sarah.

"Did you set this up?" Dean asked her.

"I doubt it. That sounds pretty Macchiavellian for a sweet old lady."

"Yeah, sweet old lady my ... "

"Dean! I'll tell Mom." said Sam.

"Is Cas in this fight?" said Dean.

"Cas says as an angel, it would be unfair."

Dean followed his brother into the garage. Mark and Paul were standing on a table and two other tables had been cleared and moved closer. "I hear I have something to prove." he said.

A cheer went up from the crowd. Cas was watching and smiling, with Jules right beside him. Sam had already jumped onto one table. Dean pounced catlike onto the other. This didn't feel emotionally dangerous. Competition with his brother felt easy and natural. He saw Sarah coming over to watch and he saluted her. Mark and Paul began to play, slowly at first, but with a swiftly increasing tempo.


	79. Chapter 79

Cas watched as the Winchesters started to dance, each surrounded by their supporters. He stayed carefully equidistant from both and Jules stood beside him. Mary and Sarah both came to stand there too. 

Sarah turned to Cas and said, "Which one do you think will win?"

"I've known you too long to believe you care." he said, "You've told me many times, activity removes the energy from anxiety. All you care about is that they tire themselves out."

"We all need to release the pressure at times." she said.

Both boys started strongly. Both lacked a little technique, through lack of practice, but both were strong and agile and kept easily to the rhythm of the music. Cas could see that Dean wasn't trying to hold back as he had when dancing with Sarah and Mary. This wasn't about joy or the avoidance of it or all those hidden triggers, bringing up the pain he had buried whenever he could. It was about putting Sam in his place.

Sam was somewhere else entirely. Sam was using the music and the dancing the same way his brother used whisky. It worried Cas how badly Sam needed to blot something out of his mind and Sam was not talking about it, which could only be a bad sign. 

"What will you do about Sam?" said Cas to Sarah,

"Until he's ready to talk, not much I can do." she said, "But hopefully, after this, he'll be a little less stressed."

"Leave Sam to me." said Mary, "I'll make sure he's okay."

"Do you know what's bothering him?" said Sarah.

"Yes. It's a Winchester thing. I promised him I wouldn't discuss it with anyone."

"So Dean knows?" said Cas.

"No, Dean doesn't know." said Mary, "The situation is under control."

Sarah and Mary looked at each other for a moment, but what passed between them was just eye movement to Cas.

Dean was suddenly dancing with an angel blade, to the delight of his supporters. Then someone handed a machete to Sam and he was whirling around, his dance moves turning to fight moves and back. His own supporters went wild. The music was getting faster and faster and Paul and Mark were both starting to sweat a lot more.

"Why didn't you join the challenge?" said Jules.

Cas smiled. "Angels don't tire. It would be cheating."

"I'm starting to think Winchesters don't tire either." said Mary.

Dean threw the angel blade into the table in front of him so hard that it was stuck two inches deep into the wood.

"I'm very glad that isn't one of my tables." said Sarah.

Just then, Sam threw his machete to Dean, who caught it without missing a step. Both groups of supporters shouted their approval. Someone threw a knife to Sam and he caught that and kept dancing.

"Someone could get hurt." said Jules.

"Only if they get in the way." said Cas.

Now the Winchesters were throwing the knife and machete across to each other every few seconds. It had changed from a dance-off to an inpromptu training session. To a crowd of hunters, it was an impressive sight. To Cas, it was the return of his brothers.

"This is who they are." he said to Sarah, "Under all the pain and trauma and guilt, this is who they really are."

"Yes," she said, "And this is what we'll build on. This is how we'll save them both."

Mark stopped playing. With apologies, he got down from the table. Paul was still going strong. Jules went over to Mark and shook his hand. 

"Grab yourself a beer!" said Sarah, "You earned it." 

Jules returned to Cas, casually taking his arm as if doing so didn't set off an 1812 Overture in his head. He remembered Dean's advice and wished he, the veteran of many a deadly battlefield, had the courage to kiss her without a clear instruction to do so.

He watched his brothers and then saw Jack behind them, also not picking a side. Their eyes met and they both smiled.

Sam suddenly jumped onto Dean's table and Dean jumped aside, but didn't stop dancing. 

"Cheat!" shouted Sarah.

Sam grinned at her.

Dean stepped towards him and he backed away, almost falling off the table, but not quite. 

Dean threw the machete near Sam, but Sam barely reacted. Then Sam's knife landed in the top of the table, inches from Dean's right foot.

"Be careful, boys!" said Mary, "It's a birthday party, not a foot severing contest."

Paul played faster and both of them were starting to miss a step here and there and stumble a little. Each tried hard to put the other off, but both were near the end of their energy.

Finally, Dean said, "Hey, Winchester!"

"Yeah, Winchester?" said Sam.

"You win." said Dean, stopping his dance.

Sam did three steps more and then stopped and put his arm around his brother's shoulder. "Best out of three?" he asked, his breathing pretty rough.

"Go to Hell." said Dean, "I need a beer."

Jack fetched three beers, one for Sam, one for Dean and one for Paul. As he handed them out and various wagers were settled, Cas heard Sam say to Dean, "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, fine. You?" said Dean.

"My legs feel like rubber." said Sam.

They accepted congratulations from their supporters and then went over to Cas. "I could have beaten him." said Dean, "But he has too many legs."

"Too many legs?" said Cas.

"Like, about a thousand legs and stupid long." said Dean.

Sarah took his hand. "You both did well. How do you feel?"

He thought about it and then said, "Not bad. Tired, but not bad."

"And you, Sam?"

"I'm fine." he said.


	80. Chapter 80

"I should go home." said Sarah, squeezing Dean's hand before letting it go.

"I'll drive you home." said Bobby, "See you out there. I'll just get my wheels."

"Walk me out there, boys?" said Sarah.

They all went with her, Jules and Mary with them. Outside, each of them hugged and kissed Sarah, before Dean opened the car door for her and Sam helped her in. Cas leaned in to say, "Thanks for the party, Sarah. It was wonderful."

Jack took his place, quickly, to kiss her fondly on the cheek.

"We'll sort out all the stuff tomorrow." said Sam, "And hopefully, you can take Dean away with you."

"Dean needs to think about that and check some stuff." said Dean, with a glance at Cas.

They waved Sarah off. Mary and Jules began to gather bits and pieces and put them into the garage, leaving the large grills for Mark, Jack and Paul to deal with later.

"What stuff?" said Cas to Dean.

Dean sighed. "I was gonna deal with this tomorrow."

"Now is better." said Cas.

"I need the truth, Cas, "Not what you think you should say or what someone has told you to say."

"Well, that should be easy," said Cas, "Nobody has told me to say anything. I often wish they would. There are times when a script would be useful." He glanced at Jules, then returned his attention to Dean.

"Do you need me here?" said Dean, "There's so much going on for you right now and I know you may need me around."

"I always need you here." said Cas.

"Right, I'll tell Sarah tomorrow that I can't go to the farm right now."

"Why not?" said Cas.

"You want me to stay here."

"I don't." said Cas.

"You just said you did." said Dean.

"No, I said I need you here. I do. I always will, but you need to be there, with Sarah and I need you to do that."

"Screw what I need. I have responsibilities."

"So do I. I have a responsibility not to stop you from getting Sarah's help, which you need, by the way and which could transform your whole life."

"Cas, you said you need me, so that trumps anything I might need."

"I have enough regrets to live with." said Cas, "Don't make me be the reason why you don't get healed."

"Not everything can be healed." said Dean.

"You hear that? That's you making excuses not to try. It's my birthday. Don't make me into an excuse."

"I don't wanna leave you here, unsupported, with ... " he tried not to look at Jules, "With everything that's been happening."

"I think I'll be fine. Maybe, I'll even come with you. It's only for a few days. Maybe you need support. Maybe it's time you stopped pushing friends away at times like this."

"That's not what I'm trying to do."

"Good. So, tomorrow, you go to the farm and you devote all your time and effort to making some real changes and healing some of those wounds even an angel can't fix."

"And what about you?"

"Tomorrow, I have things to do, but after that, I might go to the farm. I promise, if you need me out of the way, I can just go watch the bees. You'll barely know I'm there."

"What about you and Jules?"

"I'm not sure there is a me and Jules." said Cas, "If it's just friendship, a few days apart won't damage it. If it's something else, she needs time to think it through."

"Don't talk like that, as if you're a mistake."

"You're telling me she can't do better?" said Cas.

"You're telling me our multilingual genius doesn't know what she wants?"

"I'm telling you I need to know that she won't regret any involvement with me."

"It's not supposed to be this complicated." said Dean in exasperation, "Why are you afraid to have or want anything good?" He realised he was sounding like Sarah.

"Sorry." he said, "I just want you to be happy."

"Then get better, Dean. Seeing you happy is the best way for me to become so."

"You deserve more. Give this thing with Jules a chance."

"Give this thing with Jules some space." said Cas, "I'm not clear-headed around her."

"That's because love screws you up."

"And you're advocating it?" said Cas.

"Yeah, I am, for you."

"But you won't ever risk it?"

"No, not again, but I don't regret that I once did."

"With Lisa?"

"No, with Cassie. Long before your time."

"I've literally been around since the beginning." said Cas.

"I mean your time with us, dumbass."

"Jerk." said Cas.

"Yeah. Look, just don't run away from happiness and definitely not because you think you don't deserve it, because nobody deserves it more."

"Do you want me to go with you tomorrow?" said Cas.

"I need you to, but I don't want you to." said Dean.

"Is that yes or no?"

"See how hard it is to work out?" said Dean, "See how things go with Jules. You may have good reasons not to leave the bunker."

He watched Cas walk back to the open garage entrance. Jules went with him. She took his hands and said, "It was a great party."

"Yes." he said. 

She moved closer and said, "Hey, Cas."

"What?" he said.

She kissed him, a simple, very innocent kiss that seemed to stun him completely.

"Happy birthday." she said and then she walked away, giving a little wave before disappearing into the garage.

"Tell me you got that she likes you now." said Dean, going over.

Cas looked at him, looking oddly intoxicated. "The evidence is building." he said.

"Are you gonna go after her?" said Dean.

"No." said Cas, "I don't think so. It's been a wonderful night so far. A perfect ending shouldn't be tampered with."

  
_ The End. _

  
_ Next: Better Together. _


End file.
